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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Or is Ex Partner taking the piss?

24 replies

rainsofcastersugar · 30/08/2013 14:43

Background: Split up with my ex in 2000. He walked out on me and DS1 and DD1. Not seen or heard from him since. Kids now 16 and 14. I was a single parent for a few years but have been married to my lovely DH since 2009.

Today, out of the blue, EXP sends me a message to say he would like to see the kids and form a relationship with them. This is after 13 years of non-contact where he didn't give a toss whether they had clothes on their backs or food in their bellies. AIBU to tell him to do one and that he is royally taking the piss?

OP posts:

MaxPepsi · 30/08/2013 14:45

Ask the kids what they want to do.

It's up to them.

flipchart · 30/08/2013 14:48

I would send a text back saying ' Ok piss taker, I'll pass your message on to the kids - it's up to them'

Pipparivers · 30/08/2013 14:48

I think you should leave it to your kids to tell him what they think. Its their choice and they are old enough to make it.

I think he is a right royal wanker but he isn't my dad he is theirs (they will likely think the same) unless you have told them he has been working on the moon all this time?

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/08/2013 14:48

Leave it up to the kids. But, ask for 13 years of child support.

peggyundercrackers · 30/08/2013 14:49

it is not your decision - the decision is your childrens to take.

i can understand it sticks in your throat but

JaneFonda · 30/08/2013 14:49

They are old enough now to decide for themselves, really.

You need to tell them what he said, and let them know that you will support them whatever they decide.

TooTabooToBoo · 30/08/2013 14:49

It's up to the children I'm afraid.

I completely understand where you are coming from though.

MegaClutterSlut · 30/08/2013 14:51

I agree with others, I would let the kids decide. They're old enough to decide whether or not they want to see him

CatAmongThePigeons · 30/08/2013 14:51

I would be desperately wanting to say that, but it is up to your children now really. You could then never be accused of 'getting in their way of a relationship'

Original poster

rainsofcastersugar · 30/08/2013 14:57

Thanks guys. I am really torn on this one as part of me is fecking fuming that he just thinks he can waltz in and disrupt everything and another part of me thinks that I can't stop them wanting to see him.

He was a grade A tosser and the best thing he did was leave us - although it took a while to realise that.

It's like I've done all the bloody hard part and here he comes to act like father of the year after 13 bloody years. Spent all morning in tears. I mean, why now? I don't care if I never see him again personally. My DH is gutted. He's brought those kids up. He's their dad.

OP posts:

HatieKokpins · 30/08/2013 14:58

My "father" left when I was six months old, never paid a penny and has never, ever tried to make contact. I'd like to see him, just once, to tell him what I think of him. Let your kids have the opportunity I didn't. Sadly, if you bar him from doing this, your kids will resent you for it when/if they find out later.

HatieKokpins · 30/08/2013 15:03

And, the fact that my step-father wasn't my actual "father" never made any difference to our relationship - he IS my father in all ways but blood, my actual father is basically a sperm-donor. It'll be hard for you all, but it's your kid's decision to make, not yours. I'm sorry you're struggling, but you have to give your kids the option - they're not going to suddenly run off with this man who is, to all intents and purposes, a stranger to them, and they're not going to love either of you less because he's back on the scene, I promise you that.

HairyGrotter · 30/08/2013 15:07

I dread this day, DD's father has never met her, my DP is her dad. I hope he never instigates interaction, however, it's up to the kids, but I'd be asking for back payment of maintenance for sure!

ihearsounds · 30/08/2013 15:08

It doesn't matter if you and their step-dad are gutted. They have the right to know that their bio father has made contact. It is entirely up to them to make this choice.

kc77 · 30/08/2013 15:09

Did the message include an address for him? If so, i'd be on to the CSA for 13 years worth of payments. Once he is up to date then he can resubmit his request for access!
I haven't seen my ex for 13yrs either and i've been dreading the fact that he may turn up at some point too :(

Squitten · 30/08/2013 15:11

I take it you haven't spoken to the kids at all about it yet. Their reaction might surprise you - they may not be interested or actually be very angry with him. I think you should all sit down together and tell them the situation. Be sure to include your DH so that they know he is supportive and won't be hurt by their choice.

newmumsuchfun · 30/08/2013 15:11

Can't really offer much advice as never been in this situation - but just wanted to comment that last night on ITV1 the news special was about absent fathers and the effect on the children - just crossed my mind that if he has text today out of the blue he might have been watching that.

It must be really awful for you. I am a new mum and if my other half treated me like that I would feel the same as you - but as a new mum with not much to do I have watched enough supernanny and, unfortunately, Jeremy Kyle - to know that whatever the best is for the children you should do. I hope it all goes well for you.

Inertia · 30/08/2013 15:13

I'd send a message back saying how pleased you all are that he's decided to face up to his parenting responsibilities; thirteen years of back-maintenance will be a great help in providing for his children's future after the struggles they've had.

Pachacuti · 30/08/2013 15:15

If he's a grade A tosser then your kids are likely to be able to see that. They're not stupid; they know what you've done for them over the last 13 years vs. what he's done for them. And it doesn't mean that your DH isn't their dad. But they may be curious about their biological father and want to meet him (equally, they may not, or they may want to meet him but not have an ongoing relationship).

In your place I'd reply to the effect of "At their age it's really a decision for them rather than me. I'll pass on the message."

urtwistingmymelonman · 30/08/2013 15:17

maybe he really is remorseful and realises what a penis he has been but this smacks of someone who has avoided the nappy days and now wants the happy days.
however,at 16 and 14 it really isn't your choice anymore.
ask the children what they would like to do but just make them aware that there is every possibility they may eventually be let down.
they are old enough to know the facts.

rainbowfeet · 30/08/2013 15:20

Bloody annoying!!.. I am a line parent so I understand your annoyance..

He is taking the piss, to think he can waltz in to his children's lives now because it suits him & probably easier to handle than when they were younger..

As tempting as it is to tell him to 'do one', I have always once the anger has subsided had the thought that I need to be the bigger person & know that in years to come my conscience is clear & the children know I did what was best for them & put my own feelings aside. (Not saying its easy)

So yes, it is up to them, they may just want to get what they can out of him! Luckily they are old enough to understand that you are only reluctant incase they get hurt & they shouldn't rely on it being a regular thing. He might not be willing to put in the work to build a relationship but you & their step dad will be behind them all the way.

I would make it clear to ex that it is his one & only chance as far as you're concerned, if he fucks up then you will have no part in any further meetings/communication.

Good luck

rainbowfeet · 30/08/2013 15:21

Lone parent that meant to say

Original poster

rainsofcastersugar · 30/08/2013 16:48

Thanks all for your replies. I will tell them tonight and see what they want to do. I am so gutted and so upset that he thinks he can just walk back into our lives.

OP posts:

SaskiaRembrandtVampireHunter · 30/08/2013 17:00

I've been in this situation, you are doing the right thing. I posted here because it made me so upset and angry to think my exH could just waltz back into my DS' lives, but it was their choice to make. They did go to see him a few times, but once they got to know him better they weren't terribly impressed with him.

Flip