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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that it is irresponsible to...

30 replies

QueenoftheSarf · 17/10/2013 15:41

...leave your child (aged 11) with your ex husband during half term week to go on holiday abroad with your new boyfriend and to only tell your ex and child that you will be going away but not where?

There are no issues of the mother being hunted down by her ex or trouble starting or anything like that whatsoever as she and her ex are on good terms. The reason given is simply "they don't need to know where I am as long as I'm contactable by phone".

Personally, I can't understand the mentality of this and wouldn't find this behaviour acceptable for a mother or a father of a dependent child but am beginning to wonder whether I'm over-reacting a bit? Is it something lots of people find perfectly reasonable?

OP posts:
RhondaJean · 17/10/2013 15:43

It is a bit childish but as long as she is contactable by phone I don't think it'd irresponsible at all.

YAbu (a bit)

Justforlaughs · 17/10/2013 15:44

Why do they need to know, as long as they have a phone number? Admittedly I would leave a number for a hotel rather than a mobile number but I know that my parents are away at the moment and haven't got a clue where. I have a number I can ring if I need them. I don't really see a problem tbh.

WorraLiberty · 17/10/2013 15:45

I'm guessing there's a reason that you haven't been told about.

TwoStepsBeyond · 17/10/2013 15:46

I don't see anything wrong with that tbh. You don't know what the relationship is like with her ex, if he's likely to look up the hotel and judge her for it being expensive/cheap/somewhere they went together/somewhere that DS would have enjoyed etc then I fully understand why she wouldn't tell him. If she is contactable by phone and likely to call her DS regularly anyway, no problem.

When I went away without the DCS I did leave details with XH just in case, but they weren't really necessary and he didn't ask.

Smoorikins · 17/10/2013 15:48

I'm not sure how you think it is 'irresponsible'. Will knowing where she is make it any easier for her to get back if needed? As you say, they have contact details.

It's odd, certainly, but not irresponsible.

DontPanicMrMannering · 17/10/2013 15:48

I do think someone should know where she is, what if she was ill / died / disappeared although its not technically any of her exes business her child is old enough to worry.

For example tsunami time / ferry accident / earthquake / hurricane, mobile fails, child sat worrying thats where his mum is.

Lilicat1013 · 17/10/2013 15:48

I wouldn't do it, if I left my child with anyone (including their father) I would give full contact details in case of an emergency. I would ensure they had the hotel name and number where we were staying in case there was an urgent need to reach me and they for some reason they couldn't get hold of me on my mobile.

I simply don't see the reason for it especially as she is on good terms with her ex partner. It is just weird for me, I am given more contact details for the people I cat sit for than she is giving to someone caring for her child.

thebody · 17/10/2013 15:49

if this is a drip feed then do please get it over with now.

as it stands as long as the parent is contactable then that's the main thing.

Original poster
QueenoftheSarf · 17/10/2013 15:50

It seems I am overreacting a bit then. It's just something I wouldn't dream of ever doing personally so maybe that's why it seems like a big deal to me. Another aspect here is that I couldn't go away on holiday myself with a good heart knowing that I never take my DC anywhere. I'd feel too guilty to enjoy myself.

OP posts:
yeghoulsandlittledevils · 17/10/2013 15:51

No, if it is just for a week and they have a phone number then I don't see the problem. If she's going abroad, it would take a while for her to return in an emergency wherever she is. Perhaps she feels the need to do that to be able to 'switch off' from parental responsibilities and hand over the reins to ExH. If it is for childish, petty reasons, and accompanied with moaning within the child's hearing, then that's another matter entirely.

Original poster
QueenoftheSarf · 17/10/2013 15:51

Excuse me thebody? What do you mean, "drip feed"?

OP posts:
UnicornsNotRiddenByGrownUps · 17/10/2013 15:54

Who are you in this situation? You sound like the father's partner??

I totally get why you wouldn't, all about privacy and relaxation. Also avoids judgements on price/location from the ex partner.

PeppiNephrine · 17/10/2013 15:56

Where is the irresponsible bit?

Original poster
QueenoftheSarf · 17/10/2013 15:57

Perhaps I don't have the perspective on the situation that other people who have been, or who are divorced, have. I don't have any insight into the dynamics of a relationship with an ex. Maybe there are issues here I haven't considered or have no concept of. I just can't help thinking about the child though Sad.

Oh and this is just a friend BTW.

OP posts:
ihearsounds · 17/10/2013 16:00

Why is it irresponsible to leave a contact number?

AngelsLieToKeepControl · 17/10/2013 16:00

Maybe its to avoid snidey digs because she is going away with her new boyfriend and not her child.

As long as she can be contacted in an emergency I don't see the issue.

PeppiNephrine · 17/10/2013 16:00

What about the child? They are fine, no doubt. You're really making a big deal of this, parents are allowed to have lives too you know.

ArtexMonkey · 17/10/2013 16:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ihearsounds · 17/10/2013 16:04

So mum gets some time to relax, while the child is spending quality time with their other parent.

The problem is?

flippinada · 17/10/2013 16:06

a) YABU

b) Please don't refer to this woman as your friend.

c) YABU, with bells and whistles on.

ivykaty44 · 17/10/2013 16:06

it is irresponsible to leave your child with someone who is incapable of looking after your dc in any eventuality

Is the person the 11 year old child being left with incapable of looking after the child? If they are then and only then is the parent irresponsible and they need to search for another adult to take on the job

SaucyJack · 17/10/2013 16:07

Did you like her better when she was miserable and single and someone you could pity instead?

PerpendicularVincentPrice · 17/10/2013 16:07

I agree with you OP, it seems strange. I'd want my child to have the comfort of knowing where I would be.

What if my mobile was lost/stolen, or there was an emergency and I had no signal?As a poster upthread said, if there was an incident my child may also worry I was involved.

Concern for DC would outweigh any concerns re judging cost of holiday etc, if someone did that it wouldn't bother me at all, my money my business!

ivykaty44 · 17/10/2013 16:09

I do wonder why though you would go on holiday during half term when you need to pay far more to holiday than either the week before or the week after Confused

Snatchoo · 17/10/2013 16:15

I think it's a bit weird tbh, but this is the way DSSs mum has always operated.

Except she would also turn off her phone and not actually be contactable at all Angry