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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not buy my mother this present?

45 replies

Mosschops30 · 30/11/2013 22:49

She does this a lot, particularly Mother's Day where she texts me 'you can buy me Chanel body lotion for mothers day'

Now this Xmas she has said 'you can buy me one of those for Xmas' after spying my Thomas Sabo bracelet.
She's coming to stay Xmas week, I have bought her a small gift but certainly didn't expect to spend another £60
I'm not expecting a pressie from her, and if I did it would be something little

AIBU to suggest she gets this for herself for Xmas and buys me nothing?

OP posts:
WaffilyVersatile · 30/11/2013 22:51

Yes YABU. You should say nothing and buy what YOU want to buy for her!

Brookville · 30/11/2013 22:53

Something has obviously irked you! Is it the casual, dare I say greedy and presumptuous, way she asks for a gift rather than looking forward to a surprise element or indeed having a little humility? Maybe you should have a frank discussion about expectations for Christmas gifts as in, how much you spend on each other, whether you each draw up a list in advance etc. That way no noses will be put out of joint. Good luck. Best not to fall out or feel sore about it if you can help it...

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 30/11/2013 22:59

I think it annoys me that she's so presumptuous about how much I can spend.
I wouldn't dream of saying 'you can buy me that for Xmas' to anyone.
If someone asks you give a few ideas so they can choose and budget

OP posts:
Workberk · 30/11/2013 23:02

Are you minted? Do you ask for gift suggestions a lot?

Just trying to work out why she would be so presumptuous!

I don't think your suggestion is the right answer though. I'd just ignore her message about the bracelet full stop. Feign ignorance if she brings it up, or say "oh I thought you were joking!".

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 30/11/2013 23:09

No I'm not minted.
I don't ask her for gifts, I'm nearly 40 I don't expect presents from my mum!

She is always like this, has been for years.
When she asked for the bracelet I jokingly said 'what are you buying me for Xmas' and she said 'oh I thought my presence would be enough, why what do you want'

She doesn't tend to do gifts, even for the dcs it's always 'I'll put some money in your bank, can you get them something and put my name on it'

OP posts:
AnnieJanuary · 30/11/2013 23:13

My mum's like this. She used to use nice brands but then she decided she 'didn't like' work so simply quit and no they're skint, and what they do have she smokes/drinks away. Come Christmas, she gets everyone's presents from Home Bargains and Aldi - tubs of Haribo, cheap chocolate and stuff - but demands I get her Clinique, Clarins and Jo Malone.

Hm. No.

Workberk · 30/11/2013 23:19

No I meant do you ask her to make suggestions to you on what you could buy her ie is she trying to be helpful...

Doesn't sound like it though.

I would ignore and just get her whatever you otherwise would.

Btw I'm not too far off 40 but would be a bit hurt if my mum didn't get me any kind of gift for birthday or Christmas without a reason.

Retroformica · 30/11/2013 23:20

Tell her sorry you already gave her gift but also couldn't afford it

HansieMom · 30/11/2013 23:20

Moss, does she indeed put the money in your account, for her presents to her GC?

AgentZigzag · 30/11/2013 23:21

If she's always been like this what is it that's stopped you ignoring her? Other family members and what they'd say? Does she ratchet the pressure up if you don't, sulking/tantruming/telling all and sundry about it?

Because you sound like you're feeling that pressure and think you should get her it, please say you won't!

She's cheeky and trying it on has got her what she'd like in the past so why would she stop? Maybe she thinks people see it as an acceptably eccentric part of her and think fondly of it?

It's OK to accept it as part of her and then ignore it completely.

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 30/11/2013 23:28

Yes always money in account, I can't remember the last time she bought a gift and wrapped it for me or dc.

I've had a shit year and need to start taking some control, I do not want to buy this for her, if she wants it she can buy it, I will happily go without a gift because I don't need anything.

Yes she sulks quite a bit

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 30/11/2013 23:31

You are totally not bu Op. Stick to your plan.

Bettercallsaul1 · 30/11/2013 23:32

When she asked for the bracelet I jokingly said "What are you buying me for Xmas?" and she said "Oh I thought my presence would be enough..."

Ask her why she gets presents while you only get presence!

greentshirt · 30/11/2013 23:32

My sister does this all the time, I usually just get her a voucher from somewhere she can buy said item and say 'you can put that towards it'

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 30/11/2013 23:34

Green that's a good idea

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 30/11/2013 23:35

The way you've written your post, it's like you're desperately trying to resist this but feel you can't.

'I do not want to buy this for her' instead of 'there's no way I'm buying this for her'.

Even finding a way she can have what she wants by suggesting she gets it herself! She knows this already.

It's almost a little bit sinister, like you really feel you have no control over yourself when it comes to her and her needs (a bit OTT probably, but it's what I'm thinking reading what you've written).

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 30/11/2013 23:39

Don't feel like I have much control over anything at the moment Hmm

She is good at times, has lent me money when I've been stuck, which has been paid back in full.

But she has this awful sense of entitlement which drives me crazy!
She's very very selfish although would strongly deny it

OP posts:
BlueLagoonz · 01/12/2013 00:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mirivy · 01/12/2013 09:09

Are you an only child? One way might be to arrange a family Secret Santa so that each person buys a fairly hefty gift for one person in the extended family only, and nothing else. It's saved us all receiving a load of unwanted tat for Christmas (including such memorable items as garlic bread serving dishes) and means that we can get through the season without the stress and accompanying threat of bankruptcy. If anyone wants to give other gifts then they have to be homemade. We also give gifts to each child in the family, of course.
I know it's not the perfect solution for every family, but I think, especially in cases where there is a significant difference in income or number of people to buy for, it's a lot more likely to make the whole event enjoyable for everyone.

daisychain01 · 01/12/2013 09:22

Could you give her a cheque for the amount you can afford and say "here's a contribution towards the bracelet you like, enjoy!"

That's really taking control. What can she do? Worst thing would be to sulk/have a strop or not buy you anything. Fine, her choice. But it could be a starting point for the way you want things to be in the future, the new you in 2014!

I can't believe how badly behaved she is! What I mean is, I believe you, but she sounds unpleasant - sorry to say that about your mum Sad

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 01/12/2013 09:58

Am only child so secret Santa no good.
I think I'm going to get a gift card for the shop for about £20.
Although she goes home on 27th and won't be amused if I can't get her to the shop

OP posts:
diaimchlo · 01/12/2013 10:02

YADNBU.... People who tell you what to buy them for presents are actually presuming that you think that they deserve one and reading your posts I don't think your um does TBH.

ZillionChocolate · 01/12/2013 10:14

You've already bought her a gift. Did you intend to get her another? If not, then don't!

expatinscotland · 01/12/2013 10:20

Tell her! Mum, I can't afford to spend £60 on that.'

AuditAngel · 01/12/2013 10:30

It's really hard when people have unrealistic expectations and demands.

If you have already bought a gift, don't get her anything else. If her presence is enough, you taking her to the shop for her to buy the bracelet herself seems very fair to me.

Take a deep breath, and if she sulks or tantrums, give her the same treatment your DC would receive.

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