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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it is not wrong or weird to have a relationship with someone.....

35 replies

BigFatLeaf · 22/09/2013 21:23

Who you don't think you will spend "forever" with.

I love the bones of DP, but for various reasons I unfortunately don't see us being together in ten year time (think different opinions on kids etc). It does make me incredibly sad that there will come a point when we have to call it a day.

My friend thinks it's very weird that my soul propose is not finding a husband, whereas I'm perfectly happy just being in love at the moment, even though I know it's not forever.

OP posts:
tethersend · 22/09/2013 21:28

You may not be with your partner forever- but I think you should believe that you will be, IYSWIM.

If I thought there was a better option out there, I'd go and find it.

But everyone is different, so as long as you're both happy, and one of you isn't labouring under the misapprehension that you will be together forever, then you're not bothering anyone.

NotYoMomma · 22/09/2013 21:29

I couldnt get my head around it being 'love' and not wanting/ thinking it would be forever.

I would find it a huge waste of time

do you want kids in the future? sadly it is more of a pressing consideration for women than for men

cookielove · 22/09/2013 21:29

I think no one knows which relationship will last forever, as people grow and change together so does their relationship. When I started dating my now dh, he didn't want marriage or children, my sister often urged me to break up with him as we wanted different things. So glad I decided to stick with him as we were married last year and have baby on the way. When we were dating I always wondered how long it would last :)

BrokenSunglasses · 22/09/2013 21:31

I think I know what you mean. YANBU.

Original poster
BigFatLeaf · 22/09/2013 22:12

It does make me very, very sad though and I can't hope helping I might be proved wrong :(.

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 22/09/2013 22:15

I don't understand how you can be in love with someone and not at least believe it might be forever?

I'm not saying you're wrong at all. It's just I've enjoyed boyfriends company and never loved them, never believed or considered a future. With my dp I have. Which is why I'm marrying him

Yorkieaddict · 22/09/2013 22:16

It's fine, as long as you are both on the same page with it. Does your DP know you don't see this relationship as being forever? If he doesn't it seems a little unfair to prevent him potentially going out and finding someone who would be forever if he wanted.

ICameOnTheJitney · 22/09/2013 22:16

I felt the same way that you do until I got to about 25 and then I matured and began looking at the future.

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 22/09/2013 22:18

YANBU

I did this. Started a fling with someone very interesting who I knew didn't want kids, and got involved. We eventually split, and it was painful, but I don't regret it.

Sinful1 · 22/09/2013 22:19

It might be a bitch for him when he finds out he's wasted all his time planning and building a future with someone who was just filling the time till something better came along

Trills · 22/09/2013 22:20

If you have different opinions on having children, then presumably one of you wants them and one doesn't?

Wouldn't it be better for the one who does want them to be single and therefore available should they meet the person who they will have kids with? (and probably meeting more new people, as single people are wont to do, so more likely to meet that person)

If you are the one who doesn't want them then I can see why it's easy enough to stay together and have a nice time and not worry about it.

Original poster
BigFatLeaf · 22/09/2013 22:20

She knows.

OP posts:
Buttercup4 · 22/09/2013 22:21

YANBU as long as your DP knows and is ok with it.

A friend of mine is in his 20's and is in a relationship with a lady in her late 40's she has children, has done that marriage thing etc. I know he wants babies marriage the works. She can't have & doesn't want anymore children. In this scenario I think he should break up with her, because it will just be more painful in the long run for both of them and her children. In a slightly bizarre way, I also think he is stopping her from finding a life partner.

Alisvolatpropiis · 22/09/2013 22:22

Ok, well if she knows then your friend should but out.

It's working for you and your relationship.

guffaw · 22/09/2013 22:22

me and dp have never made the 'forever' commitment of marriage, however, we've stayed together for 34 years - so far - Smile, perfectly happy and in tune, I'd hate to promise forever and end up parting, I think its the lack of pressure of making this promise that's made our long term happiness possible. Confused

Original poster
BigFatLeaf · 22/09/2013 22:23

Oh I might as well tell you all anyway.

It's a big gender issue, we are two women, I am not gay. I have a baby DS and I do want more children, but I'm pretty sure I want them with a man. She knows this.

OP posts:
FreudiansSlipper · 22/09/2013 22:23

I can understand how you feel

I have had more than one he is the One relationships, life moves on people change and wanting it to last forever and being realistic is just accepting that somethimes as good as it is if it were to end it is not the end of the world

Alisvolatpropiis · 22/09/2013 22:27

I'd just see how it goes OP. What you believe you want may change or it may not. But if you love your current dp then that's the most important thing. Your friend should definitely keep her nose out.

CressidaMontgomery · 22/09/2013 22:28

Why are you in a same sex relationship with someone when you're not gay? That's the weird bit to me

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 22/09/2013 22:29

Hmm - there's nothing 'wrong' or 'weird' about it, but it is self inflicted pain in the long run. The longer you are with them, the more you come to love & care for them and the harder it is when you go your own ways. I wouldn't do it again - as much as it was a fab time in my life, I don't think that it was worth the pain of ending it - knowing that I knew I would have to do it.

However, there are some things in life you need to learn for yourself.

Alisvolatpropiis · 22/09/2013 22:30

Cressida

Because for many people attraction is not restricted to gender, it's the person they fall in love with not the bits they have.

Original poster
BigFatLeaf · 22/09/2013 22:30

Because I'm in love with her Cressida Confused

OP posts:
BruthasTortoise · 22/09/2013 22:30

It's not wrong and it's not weird but it can end up being very painful. One of my friends is in a relationship with a man whom she adores but they're have diametrically opposed views about having children. She knows ( and he knows) that it'll have to end but they adore each other and apart from this issue are perfectly matched. It's basically unresolvable though. It's very sad Sad.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 22/09/2013 22:31

So you are Bi

Why do you want them with a man? (clearly there needs to be a man involved in some way, shape or form) but why do you want to raise them with a man?

Is this your first relationship with a woman?

AnnieLobeseder · 22/09/2013 22:32

As long as you're both on the same page, why not enjoy your time with someone, and just be "in the now"? As long as you're prepared to pay the price when it ends... but then, that's the case with any relationship. Nothing is forever.

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