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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel like im being phased out

47 replies

theignored · 27/10/2013 10:21

I've been good friends with a lady since our first dc's were born 5yrs a go. We live very close and used to see each other two or three times a week, and we're always texting etc. We're part of a circle of around five friends but we have always been especially close.
Last year my oldest two dc started going to pre school every morning to give me a few hours of peace with the dc3, around this time I stopped getting invited to Playgyms,
ach others house, general outings. I would always suggest we should meet after pre school in the afternoons but this never seemed to be an option for them. So I started seeing them less through no choice of my own.
A few months later my close friend introduced a new lady to the group, all seems fine and she was invited on a prearranged girls weekend away. She seemed to take a dialing to me, leaving me out of conversations.
The weekend after we got home she invites everyone round to hers for drinks, apart from me. I see photos on facebook and feel so left out. I confront my close friend who says they didn't think I'd want to come.
I've really tried to keep friendly asking if they fancy meeting up, going out etc but always met with some excuse.
I logged into facebook today for the first time in months and there they are again on a night out.
I feel really awkward now, I see my close friend on the school run everyday. Should i just accept they've moved on and just exchange pleasantries or try and salvage what used to be a really good friendship?

OP posts:
scarletforya · 27/10/2013 10:24

Don't beg. Just hold your head up and move on. Make small talk if it's made to you but no more.

everlong · 27/10/2013 10:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lottieandmia · 27/10/2013 10:29

They are not very good friends are they? But I would also feel hurt. When this sort of thing happens it can really feel personal. If I were you I would try to find some new friends.

MsVestibule · 27/10/2013 10:30

Why did your friend say they didn't think you'd want to come? I know the sensible thing would be to accept it and back off graciously, but I would have to find out what's happened. Can you speak to your friend again and ask her for the truth? Tell her that even if what she says may be hurtful, you'd rather know than just be cut off with no explanation.

Roshbegosh · 27/10/2013 10:33

Well she isn't such a close friend is she. Move on. Personally I would tell my former close friend what I thought of her two faced behaviour.

YouTheCat · 27/10/2013 10:34

Time for some new friends.

I really hate when people assume I wouldn't be interested in something without asking first.

Preciousbane · 27/10/2013 10:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lottieandmia · 27/10/2013 10:36

There are a lot of threads like this and it makes me glad I am not part of a group of women as grown women so often seem to behave like school children.

Original poster
theignored · 27/10/2013 10:36

I had just moved house at the time (around the corner) they said they thought I would be too stressed. I was stressed but it would have been a nice distraction. My closest friend apologised for leaving me out, but its happened so often since then.
It does feel very personal, and also like something I would have encountered at school.
I agree I need some more friends but its easier said than done.
I bumped into one of the group and she mentioned she was having a party for the kids this week, then invited me. On one hand I'd love to go and the kids would love to see their friends but how awkward would it be? I wouldn't have been invited if she hadn't bumped into me.

OP posts:
Panzee · 27/10/2013 10:36

Is new friend a Wendy? She might be helping old friend edge you out, possibly by making stuff up.

flipchart · 27/10/2013 10:38

I'm sorry you have been dumped.

You are just going to move on and, as hard as it is accept they aren't your close friends anymore.

Please keep your dignity.

lifehasafunnywayofhelpinguout · 27/10/2013 10:38

Of course you're going to feel hurt by this you're a human being. I not not going to pretend I wouldn't be bothered by it. However please do not give them the satisfaction of letting them see how much the are hurting you. Let them get on with their stupid little clique. Just move on. I know it's hard but you deserve friends whop are going to treat you properly because they're out there somewhere and even if they're not it's better to have no friends than crap ones. xxx

YouTheCat · 27/10/2013 10:38

Take the kids to the party. They will enjoy it.

Plus not all the group might be aware of what is happening and they might not all be excluding you - it could just be one or two silly cows.

mewmeow · 27/10/2013 10:39

Oh dear, this is a horrible situation to be, I've found myself in it many times (and probably as a teenager did my fair share of 'phasing out' subconciously).
I know it feels horrible, but there is always the possiblity that they have some how got the impression that you were pulling away from the group yourself. You suggest the problems started when your two dcs started pre-school, could this have been the issue? Maybe they felt put out that you would choose this option, rather than to continue with the afternoon meet ups you guys had previously been doing? I know logically it's absurd as it is entirely your decision, and probably the right thing for you and your dcs, but people can take things like this to heart easily. The other option-not such a nice one- is that they felt you were drifting out anyway, and used the pre-school obstacle as a reason to ostricise you further.
If it is simply an issue of crossed wires, with both sides feeling like the other is pulling away, it should be fairly easily redeemable, it may just take guts to raise the issue with no messing around, eg 'i feel like im not so much part of the group any more, do you still want to be in contact with me?' or something along those lines, but a bit more personal to you iyswim. It will probably be obvious from their reaction if they genuinely felt you were backing out yourself, or if it was conspired by them.
If the latter proves to be the case then it is a very hurtful and horrible thing to deal with, particularly if you still value them and their friendships, but it is a big world out there and you will meet other people. It is best to leave with your head held high and back away without a scene. Particularly if the Dcs are involved and may still be friends etc. Just ignore them from your life, don't try too hard to reconcile, as it will probably just dent your confidence further.
Really feel for you, it is a nasty situation, i hope it turns out well for you and it was a misunderstanding. Yanbu to suspect otherwise though-given the circumstances!

Original poster
theignored · 27/10/2013 10:40

I don't think I've lost any dignity, I broached the subject of being left out once and then made an effort to be more part of the group.
I have no intention of mentioning the night out, I think your right I'll say hello etc when needs be but otherwise start distancing myself. It's such a close community though too, I think its knocked my confidence a lot.

OP posts:
spanky2 · 27/10/2013 10:43

This happened to be. However the Wendy that edged me out ended up behaving very badly. She ended up having a threesome while my ex best friend's dd was there. The dd saw the Wendy, her dh and female sex buddy lying in bed together in the morning after. Awful. The Wendy then confessed to holding cocaine parties with a circle of school Mums. Drop them and run for the hills. They are not nice women if they can phase you out so easily.

Viviennemary · 27/10/2013 10:44

Don't broach the subject of being left out. I wouldn't bother with being part of the group. Go to the party if you were invited and you want to go. If there is any one person in the group you liked you could invite them for coffee. I think that's what I'd do. But also try and make new friends but it takes time.

FruOla · 27/10/2013 10:50

Preciousbane, a Wendy is a new friend to an existing group of friends - she gains everyone's trust and friendship and then starts to phase out one (or more) of the group - usually the person/people that she senses will be 'on to her' quickly. Often, whilst ingratiating herself with the group, she'll start telling the rest of the group untruths about the woman she wants to get rid of so they start to phase the woman out too.

Lilacroses · 27/10/2013 10:52

Sorry OP, this sounds really hurtful. I've been in a similar situation myself and it has been very hard. Two options I can see are speaking to one of the other friends in a very straightforward way as in "I feel as if I'm being left out of things...why?" If she says "Oh we thought you wouldn't want to come" again say "why did you think that? I was really hurt".

However......
I did this with a friend (who was in a group of people who had edged me out similarly). To be honest it was pointless, she completely denied it was happening and called me paranoid and then they continued to leave me out! It gave me a slight feeling of satisfaction that I had said my piece but ultimately I decided to go with option 2....forget them and move on. I really don't need people in my life that behave like that.

I know it's sad and confusing though.

Lilacroses · 27/10/2013 10:55

It knocked my confidence too OP, I started to feel as if I couldn't "read people" properly whereas previously I'd felt really at ease socially. I think it was the whole "You're being paranoid" even though I clearly wasn't!

Dilidali · 27/10/2013 10:56

You've been wendied. Breeze over the whole thing.
Organise playdates for the kids and ply the mothers with tea and cake. :)

Original poster
theignored · 27/10/2013 11:24

I didn't realise this was so common. She is totally a fucking Wendy! I feel so much better knowing I'm not the only one this has happened to so thank you.
Why be a Wendy though? If she hadnt have been such a bitch to me we could have been a good group of friends.

OP posts:
WhatABeautifulPussy · 27/10/2013 11:53

I suspect either she's jealous of you on some level or she saw you as an easy target because of your schedule, which meant she didn't see you as much as she saw the others.

Are you still close to your close friend or has she drifted away too?

I'd try to maintain individual friendships. Over time it will probably become obvious that if you're seeing all of them and they all still like you the issue is with the Wendy.

Lilacroses · 27/10/2013 11:57

I posted on here as well theignored when it happened to me and was hugely comforted that I wasn't alone in this too. Hope things get easier for you soon. I certainly had a big emotional shift when I finally properly realised my "Wendy" was not interested in including me and not interested in how I felt at all actually. It was a big moment for me and allowed me to stop making an effort with her. Things started to look up from there on really. Good luck to you.

spanky2 · 27/10/2013 12:00

The Wendy in my case has told everyone that the reason my ex friend's dh had a heart attack was because ex best friend had an affair with wendy's dh. He did have a heart attack but that wasn't the reason. Stay well away.

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