Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Exp DNA tested our Dc behind my back

83 replies

bongobaby · 01/12/2013 11:21

I am beyond angry that exp ordered a DNA testing kit from the Internet on our then 7 year old and took a swab from his mouth.This was done on a contact visit and I have just found out what he had done, dc now is ten, im so upset and raging that he did this to dc.
I dread to think what my dc was thinking "why is daddy doing this".
His then girlfriend at the time was putting doubts into his head that dc looked nothing like him and that's why he did it. Surely this is not right behind my back.

OP posts:
SoullessButSunny · 01/12/2013 11:23

I thought you needed consent from both parents?

Can you contact the company and see if he faked your signature?

littlewhitebag · 01/12/2013 11:23

I would think he has the right to do this if he wants to. I am sure your DC didn't really give it a moments thought.

I can understand you are angry that he had doubts but i don't think he has down anything unlawful.

ImperialBlether · 01/12/2013 11:24

That must have wiped the smile off his girlfriend's face. I don't see the problem, tbh. If he wondered whether he was the child's father, surely he had the right to carry out a non-invasive test?

ImperialBlether · 01/12/2013 11:24

I wonder what they intended to do if he wasn't his child.

TwoPeasOnePod · 01/12/2013 11:25

How did he send the kit off without also sending a swab from your mouth? They require mother, child and alleged fathers swabs. As sending the swab from the mother is tied up in her consenting for the DC to be paternity tested.

NoComet · 01/12/2013 11:25

Assuming he now has absolute proof they are his, he'd better pay his share of their upkeep without moaning!

Mia4 · 01/12/2013 11:27

I think morally it's wrong OP and very stupid, those DNA tests are often not run in accredited labs, not processed by skilled professions and not subject to any QC which makes any result-positive or negative for fatherhood- unreliable.

But it's not illegal to do that given he's his dad, it's just morally wrong in terms of without your consent and implying that he thinks you cheated on his and passed someone elses DC off as his own. That would piss me off, to be questioned and seen like that when i knew id done nothing wrong.

At 7 though your DC wouldn't have really understood unless your ex was an arsehole and told him what he was doing. In which case don't ever mention it around your DC, just in case.

Did your ex have reason to question? In his mind or in actuality? Has your DC told you he knows and how did you find out?

TwoPeasOnePod · 01/12/2013 11:27

He couldn't even send a 'fake' swab and pretend to the DNA testing company that it was yours, because it would be discovered and invalidate the test. Maybe he's trying to score a cheap point against you,and never really sent a test?

SilverApples · 01/12/2013 11:27

If your child didn't mention it at the time, or since, do you think he was bothered? How did you find out, three years later?
Is your ex a good father, and maintaining a positive relationship with his son?
I'd let it go, personally. He wanted to know if the child was biologically his, and paid for the discovery.

sparklysilversequins · 01/12/2013 11:28

Stupid fucker.

I'd be angry too. Did your dc understand what was going on? I suppose they will in hindsight.

Mia4 · 01/12/2013 11:29

Two peas, this comes down to the test not being run or conducted by professionals. For any DNA test, mum and dad's DNA should be supplied together and taken through a formal process. A lot of these crappy internet tests are just that, crappy tests.

Any accredited/ISO standard lab shouldn't touch these things with a barge pole, and if they do they'd have plenty of consent forms and disclaimers.

Quoteunquote · 01/12/2013 11:32

Well he will be answering the questions this action of his will be throwing up for many years, as teens are very unforgiving in their judgements of their parent's behaviour.

Not very nice for your child to have to know his father was that doubtful of his connection, and sad your ex is so weak as to act on bitter advice.

Just take it as confirmation you are best off out of a relationship with such a twonk, and pity him.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 01/12/2013 11:33

Why are you 'upset & raging' that your EX did this to his DS? I don't really see the problem? It is a mouth swab - that's all.

caruthers · 01/12/2013 11:36

You don't need the DNA swab from the Mother to get an accurate test to substantiate a genetic link to the Father.

Did he have any reason to doubt parenthood or was he just being an arse?

littlewhitebag · 01/12/2013 11:37

I think that you can't prove either way if he actually did this or not and it appears to have happened (if it did) three years ago so you just need to let it go. I can see why you might be mildly perplexed but am not sure why you are raging.

bragmatic · 01/12/2013 11:38

Can't say I'd be too pleased. I'm sure your child didn't really know what was going on, but still, he's basically worked off the assumption that there was a chance you were unfaithful to him, and passed off a child as being his.

SilverApples · 01/12/2013 11:39

It happens, bragmatic.
I'm more interested in his current relationship with his child.

pixiestix · 01/12/2013 11:42

I would be really offended but I don't think that he has damaged your DS in any way, and he is within his rights as his dad. It would properly piss me off though.

Original poster
bongobaby · 01/12/2013 11:45

Paternity was never in doubt, ds was spitting image of ex when he was born and he insisted that he had his surname as we were not married on the birth certificate.
Should he of been in any doubt, surely asking the mother would of been the thing to do. The contact was court ordered. I found out through his ex girlfriend who told me that during their arguments she would say to him that ds is not his so they ordered the test from the Internet.

OP posts:
FudgefaceMcZ · 01/12/2013 11:48

TBH I wouldn't be too fussed about this because not much else can be done with the DNA and it would almost certainly be destroyed (any surplus) following the test (plus cheek swab DNA is never great quality really). I might be a bit put out if it was done by a partner I was actually with because it implies they think you are cheating, but with an ex presumably you already know he's an arse so makes no difference what he thinks of you. I don't know if my ex has done this with DD2, he was a complete arsebastard during the pregnancy (unplanned) and insinuating the baby might not be his, so I said he could do it if he wanted as I knew for certain whose it was (seeing as we'd been together a while and he'd said up to the point he dumped me that he wanted children and a permanent relationship etc but then changed his mind in order to get off with a 19 year old...) All it will do is show him how much of an arsehole he is to have doubted you and his child.

ProphetOfDoom · 01/12/2013 11:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SilverApples · 01/12/2013 12:07

Asking the mother? Confused
If he was in doubt, why would your word be enough? He was looking for evidence. I hope he's paying reasonable child support.

Original poster
bongobaby · 01/12/2013 12:13

It was the way the ex gf came out with it , like it was okay that they did this. We have only recently had contact with each other and was on a night out, because exp had assaulted her quiet badly and has been sentenced for it.
They used to argue in front of ds about this when he was on contact visit with his dad. Makes me sad for ds

OP posts:
Original poster
bongobaby · 01/12/2013 12:14

He still refuses to pay towards his ds

OP posts:
fifi669 · 01/12/2013 12:19

If he had concerns it is ok he did it. It's a casual mouth swab not a major operation. He has as much right to do such a procedure as you. From your DCs view, they prob remember nothing and it hasn't affected them at all.

I would be a bit pissed off that my integrity was questioned and he felt the need to, not that he'd actually done it if you see what I mean.

He sounds like a cock anyway.

Swipe left for the next trending thread