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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want our own home...

16 replies

Snapperz · 25/12/2013 01:29

Name-changed, just had a 'discussion' with DP about this and now he's asleep and I am wondering if I'm being festively U...

DP (32) and I (28) have been together for two years; no kids but we're serious. I live with friends in a rented property in a city about 30mins from where he lives in a house in a town that he owns with his brother. They also have a lodger but the lodger is moving out soon.

We spend most nights together, generally my place at weekends and his a couple of nights during the week. We have been talking about moving in together and he wants me to move into his house. There are reasons I don't want to:

His brother is older and very much in charge as DP is pretty laid-back. I am used to being at least an equal tenant.
Their parents put down the deposit and are involved in any decor changes/repairs. They live nearby. I do like them.
Over the past three years I've been saving for a deposit and I've got 23k now so could buy somewhere. I really want to get onto the property ladder...

AIBU?

OP posts:

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 25/12/2013 01:32

Not UR and i wouldnt move into his home either under those circumstances.

What are his reasons for not wanting to buy a new plae with uou? Can he not sell his half of the house to his brother or parents?

AnandaTimeIn · 25/12/2013 01:37

No, don't move into his!

Brother will be in charge (never mind the parents).

Stick to your plans for your own place. Anything after that is a bonus.

Don't give up your independence. You could live to regret it.

ComposHat · 25/12/2013 01:39

Given that you've never lived together, buying somewhere together seems a huge commitment and dare I say it a bit of a leap in the dark? What if you drive each other crazy or find that you can't live together?

I know it isn't ideal but I'd be tempted to move in together in his flat just to see what the mechanics of living together are like before tying your financial futures together for 25 years. If you really can't hack that, could he rent out his room and then you could rent somewhere together for a year or so, then re-visit the buying somewhere together conversation?

Original poster

Snapperz · 25/12/2013 01:56

He doesn't want us to buy a place now because he reasons that in a few years his brother will also have a girlfriend and one of the couples will move out. This may happen but his brother has only had very short flings since I've known him and there's no-one on the horizon. Neither DP or his brother have savings as they've put them all into the high mortgage and home improvements so neither are in a position to buy the other out... The parents have in theory given the house deposit as a gift but I know in practice they want one of their sons to have a family there.

I am more than happy for us to rent somewhere for a year or so to see how we get on when living together before buying, but in reality a place we'd rent wouldn't be as big/nice as his current house so I can see his point of view.

It's been my plan to buy somewhere at about this age for a long time, and I've sacrificed a lot to save up, but I feel like buying somewhere on my own would feel like I'm not committed to our relationship...

OP posts:

sykadelic15 · 25/12/2013 03:40

Well, these are your options:

You move into "his" house. It's only 1/2 his house. It may never be "your" house, you'll may have no say about what goes on and it could damage your relationship because of building resentment.

You move out together (renting or whatever) and he'll be still paying the mortgage on the house he owns... so he'll be paying the mortgage on that while you pay the bills yourself (bearing in mind HE is still on the "property ladder", you are not). He could have a tenant move into his room in his house and that should help with his mortgage payments; or

You buy a house, yourself, pay the bills yourself and he moves in with you and helps only with utilities (this is so he has no claim on the house... don't know how that works in the UK). You're on the property ladder, you have a chance to see how you handle living together, and then decide what comes next.

The house he owns will only be JUST the brothers if the brother can buy him out which you said neither can afford to do. Essentially the brother will be getting the benefit of the money your boyfriend pays for the mortgage and the entire house to himself. Your boyfriend will have equity in the house. Will be able to move back in if he needs (still his house and all) and also has a rent check coming (if he rents out).

I personally would do #3 otherwise you're putting your life on hold for "what if's". Yes it would be great to have your bf in a position to buy with you (though I wouldn't with "just" a bf), even better if you could wait until you're married, but there's a lot of waiting there and a lot of stuff depends on him and HIS life and choices. You could be waiting a long time.

Start looking for places now. Maybe move in with him until you find your own place or rent a place yourself (bearing in mind crossover of rent and mortgage can be $$$).

Congrats on a new path in your life!

p.s. So if you buying your own place makes you feel like you're not committed to the relationship, what is his owning his own place? If his brother wasn't involved would you ask him to sell it so you can buy a place together? Would you ask him to re-mortgage with both of you (and name on title) so you're included in it? Buying your own place is a really really good idea. This joint house with his brother is fine when you're a bachelor but eventually one of them will "get" the house to themselves and their family because 2 families living together never works for the long term.

BohemianGirl · 25/12/2013 04:11

Neither DP or his brother have savings as they've put them all into the high mortgage and home improvements so neither are in a position to buy the other out... The parents have in theory given the house deposit as a gift but I know in practice they want one of their sons to have a family there.

What is so special about that house that the parent want someone to have a family in it?

And TBH, when one of the brothers settles down, they will sell the house and realise their equity to put a deposit on their new property. House prices will rocket in London next year.

Can you buy the brother out?

AIBU is a brutal place, and looking at your age, DPs age, if you were going to settle together you would have by now. Your body clock is going tick tock. Life changing decisions need to be made.

Roshbegosh · 25/12/2013 05:41

I would only consider buying with him if he put in £23K of his savings too. He doesn't sound like he has track record of being financially independent and at 32 that is a red flag.

ComposHat · 25/12/2013 10:33

AIBU is a brutal place, and looking at your age, DPs age, if you were going to settle together you would have by now. Your body clock is going tick tock. Life changing decisions need to be made.

The op is 28 not 38 and has given no indication she wants children. She has only been dating her boyfriend for two years not twenty. Offering doomsday scenarios thqt don't in anyway fit the fact s.

sooperdooper · 25/12/2013 10:40

In your position I'd buy a house on your own, unless he can match your deposit there's no point buying something in joint names (unless you get it drawn up at a solicitors that the deposit was solely yours)

Renting is a waste when you can afford to buy, if he doesn't want to move out of his place leave him to it and get yourself on the property ladder independently

sooperdooper · 25/12/2013 10:42

AIBU is a brutal place, and looking at your age, DPs age, if you were going to settle together you would have by now. Your body clock is going tick tock. Life changing decisions need to be made

Don't be so melodramatic!

NigellasDealer · 25/12/2013 10:47

honestly if I were you I would go ahead and get your own place, all this stuff about his place/brother/parents etc., is bye the bye.

pippop1 · 25/12/2013 10:52

Is there a way to split the house into two flats (properly)? You can then sell his one and get something together.

monkeysox · 25/12/2013 11:47

Buy a house yourself and rent it out then Live with him for say six months to see if works out. You have your own place ready to move into if you do a six month lease!

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 25/12/2013 14:29

Either rent together or buy your own place. I wouldn't buy a house with someone you've never lived with when he isn't contributing anything towards the deposit.

I used my savings to buy our house, but we were married and had a baby and already lived together.

You could move in with him, but I wouldn't want to live in that house long term. It will always be his parents and his house. If you have a family you don't want your in laws dictating the decor!

rabbitlady · 25/12/2013 14:33

don't move in.
don't let them get their hands on your money - either buy a place of your own and live there, or rent it out.
don't get financially involved with people who have less money to put in than you do - you'll lose out and regret it.

Cabrinha · 25/12/2013 15:13

Did your boyfriend not talk to his brother about what happens when one wants out?
When you move in together, wouldn't it be nice to enjoy walking around naked and having sex wherever you fancy?! Or at least a snog and cuddle on the sofa without an audience!
Buy the house that you want.
Get him to rent out his room to cover the mortgage at his place. Let him stay with you for a bit. You could let him stay for free, keeping his room empty, as long as there's a time limit on that.
Thing is, it's not just about a lodger for a while... He's going to want his money from his house at some point - or his brother is. What if one can't afford to buy the other out?

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