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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be so upset by mil?

21 replies

mindlessrascal · 09/10/2013 23:42

Hi, first post so I hope I'm doing it right!
I'm gay and have been with my dp for over two years. My family have no issue with our relationship but her mother is extremely homophobic. It's quite a difficult scenario really, as I get on well with my mil and stay at her house a lot, (dp and I both live at home) however we are not "allowed" to be gay in her home, i'm just her "best friend" etc.
Yesterday was in the car with mil when for no apparent reason she went off on a huge rant about how homosexuality is a sin and the bible says it's wrong etc... I've been told previously by dp to let her get on with it and not to challenge her because I'll upset her and it's her house her rules etc.
So that was slightly upsetting to me, but something i'm fairly used to, however today she informs dp that she (mil) had spoken to a totally reliable source clairvoyant last night who had told her various things about mil's friends, her other child, (nothing positive you understand) and then to top it off, added that my dp wasn't really gay, and that soon a man would come along and sweep her off her feet.
Now, I don't really believe that everyone who claims to be psychic actually is, even though the smallest worry is now in my head about mine and dp's future (we're engaged and I can't see a future without her) but I'm so angry with my mil, and I really don't know if I'm bu when it wasn't her that actually said it.
So sorry for the long long post, but It's quite a complicated situation and I wanted to give the full story. I also hope it doesn't just read as a rant even though it kind of is
Thanks for reading!

OP posts:

timidviper · 09/10/2013 23:46

I think you need to ignore her, what a rude and stupid woman! Don't let her come between you

IHeartKingThistle · 09/10/2013 23:48

She can't have it both ways. She's going to have to accept you both if she wants to maintain a relationship with her daughter (and you!).

How does your dp feel about it?

BillyBanter · 09/10/2013 23:49

either she made it up, ie it was her who actually said it or she was told what she wanted to hear. That's what con merchants clairvoyants do. And she still chose to tell you. She didn't have to do that. She wasn't doing it as a favour to you.

There can be no guarantees that your dp won't at some point meet a man and go off with him but stressing about the possibility that something might just possibly happen at some point in the future is a bit pointless. She might get run over by a bus, or go live in a cave or any number of other things. I wouldn't spend too much time worrying about them either.

WorraLiberty · 09/10/2013 23:49

I don't know her (obviously) but I don't actually believe her

Even though I don't believe in clairvoyants either, I just think she's trying to make out someone else agrees with her.

She sounds like she's 1 nugget short of a Happy Meal quite frankly.

pigsDOfly · 10/10/2013 00:53

She wants to unsettle you and put you on the back foot. Don't let her.

Whether she has been told what she wanted to hear from a 'clairvoyant' or whether she made it up doesn't matter. It comes to the same thing in the end; she's being spiteful.

Your dp wants to be with you, you're engaged. Her mother doesn't want to accept that, that's her problem.

Stop worrying about any nonsense this nasty woman is spouting and get on with living your lives and building a future together.

nameimadeupjustnow · 10/10/2013 01:01

How long until your DP can move out of this woman's house???

AndYouCanDance · 10/10/2013 01:04

Also, if you really want to annoy her, you could point out that the Bible is very opposed to clairvoyants and any other kind of fortune telling.

MellowandFruitfulSnazzy · 10/10/2013 01:15

Wherever it came from, the statement about your DP is meaningless. Don't get rattled by it.

MiniMonty · 10/10/2013 03:34

Yeah yeah yeah - blah blah blah.
Your mil is clearly a bit of a idiot so trouble on through.
Seems like you might have to actually trouble on through ( and
that might not be a breeze) but take no prisoners.
It's not 1850 and it's not a church your arriving at.
The details (each day / week / month/ year) are trivial, it's about being groovy, honest and up front so push yourself and smile at everyone.

If you imagine for a second it's about being gay, you've instantly made it about being gay.

lisianthus · 10/10/2013 06:37

Another vote here for MiL=Happy Meal-nugget

However, I'm a bit re your DP and the whole "don't upset her" line. Are you positive that once your DP has moved out she'll be more supportive of you? It may be MiL's house, MiL's rules, but just sitting by while MiL goes off on one about homosexuality and talks happily about her daughter dumping you is not particularly respectful of you or your relationship, and I don't see why you should be required to put up with that.

Pollydon · 10/10/2013 06:43

Ignore, ignore, ignore
Its the only way to deal with nasty ignorant people like that

PansOnFire · 10/10/2013 07:02

Yep, there's a lost nugget out there somewhere.

Ignore her, she's trying to instil insecurities within you and if you take even a slight bit of notice of the MIL's mate pretending to be clairvoyant it will snowball and lead to issues between you and your DP.

Since you can't actually do away with her, I'd just try and take some humour from the batty old bitch. It's unbelievable that people still have those ignorant views.

Milkjug · 10/10/2013 08:12

Oh mindless. If I wasn't so enraged on your behalf, this would be hilarious. Just picture your MIL at some doofus Madame FakeGypsyName, who, lets face it, isn't going to have to work too hard at this cold-reading.

MIL: I want to know about my daughter's future. Will she spend her life tragically without a MAN???

Madame FGN: Hmm. In my crystal ball, I see a WEDDING!

MIL: Oh, thank God! I knew she wasn't a real lesbian! A wedding!

Madame FGN: Aha! Yes, soon a lovely man will arrive, sweep her off her feet, whisk her off to the nearest branch of H Samuel and give her a lovely ring.

MIL: I see myself in lilac for the wedding...

Honestly, put it out of your mind, OP, and concentrate on forging a future together where you don't have to pussyfoot around homophobes.

vtechjazz · 10/10/2013 08:28

Tell mil that you also saw a clairvoyant who said that not only was her daughter a 'massive gay' but mil was too and was jealous of you! Then try to kiss her. Then report back here.

Or, 2, ignore the silly bint. I vote for option 1.

thebody · 10/10/2013 08:45

your mil has the right to assume you adhere to her rules in her house.

I think your bigger problem isn't the daftness if your mil but the behaviour if your partner.

your relationship should be acknowledged and she shouldn't be sitting back while mil insults you.

I think you are worried about the influence mil had in her dd, the strength of your partners love and commitment.

and I don't blame you. not nice for you.

ivykaty44 · 10/10/2013 08:52

ask for the name and number as you want to go and try out this clairvoyant yourself- that will put the wind up her

breatheslowly · 10/10/2013 09:14

It doesn't make sense that your MIL believes in the biblical stuff about "homosexuality is a sin" and also goes to see clairvoyants. I really don't think that genuine Christians go to see clairvoyants. It seems to me that she just has a massive prejudice that she is feeding with bits here and there. I really don't think that anyone can really see the future. Clairvoyants come in two forms, those that know they are talking rubbish and those who are talking rubbish but actually believe it too. I think Millkjug is spot on with ho the conversation went.

BettyBi0 · 10/10/2013 13:17

YANBU - your MIL sounds like a homophobic manipulative ar*e and you guys need to move out.

I understand that your DP would probably find this a really difficult situation as she has all her emotional history/baggage and risks rejection and loss for confronting her mum. Being bought up by such a horrible person could seriously mess with your DP's personal self worth/value as an equal and ability to assert herself against her mum. After a lifetime of your MIL's vicious manipulations it's not straightforward to expect your DP to simply take your side and support you more whilst still living with the b*tch.

You two definitely need space on your own and then IF you both want to then you can start opening communication with th MIL on your own terms. Eg she would have to fundamentally accept the equality of you both as individuals and your relationship.

Your MIL's attitude and behaviour could have a massive impact on any children you have with DP and they need to know that there is nothing wrong with your relationship with DP - or with them as an extenaion of this.

Original poster

mindlessrascal · 10/10/2013 19:28

Thanks for all the replies, made me feel a lot better! The chicken nugget thing has been making me smile all day :) I'm hoping dp and I will be able to move into our own house in the next few years and hopefully it will then be a case of "our house, our rules" ie, we're a couple get over it, but dp is vvv. close to her mother and I'm worried this will still be an issue.
Not wanting to offend anybody, I can't claim to know the ins and outs of Christianity, but mil seems to be vv. Christian only when it suits her and her agenda so the clairvoyant thing really doesn't surprise me!
Thanks all for putting my mind at rest, very glad I'm not the one being unreasonable!

OP posts:

gamerchick · 10/10/2013 19:42

I used to do readings for people (cards) and it's very easy to tune into them and give them answers that they are looking for. It's coupled with body language.. The question they ask, some clever questions, tuned in ears and a smidgen of intuition/instinct.

Put that to one side and forget about it. Concentrate on dealing with this woman and your relationship. Good luck.

Justforlaughs · 10/10/2013 22:33

Leviticus 19:31
“Do not turn to mediums or necromancers; do not seek them out, and so make yourselves unclean by them: I am the Lord your God

Isaiah 8:19
And when they say to you, “Inquire of the mediums and the necromancers who chirp and mutter,” should not a people inquire of their God? Should they inquire of the dead on behalf of the living?

Leviticus 20:27
“A man or a woman who is a medium or a necromancer shall surely be put to death. They shall be stoned with stones; their blood shall be upon them.

Loads and loads of these references, far more than the 7 about " a man lying with another man"

Are homosexual acts especially serious sins, as suggested by Leviticus 20:13? Or are they relatively minor sins because they were not mentioned in the Ten Commandments or by Jesus, and there are only 7 other mentions in the Bible? (In comparison, the sin of hatred is mentioned 21 times, lying and false testimony 30, greed, avarice and covetousness 40, theft 42, adultery 52, murder 57, self-righteousness 79, and idolatry 169 times.) - note the "self righteous" count! . Neither are there ANY references to women being homosexual at all. Just saying - if you want a stick to hit her with. Even gossip gets more references!

Or you could just ignore it!

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