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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Third Birthday postponed...

225 replies

JessieMcJessie · 20/01/2014 08:29

My best friend lives in another continent and I would dearly love her to be at my wedding. Problem is that the trip would overlap with her son's third birthday and she feels bad about missing it. She can't bring him, for various reasons. WIBU to suggest that they just don't remind him about his birthday at the time and then celebrate when she gets back about a week later. Will he be any the wiser if the whole family play along? He'll be with his Dad (my friend's DH, they are together) throughout.

OP posts:
Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 20/01/2014 12:19

quintessential shadows you may have missed my earlier post where I explained the importance of the building to our other guests. To get a date to suit her better we would have to change our plans radically, and I can't find anything close in quality to the one we have found so it is not a case of me refusing to book a different venie to suit her availability. Think stately home, and next available option is a grotty pub.

OP posts:
TortillasAndChocolate · 20/01/2014 12:21

OP, you don't sound bridezilla-y. You sound really nice and like you want you're friend there and were genuinely wondering how big a deal this is to her. I would say just talk to her, say how much it means to you that she's there. Say that you totally understand if she wants to get back to her little boy, but that if there's any way she can stay for longer and come to your wedding, you would absolutely love it but totally her decision. That's what I would do.

It's really nice that you're putting a lot of thought into it and trying to see the situation from both points of view.

TortillasAndChocolate · 20/01/2014 12:21
  • your obviously, not you're
KatnipEvergreen · 20/01/2014 12:24

If it were me, the fact it was DD's birthday wouldn't bother me.

The fact of extending the trip and increasing the cost beyond what I could afford and time spent away from a young family would. Even for a best friend. Sorry. I think if you get married very far away from family and friends you have to expect people not to come as a default position, and be very grateful if they do.

moldingsunbeams · 20/01/2014 12:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Grennie · 20/01/2014 12:25

"I guess I'm lucky that my friends understand that DS is definitely my priority, even over them. I reciprocate this sentiment to them too. Some of them were close friends before we had children and we shall be after they've grown too."

Or you may have grown apart. Any relationship to keep it going needs some work. You don't have to see friends often to remain good friends. But if it is obvious they constantly comes last no matter what is going on for them e.g. serious illness, divorce, etc, then don't expect them to be there for you when your DC's have grown up.

diddl · 20/01/2014 12:26

Has she booked & how long for?

Because obv if she is planning a couple of weeks & arrives just before her sister's wedding, then it might be doable?

Unless she has booked specifically to get back for her son's birthday.

I think as others have said, if she wants to, she will.

Surely you need to be finding out some dates from her?

jacks365 · 20/01/2014 12:27

From what you've added there are many more reasons why she might not want to stay but vocalising her son's birthday is probably the easiest. If she was planning a 4 day flying visit increasing it by 2 weeks is significant not also for her being away from her son but also significant for her dh looking after the ds at home. He either needs to take leave or they need reliable childcare, taking extra leave may not be a possibility. You say finance is a factor as well but staying an extra 2 weeks may add significantly to costs not necessarily for accommodation but in visits she would be expected to make, those additional costs could be beyond her budget. Going to a friends wedding over a birthday is completely different when you are talking a couple of weeks away not just missing part of the day, in her situation I'd be going home.

yorkie11 · 20/01/2014 12:28

Well mumsnet always surprises me. When my dh decided to take ds to a football game with grandparents on dds birthday. I was told football match at wembley was a one off. Celebrate on different day etc. Well the same is true your wedding op. It is a one off.
Although not sure you can suggest she celebrates it it a different time.

curlew · 20/01/2014 12:28

I would probably put my child's birthday over a friend's birthday. Well, I definitely would, unless there were special circumstances. But a 3rd birthday over a wedding?? I just cannot get my head round this. Maybe it's because my children are older? Maybe it's because i'm older, and had a lot of life before children?

Grennie · 20/01/2014 12:29

I feel the same Curlew

Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 20/01/2014 12:31

katnip (Like the name btw) we are getting married within half a day's travel of most family and about half of our friends, even though we live in Asia and have a 14 hour journey to get to the UK. It's my friend who emigrated to the other side of the world from the UK where we grew up together. She's the only guest who lives in that part of the world.

OP posts:
yorkie11 · 20/01/2014 12:31

I also missed my ds, s 4th birthday and birthday party due to a family funeral at the opposite end of the country. It was sad at the time but not the end of the world.

Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 20/01/2014 12:34

Thanks Tortillas

OP posts:
Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 20/01/2014 12:41

diddl yep, dates were exactly what I asked for earlier today. She may want time with her before the wedding though as the sis will prob be off on honeymoon after.

While I am on can I just emphasise that my friend would not be any old guest, she would be my chief helper to get ready, fully involved and de facto maid of honour, (though am not having any official bridesmaids and such, just flowergirl (s).) If she cannot come she wants to be skyped into the preparations during the middle of her night Grin

OP posts:
OddFodd · 20/01/2014 12:41

Grennie - how can you agree with this:
"I would probably put my child's birthday over a friend's birthday. Well, I definitely would, unless there were special circumstances. But a 3rd birthday over a wedding?? "

when you've said you don't have children :o

OP - I think this is more about your friend finding it difficult to extend her trip. If she's a SAHP, then someone's got to look after her 3YO while she's away. It's not easy to do that, especially for prolonged periods

OddFodd · 20/01/2014 12:43

I have to say that I'm thinking of this from DS's POV but he's 7 and he would be very upset if I were away on his birthday. I can't remember if he would have noticed when he was 3

KatnipEvergreen · 20/01/2014 12:45

Ah I see Jessie. But isn't it the fact she has to extend the trip she is making by more than 2.5 weeks that is the issue- financial, plus missing her children?

BillyBanter · 20/01/2014 12:48

I think the important thing here is even though you've deliberately set a date with her in mind, if she does decide that she can't come you accept her decision graciously. It might be worth considering saying that if she doesn't feel she can miss her child's birthday you'll understand, so she doesn't feel pressured.

It doesn't really matter what other mothers think about not being there on their child's birthday. It's her decision.

MinesAPintOfTea · 20/01/2014 12:48

I have a child and would go to the wedding and celebrate his birthday later on. But of course your can't demand your friend does that.

Funny tale: when I turned three my dad was away with work so my parents decided to celebrate my birthday a few days later when they got home. So when the neighbours rang the bell and greeted mum with a chorus of "happy birthday" she had to arm flap and tell them that they had the wrong day. They thought she'd cracked but played along until I was out of earshot and she explained.

I didn't twig and was perfectly happy with my foreign presents when dad got home.

Grennie · 20/01/2014 12:51

Odd - I know I don't have children, but I do see some women when they have kids basically cutting their friends out of their life - and then expecting them still to be there when their kids are almost grown up.

HuglessDouglas · 20/01/2014 12:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
JessieMcJessie · 20/01/2014 13:13

She's not potentially extending BY 2.5 weeks, she's potentially extending by a week to 2.5 maybe 3 weeks. But it's more about what she's comfortable with. I wonder if she could bring both kids to defray childcare costs back home and avoid the birthday problem, but she's said it will be too tiring and her DH can't get the holiday to come with.

OP posts:
angeltulips · 20/01/2014 13:15

Gosh, this would be a no brainer for me - I'd definitely go to the wedding. Wouldn't lie to dd, but id definitely celebrate with her later.

If I were the op I would have a look at other venues as I can't imagine not being able to find something else but I live in London where there are lots of everything so I guess it's different

angeltulips · 20/01/2014 13:16

Ps op if she's thinking of bringing other child do you have budget to potentially help out with nanny costs?

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