Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To make 4yo go out with grandparents

62 replies

Fukeit · 03/11/2013 20:28

Dd is 4 and is increasingly unhappy about spending the day with her grandparents. They are nice people and love her very much. FIL is a bit grumpy and sharp with mil which dd doesn't like.

They have always had her one day a week (at their insistence not through my need)

Tomorrow they want to take her to visit some relatives. Dd is insisting she doesn't want to go. Do I let her decide? Or Is this madness, she's 4 and should do as she's told? I honestly don't know which is the reasonable thing to do.

Dh has admitted he never liked these relatives as a child. There is no question of them hurting her. They are just a bit loud and not very child friendly.

OP posts:

JackNoneReacher · 03/11/2013 20:31

If she knows them well and is used to them but is still unhappy because she basically doesn't like them then I wouldn't send her.

...But if its because she is just keeping her options open and knows that there is another option which she'd prefer then I'd send her.

Hope that makes sense

Amy106 · 03/11/2013 20:32

What are their plans for the day? Are there at least some parts that would be fun for dd?

MrsDavies · 03/11/2013 20:37

I don't have a 4 year old so not speaking through experience, but I do have a 5 year old DSD so I can relate. IMO she should do whatever you want her to. obviously if there is something she doesn't want to do explaining to her why she's doing it and selling her the benefits will help. but ultimately like you said - she's only 4., and allowing her to decide where she goes and who she sees sometimes could lead to future problems when you want her to go somewhere and she doesn't. good luck!

Original poster

Fukeit · 03/11/2013 20:39

It's only a short day out so the only plans I know of are going out for lunch which dd really enjoys, but even the promise of chips hasn't convinced her to go.

The alternative is staying home with me, which is usually her preference.

OP posts:

Sausagewaffle · 03/11/2013 20:40

perhaps send her this time, and next time ask her first before arrangements are made?

it could as another poster stated, create future problems.

it's your choice at the end of the day. whatever you decide :)

harticus · 03/11/2013 20:40

Sounds like she is just being a bit mumsy/clingy.

I have had this with my DS when he was small - he hated the thought of something and then he'd go and have a brilliant time and couldn't wait to do it again - whilst I had spent an entire day fretting that he was miserable.

Wouldn't the GPs be very upset if she didn't go?

TigOldBitties · 03/11/2013 20:41

I would send her. I went through phases of not always likings y grandparents but having a close family and knowing them well is something I've really treasured as I've got older. She will reach a balance with them

I would however tell the grandparents she been a bit unhappy about how it's gone in the past.

Original poster

Fukeit · 03/11/2013 20:42

mrsdavis the problem is I'm a bit soft I suppose and wouldn't normally make her do anything she doesn't have to.

OP posts:

sparklysilversequins · 03/11/2013 20:43

I would never send my child if they really didn't want to go.

Original poster

Fukeit · 03/11/2013 20:46

Cross posted there, yes agree she often doesn't want to do things and then enjoys them.

I'm just a bit fed up of every week convincing her that she'll have a lovely time and pointing out x,y,z which she loves to do with mil.

Yes mil would be very upset if she didn't go which is why I really want to send her. I just don't want her to look back and think 'why did mummy send me when I hated going' I'm feeling guilty at putting mil's feelings before Dd's.

OP posts:

WooWooOwl · 03/11/2013 20:48

If she's been tantrumy about going, I'd make her go otherwise she'll learn that pester power works well and it will translate into other areas of life. I also wouldn't want to send the message that it's ok to let people down at the last minute just because you don't fancy it.

If you decide to let her stay home I'd make up an excuse to her so that she doesn't think she can get out of whatever she wants whenever she wants.

halfwayupthehill · 03/11/2013 20:50

Please don't send her. At best you are forcing a situation and at worst you are not listening to her. She may have good reason to feel as she does.

ringaringarosy · 03/11/2013 20:50

Sorry bit off topic but i really dont get the whole "having" kids for the day,its mad!I just cant imagine it.

I wouldnt send her if she doesnt want to go,i dont know whay anyone would?

ringaringarosy · 03/11/2013 20:52

and i hate to say it but there is a really teeny tiny chance there is a "real" reason she doesnt want to go,you just never know.

ringaringarosy · 03/11/2013 20:53

I have kids who sometimes dont want to go somewhere that you would think they would want to,in my experience,even if they enjoy it once they are there,they dont remember it,all they remember is mummy made me go and i didnt want to.

SparkleSoiree · 03/11/2013 20:54

I think it's important to listen to your child, at least trying to have a chat about why she doesn't want to go. It's not about being clingy or giving into her but ascertaining that there is nothing else making her upset or uncomfortable whilst she is not with you. Four year olds can still be intimidated by larger than life personalities or frightened by adults bickering and being sharp with each other.

reddaisy · 03/11/2013 20:56

Don't send her. If she is consistent with her feelings then listen to her. I was made to do all sorts of stuff when I was a child - because it suited my DM and I will not subject my DD to that. Although I do make her go to her swimming lesson every week and she usually complains about that but that is non negotiable.

Jojay · 03/11/2013 20:56

Has she just started school? Is she missing spending more time with you do you think?

Maybe it's not really a problem with the grandparents , more that she wants to be at home with you, now she dirndls must of her week elsewhere.

Jojay · 03/11/2013 20:57

*spends much of her week elsewhere

HearMyRoar · 03/11/2013 20:58

If you don't need her to go and she doesn't want to go then forcing her for a day every week seems a bit much. Could you not reduce the number of visits a bit to once every couple of weeks or even once a month?

I think if you are making her go every week when she doesnt want to you risk sending her the other way and ending up with her not wanting to see them at all when she gets older.

babyboomersrock · 03/11/2013 21:00

FIL is a bit grumpy and sharp with mil which dd doesn't like

I'm not surprised, and I'm wondering if maybe "grumpy and sharp" means something far more worrying when you are not around, OP? If he is like that in front of adults, he may be even worse when they're alone with your daughter - in which case, you can hardly blame her for not liking it.

Your child's feelings are the important ones in this scenario - not the grandparents'. I'd be trying to find out a bit more about what's bothering her.

ThisIsBULLSHIT · 03/11/2013 21:04

I think I would listen to her. I have a 5 yr old dd and wouldn't make her go anywhere if she didn't want to go and I certainly wouldn't put a GP's slight miffedness above my child's anxiety.

Also people arguing in front of children can be very upsetting and this could be really worrying her if she hasn't heard much arguing before. (assuming you aren't very confrontational?) my children don't bat an eyelid at arguing

freemanbatch · 03/11/2013 21:04

you give a reason your DD doesn't want to go in your post fukeit, is that what she has told you or what you think might be the problem?

I ask because that would make a difference to my decision if it was my child.

If your DD has told you she isn't happy and told you why then she should be listened to and allowed to be involved in the decision far more than if she simply kicking and screaming about it.

AgentZigzag · 03/11/2013 21:05

No way would I send my 4 YO DD out with someone who she was repeatedly saying she didn't enjoy spending time with.

She's telling you something important, listen to her!

At 4 it's unlikely she's doing it for manipulative reasons, but even if she was, why would you force her?

I would try to shield mine from any come back on her (and it would hurt the GPs feelings), and not say it's because she doesn't want to go. You need to make her feel safe and secure that anything she tells you won't get her into trouble, have any negative consequences or get back to the people she's saying it about.

Your priority/loyalty should lie with your DD, not your MIL and whether she'll be upset.

Original poster

Fukeit · 03/11/2013 21:07

Thanks for the responses it's good to know this isn't an obvious YABU.

There really isn't any question that there is potential for hurting her in anyway. She doesn't leave mil's side and I'd trust that woman with my life.

I think someone hit the nail on the head. They are an intimidating bunch. They all seem to be going deaf so shout and dd hates loud noises. Dd is a very sensitive child and doesn't take well to things out of her comfort zone.

She hasn't started school yet, but enjoys nursery very much. Her younger sibling is home with me so potentially she doesn't want to miss out on home stuff.

The having a child for the day isn't my idea and not what happened when I was little but it is very much what happens in dh's family and I went along with it.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3