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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be furious with FIL?

23 replies

jollyjester · 23/09/2013 09:42

Long one so thanks in advance if you get to the end!

Over the weekend my DH and I held a coffee morning to raise money for charity.
It was well supported and my Childminder came along and brought some friends. My DD aged2 has been with the CM for 18 months and loves her to pieces (sometimes doesn't want to come home!) and I have known CM for most of my life so I trust her completely.

FIL was walking about not really talking to anyone but went up to CM table which had some of my other family at it and tapped CM on the shoulder and said to her "my granddaughter said 'cm smack'" and walked off laughing.

CM text me later to say what had happened and she was very upset and said that she wanted to say that its not true. I believe her 100% as she has been looking after children for over 30 years whereas this is just another thing that FIL has done that he thinks is funny. I don't belive in smacking as I don't want DD thinking she can hit but I prefer to explain what she has done wrong and remove a toy etc as punishment if she misbehaves.

My DH was livid and tackled FIL about it later on but FIL kept saying "I was only joking" etc. He can't understand why we are so angry at him.

He caused CM embarrasment and she now wonders do people think that of her.

PIL are not the easiest people but we are meant to be taking them abroad for 3 weeks next month to BIL wedding but I can't see myself letting this one go. Were going to have to go to the wedding as there are no other siblings and its very far away and we can't afford to cancel it now.

Are DH and I being unreasonable to be so angry?

OP posts:
Beastofburden · 23/09/2013 09:45

Explain to him that he has embarrassed her professionally in front of others, in the same way as he would feel embarrassed if you walked up to a table of his clients and told them he was on the fiddle at work.

Then tell him he has to write and apologise, with flowers.

pictish · 23/09/2013 09:50

Well yeah and no!

I immediately thought of my mate's dad, who would totally do something like this. He's a great man, but has a near to the knuckle soh.

I'm sure your fil never considered the implications of his joke. He would just think it was funny, because to him, it would be so obviously not true, that everyone would 'get it'.

He wouldn't have expected her to be so upset. I think a 'sorry...I meant no harm' from him to her would be good.
I think you making your feelings on the matter clear is fine, but I'm not sure why you are holding such a grudge.

giantpurplepeopleeater · 23/09/2013 09:53

No. YANBU.

What an odd thing to say. And other than trying to be particularly mean, embarass the poor girl, or stir up the hornets nest, I can't see why anyone would say anything like that.

My advice - suck it up for the wedding and then keep your distance from them.

This behaviour really isn't on.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 23/09/2013 09:56

Not a very funny "joke" and sounds like he was shit stirring not having a joke really.

I do think FIL needs to apologise to the CM somehow because he was a dick rude to her but I wouldnt count on it. But as fall outs go, this isn't a major one from your perspective from what I can see so personally I'd try to get past it, if only because the 3 weeks you spend together for this wedding will be unbearable otherwise!

Original poster
jollyjester · 23/09/2013 10:08

Its just another "joke" on his part that DH and I have to apologise for and try and pick up pieces. When I first told people I was pregnant with DD, FIL met friends of DH in the supermarket and when they said great news about Jolly he said "but she lost the baby" and laughed. Friends were mortified as they knew of a previous MC and didn't know what to say.

I think thats why I hold a grudge against his jokes.

FIL won't apologise because he thinks he's done nothing wrong. Saw CM this morning and she was ok but she is still coming to terms with the death of her father a month ago (she nursed him for about a year) so she said she is probably being oversensitive but I think she is trying to save embarassment on mine and DH part.

OP posts:
kelda · 23/09/2013 10:13

Tell him she could sue for defamation of character.

He sounds very nasty.

kali110 · 23/09/2013 10:16

Poor cm!

WestieMamma · 23/09/2013 10:16

Your FIL sounds like a sick, nasty man. I'd be tempted to tell him that someone reported his comment to police and the CM has been arrested, except he's probably the sort that would find that funny too.

MaidOfStars · 23/09/2013 10:17

Oh golly, Prince Phillip has nothing on your FIL. Agree with the first reply - an open apology for the professional and personal embarrassment and a bunch of flowers, at the very least.

And as for the 'joke' about your pregnancy, what the actual f*ck? Do you have input from MIL? What does she think?

MrsKoala · 23/09/2013 10:18

What an utter bellend. I really hate this 'humour'. It is designed to make conflict and people squirm with discomfort. The 'joker' gets control over watching it then gets to say 'it was a joke' as if you are all humourless sour pusses. Just because you call something a joke it doesn't make it so. Jokes are often very controlling and manipulative.

My dad once 'joked' to me when i was a child that my mum had left us and wasn't coming back and when i was sobbing laughed that i was 'stupid, because it was a joke'. The other day DHs colleague 'joked' that DH had been slagging off my hair at work Confused and then said laughingly when i didn't respond 'i was just trying to start an argument between you' - yeah cos that's just so funny isn't it? Weirdoes.

pianodoodle · 23/09/2013 10:20

YANBU he sounds a right cock - sorry :(

I suppose the only thing to do is make other people aware that you know he's an arse.

I had to do this with a step family member as I used to get mortified that I was somehow "linked" to them.

notundermyfoof · 23/09/2013 10:20

Wow your fil is a cock! The comment to your cm was bad enough but the mc "joke" Shock All you can do is apologise and explain that he is an insensitive twat, maybe offer to call the people who heard him say it and explain that its not true?

lottiegarbanzo · 23/09/2013 10:30

Hmm, the CM 'joke' is just a stupid wind-up. He probably expected her to say, 'I most certainly did not, your GD is lovely girl but I'll clip you round he ear if you don't behave!'

He sounds awkward and a bit of a buffoon. His way of negotiating social situations he finds difficult and boring.

The miscarriage 'joke' is dreadful though, what possible reaction did he want there? Makes him sound really malicious.

ENormaSnob · 23/09/2013 10:36

Does fil have the iq of roadkill?

If not, he's a nasty swine.

friday16 · 23/09/2013 12:22

What a stupid and nasty man. He gets away with it because he behaves like a total shit and no-one calls him on it. Where is your mother-in-law in this?

What does "taking them abroad for 3 weeks" entail? Why can't they go separately to you? If it's some scheme involving sharing a car or something, tell them to get stuffed.

Nanny0gg · 23/09/2013 12:25

What does MiL say?

5Foot5 · 23/09/2013 13:33

Maybe next time you have to introduce him to someone at a social gathering it should be something along the lines of "This is XXX, my FIL, you have to take what he says with a pinch of salt as he is a bit of a cock with an inappropriate sense of humour"

In his hearing of course.

ButterMyArse · 23/09/2013 14:13

He sounds like a right laugh Hmm.

I wouldn't expect an apology, he'll only repeat the fact that he was 'joking' and probably be confused that you're not falling over yourself at his wit.

Original poster
jollyjester · 23/09/2013 21:15

MIL is a whole other thread of bat crap craziness I couldnt even begin to start on!

its a wonder DH has turned out ok (apart from a few minor issues!!) its just such a dysfunctinal marriage set up. its like having two teenagers instead of grown people who should know that actions have consequenes.

we have to go the the wedding. involves a few flights and car hire in a strange country etc. so they cant go alone and DH wont go on his own with them.

I just wish we could be a nice normal family and not having this dread in every social situation.

OP posts:
pianodoodle · 23/09/2013 21:22

Could you take them abroad but forget to bring them back?!

Ehhn · 23/09/2013 21:23

If you get on really well with CM and are genuinely close, you could tell her your story to put context and make her an ally in his awfulness. If you would rather not (and i can absolutely see why you wouldn't) perhaps you could share another awful misfiring "joke" that your FIL has told. If you can think of an example, it would give you something to share/bond over and let you exhibit appropriately embarrassed reaction.

He sounds like the worst kind of insensitive dinosaur.

friday16 · 23/09/2013 22:01

involves a few flights and car hire in a strange country etc. so they cant go alone

Why not? Why is this your problem?

SamHamwidge · 23/09/2013 22:10

OP I feel sorry for you being stuck with such a dickhead FIL ! What planet is he in yo find this funny?!

I would seriously have lost it with his antics by now. Zero tolerance on the holiday!

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