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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think if he abandoned first kids, he's not worth knowing?

75 replies

WibblyWoman · 05/09/2013 13:20

My friends DP has a 5, 6 and 8 year old from a previous relationship whom he hasn't seen for 3 years. His ex stopped contact, he hasn't fought to reinstate it. My friend has a 2 year old with him. I can't help thinking he's the same age her DPs youngest was when he stopped having contact and that if they split its likely her ds will be abandoned too. She acknowledges that this concerns her too. I told her I wouldn't be with my DP if I thought he were incapable of abandoning his child(ren.) I appreciate I may have been unreasonable to share my opinion, but that isn't an unreasonable opinion to hold is it?

OP posts:

BonaDrag · 05/09/2013 13:23

I think you'd need to know more details; why the ex stopped contact would be a key issue. YANBU to have concerns but it is ultimately your friend's business.

HoneyDragon · 05/09/2013 13:23

Yes. Your opinion is unreasonable to give. You can ave it. But what would sharing it achieve?

Original poster

WibblyWoman · 05/09/2013 13:26

She asked how I would feel/what I'd do in her position.

She stopped contact as she wanted him to have more responsibility rather than contact which fitted around his shift pattern.

OP posts:

ExcuseTypos · 05/09/2013 13:26

I agree, it's really non of your business.

I expect your friend would rather you kept your opinions about her H to yourself.

SilverApples · 05/09/2013 13:26

Do you think that voicing your opinion was helpful to your friend in any way?
Why did you?

mrsfuzzy · 05/09/2013 13:26

why did his ex stop contact ? there has to be a reason, having said that why hasn't he fought to see his dc, is he good with your friends dd ?i personally would want to find out a bit more about his background if i was your friend esp. as she has concerns about his commitment to his 'new family'. if she can she needs to ask him about these things that bother her, if he refuses or gets angry i think i would be a bit concerned for the future with this man.

ExcuseTypos · 05/09/2013 13:27

X posted.

Well if she asked then I suppose you could say it might concern you. I certainly wouldn't tell her that he 'isn't worth knowing' when they already have a 2 year old.

SilverApples · 05/09/2013 13:28

So you told her that you would leave if he was your partner, based on his previous behaviour?
Do you want her to leave him, just in case? or are you saying that you'd never have such poor taste in the first place?

Original poster

WibblyWoman · 05/09/2013 13:30

I didn't say to her that he isn't worth knowing. When she asked what I'd do if I knew my DP would be unlikely to continue contact if we separated I said I wouldn't be in a relationship with him if I thought he'd be that way inclined.

OP posts:

CharlieAlphaKiloEcho · 05/09/2013 13:31

I have to say I have not gone for a second date with a man for this reason alone.

He said his ex was difficult and wanted to go via the courts and he thought it would be too much hassle.

My DD has no contact with her father and I know the pain that has caused her so I'd lose all respect for a man who did this.

worldgonecrazy · 05/09/2013 13:32

It depends on the reason. My DH was prevented from seeing the children from his first marriage by the unreasonable behaviour of his ex-wife. Trying to maintain access proved too stressful and upsetting for the children so he backed off until they were adults and able to make their own decisions. Without knowing all the reasons behind the original split and what has happened since, I don't think you can make a judgement call.

WilsonFrickett · 05/09/2013 13:33

Well you're not U to think that you wouldn't get involved yourself with a man who did this. Having been abandoned by my own father, I certainly wouldn't go near a man who didn't have contact with any existing children.

I do think though that this is one of those situations where you probably should have kept your views to yourself, especially given they have a child together.

Original poster

WibblyWoman · 05/09/2013 13:35

I know that he didn't make any attempt to reinstate contact; that he doesn't know where his children live or go to school and has made zero attempts to find out

OP posts:

Dahlen · 05/09/2013 13:38

If you were asked for your opinion I don't think you were unreasonable to give it.

I agree with you that a man who walks away from his first children is not a man I would want to have a relationship with. However, I'll admit to not always having seen it like that. The number of women who go on to have families with men who have abandoned previous children would suggest that I was not alone, either.

There will be all sorts of reasons given: she stopped contact, I didn't want to upset the children more, I/she moved away, they don't want to see me, her new partner has poisoned them against me, etc. Some of these are obviously BS but others will be presented in a way that seems entirely plausible and may even elicit sympathy. In many cases the new woman will simply feel that it will be different with her because "he really loves me" and therefore by extension any resulting children.

Most of the time this will be incredibly naive wishful thinking. But there are enough cases out there to not make it a blanket rule, and as long as that remains the case there will be women who will take that chance.

To me, it sounds as though your friend may have experienced something in her relationship that is just starting to make the scales fall from her eyes about her partner's reliability and integrity. Chances are that she may well not be with her DP for very much longer now this process has started. I would try to be as supportive as possible. Whatever you do, please don't make her feel foolish about making a bad choice because women made to feel like that often try harder than ever to make the relationship 'work' (i.e. subjugate themselves to their man) in order to avoid admitting to making a mistake.

Hegsy · 05/09/2013 13:39

Having been abandoned by my biological Dad before I was born then my 'step' dad after 25 years YANBU. Even as an adult it still hurt like hell that he choose a relationship with a girl younger than me and her 2 kids over me. It makes me think he's only interested in kids when 'Daddy' is idolised and the fact that I was no longer like that in a long term relationship and due to get married was a contributing factor in his decisions. I don't know how his GF can open herself and her kids up to the possibility of that hurt in the future.

lottieandmia · 05/09/2013 13:42

I agree with you OP, but as it's not your relationship then I would leave it to your friend. It's her life after all. That said, I don't understand anyone who can happily pretend their own flesh and blood does not exist, complicated though some of these situations are.

DeWe · 05/09/2013 14:06

Someone my parents know got married at 16 because his (then) girlfriend was pregnant. They're still together with three dc, and lots of dgd 50 years later, having supported each other through ups and downs that often break couples up, they've had a lot thrown at them over the years.

A few years ago the chap admitted to my parents that he'd had a previous child in an earlier relationship. He doesn't even know whether they were a boy or a girl as she refused to see him once she knew that she was pg.

twistedtoffee · 05/09/2013 14:13

YABU as you don't know all of the circumstances. Sometimes ex partners can be totally obstructive when it comes to allowing contact with children, to the point where the children are being used as weapons and the distress being caused to them and to the parent who doesn't have custody is unbearable. There are, sadly, situations where fathers (or mothers) sometimes just have to walk away despite the terrible pain it causes them to do this because at the end of the day, they are more concerned about their children's emotional well being than the parent who has custody and is using that as a stick to beat their former partner with.

acer12 · 05/09/2013 14:15

Is Aibu not an options board??

Yes it can say a lot about a person to what state there family is in.

My cousins partner walked away from his wife of two weeks and two young dc for her. He is a cunt of the first order. Didn't support them financially.

My cousin still gets shocked/ upset when she finds him messaging other women on Internet and generally treating her like shit!

The old " I'll let them come find me when there old enough business " what a load of wank!

absentmindeddooooodles · 05/09/2013 14:21

My dp has no contact with his 2yo. It absoloutley kills him but there is no legal aid anymore so the simple fact is we cannot afford to go through the courts right now. He has done everything je possibly could have to no avail. The only thing left is court. The mother is just horrwndous. I have a 2 yo, so before we got serious I wanted to know the full story. He showed me every text and solicitors letter...and I can see there is no way he has done anything wrong. She is venemous and nasty and has made it physically impossible for dp to see his dd.
If I found out that he had made no effort to persue contact with his child, and had said this, theres no way I could be in a relayionship with him. However maybe you dont know all the circumstances? Sometimes people just hit a brick wall like dp has with this legal aid. He still paus way over the odds maintinence every month and still doea not get a look in.

I think if you know the full story then fair enough...but there may well be more to it than meets the eye.

Meglet · 05/09/2013 14:30

You're probably right OP.

I often wonder what XP tells people when they ask about the dc's . He eventually refused to see them but it wouldn't surprise me if he played the 'woe is me' card. Fortunately he had the snip and his girlfriends' kids don't live with her either, so they can have a cushy life without dealing with children.

FudgefaceMcZ · 05/09/2013 14:36

YANBU, he is neglecting his own children :( But it's a bit late for her to act on this now!

WilsonFrickett · 05/09/2013 15:39

absent if an absent parent is still paying reasonable maintenance (unless I suppose they are so loaded the money makes no difference to them) I would be inclined to think differently. That's not the same thing as someone who has no contact and doesn't even support their children.

ThatsNontents · 05/09/2013 16:01

My brother was stopped from seeing his daughter and withdrew from court proceedings as it was too stressful for him, and his daughter in the middle.
And it cranked up the hostility.

He did the " I'll let them come find me when there old enough business "

And she did, when she was old enough to stand up to her mother, he just missed out on six years.

Pretty crap all round.

dufflefluffle · 05/09/2013 16:12

My dh had a very diffficult relationship with his ex. She controlled when and how he saw his dd. Once a month was not acceptable - it had to be every weekend or not at all. He lived a 7 hour round trip away while working a job that involved working weekends. He did his best to meet her demands but couldn't sustain it and so he was not allowed to see her for 2 years until he tried again. He was doomed to fail to meet her crazy demands from the beginning. The DD is now in her mid 20's and will have nothing to do with him but her mother still sends him demanding ridiculing texts and he is still affected by her. We have children and he is a excellent father to them. If we did split up I hope he would continue to be a good dad but I imagine I would be willing to work around his work schedule in order that he could still be a part of their lives rather than work against him as his ex did. Your friends partner could have learned from his previous relationship and she is a different character from his ex too so it would not necessarily be the same thing at all.

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