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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About my name and ILs

69 replies

PukousMucous · 29/08/2013 17:02

I wonder if I'm being over sensitive about.

When I got married I didn't change my name, I discussed it with DH and agreed that I would if he would but he wouldn't so neither of us did. Both of us very happy with this arrangement. I discussed it with my in-laws, not to ask permission but just to let them know which I thought was courteous. Their response was what it is to everything "doesn't bother us."

I agreed with DH that DCs would have his name and in-laws duly informed.

Now, three years on they persist in referring to me using my husbands surname. I feel less aggrieved when they address things to both my husband and I as Mr and Mrs DHs surname. But when they send me a birthday card it is addressed to pukous DHs surname. They have never referred to me by my actual name the whole time I've been married.

Reading this back it's a bit of a first world problem but just wondered if I was being a bit U to be pissed off by this.

OP posts:

specialsubject · 29/08/2013 17:05

some things you'll never change. It was my 21st wedding anniversary the other day and the cards still arrived addressed to Mr and Mrs Hisname.

but they sent me cards which was most thoughtful. I know what my name is, use it in real life and am on first name terms with all the rellies so it doesn't matter!

pick your battles. Just introduce yourself by the name you want.

summertimeandthelivingiseasy · 29/08/2013 17:06

My grandmother used to do that.

But she died 10 years ago at the age of 90.

Definitely U if there are no bank notes in the card........

elfycat · 29/08/2013 17:07

I have this with my PIL. I've used the 'ignore, ignore,, ignore rant a bit at DH' method to good effect.

I did however return the cheque written to 'S. MrElfycat', 8 years after the wedding, as it's not my name, nor the name on my bank account. We now deal in cash.

I figure they're a) ignorant, b) stupid, c) combination of both or d) fucking ignorant and stupid, but they've got past retirement age and you can't teach old dogs and all that...

Youhaventseenme · 29/08/2013 17:08

That would drive me mental.

The first three letters of my maiden name are the same as the first three of my married name, my snidey SIL said very loudly at a family dinner oh look Youhavent has kept the last two letters of her her maiden name and taken the first three of Bro's.

Wine taken: I replied, eh no I haven't, I have never felt the need to be defined by a man.

It went down like a fart in a spacemans suit.

Youhaventseenme · 29/08/2013 17:10

Oh and meant to say 21 years later, I am still using my maiden name I only changed it at the GP's because the receptionists seemed unable to compute two different names for DS and I.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 29/08/2013 17:12

"my snidey SIL said very loudly at a family dinner oh look Youhavent has kept the last two letters of her her maiden name and taken the first three of Bro's."

That's pretty funny.

I can't believe you replied to it the way you did. She must have been

NotYoMomma · 29/08/2013 17:13

have you actually brought it up and reminded them?

Original poster

PukousMucous · 29/08/2013 17:17

DH is convinced they are joking and would be really upset if I bought it up directly but I have had conversations about how people get confused with DS and I having different names etc.

I think pick your battles is the best advice really. Will prob not say anything in reality cos I'm not sure it's worth it but it does drive me a bit bonkers.

OP posts:

BrokenSunglasses · 29/08/2013 17:17

YANBU to be mildly irritated by it, but it really is just a minor irritation and you should let it go. It's really not worth causing any bad feeling over.

SoupDragon · 29/08/2013 17:20

Address all their post as Mr & Mrs MILsMaidenName

Youhaventseenme · 29/08/2013 17:23

When my sister wants to wind me up, she addresses her envelopes to me, as Mrs malename Dh's surname.

RegTheMonkey · 29/08/2013 17:44

I kept my own name - tax, bank, passport, the lot. ILs not happy. They refuse to address anything to me in my own name. They get round it by just putting 'Reg' on the envelope and then the address. They won't write 'Reg Monkey'. When it's a joint thing, like a Christmas card, then they write 'Husband and Reg' and then the address. I couldn't give a flying one what they think.

waltzingmathilda · 29/08/2013 17:50

Look, this sort of thread arrives almost daily.

It is polite social etiquette to address correspondence to Mr and Mrs Jim Smith - think about Mrs Michael Tindall - you do know her under a far more known name - but nonetheless that is who she is socially.

Professionally and individually is a different matter.

To put it in a wider perspective - I would expect a Christmas card to Mr and Mrs Jim Smith, I would expect my own birthday card to Ms Jane Brown.

Of course there will be the usual backlash of people who dislike anything remotely to do with etiquette. That is your choice of course, but don't try and dumb the rest of us down to that level.

luxemburgerli · 29/08/2013 17:51

I have a feeling that I would have this problem with my ILs, but we moved to Switzerland and if the post is addressed to someone not registered as living here it gets sent back by the post office

Mr DHname is fine
Mrs Myname is fine

Mr Myname = not at this address
Mrs DHname = not at this address

Perfect!

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 29/08/2013 18:05

Yanbu
And waltzing - sure its etiquette but it's massively outdated and also offensive.

Vintagebeads · 29/08/2013 18:08

my inlaws did this untill we had DC who have both our names same as myself.My dd corrects them and said really nanny why cant you remember our names Its shamed her to stop

Jan49 · 29/08/2013 19:04

I kept my own surname but my ILS addressed all cards to us as "Mr A Smith and Jan" or just "Jan". They claimed this was because they couldn't remember how to spell my surname (for over 20 years). After we split up, they continued to send birthday cards and Xmas cards to me for a few years and for the first time they found they were in fact able to spell my surname without me asking or mentioning it.

Waltzingmathilda, sorry, I'd call you by your husband's name but I don't know it. What a ridiculous idea. It used to be etiquette to refer to a woman by her h's name. Used to be. I just looked up Mike Tindall as it sounded like we were supposed to know who this person is and who his wife is. Are you a member of the royal family?????????? Do you honestly think it's "dumbing down" to refer to a woman by her own name rather than her h's name?

SoupDragon · 29/08/2013 19:11

Insinuating that a woman who has chosen to change her name is a possession or subordinate to her husband is offensive.

FryOneFatManic · 29/08/2013 19:12

No, proper etiquette is to use the name used by the woman. If she does not and has not used her husband's name then you don't address her by it.

everlong · 29/08/2013 19:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TalkativeJim · 29/08/2013 19:22

I would start a rumour that seeing as it seems that your name is getting marginalised within the family, you're thinking of changing your DS's surname to yours, or at least double barrelling - or, that any future DC will have your surname.

I predict that bringing that up over the Sunday dinner table will result in a positive BLIZZARD of correctly addressed cards

You could push it one further and get your DH to tell them, sorrowfully, that you had no idea that your wish to keep your name would be so ignored, and that it's more important to you than you thought. Though it would never have occurred to you to ask, had you not had to endure being called a name not your own, you have suggested that the family change its name to yours... which he is perfectly happy with.

Mwaaaaahhh (although I would actually have gone ballistic before now and changed DC to my name JUST TO AVOID HAVING TO STAB THEM TO DEADNESS)

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 29/08/2013 19:23

No, proper etiquette is to use the name used by the woman. If she does not and has not used her husband's name then you don't address her by it.

Exactly. Deliberately calling someone a name they do not use is not "etiquette" it is appallingly rude. And cringingly passive-aggressive.

Unfortunately OP there's nothing you can do really. My parents have been happily married for over 30 years and mum still gets people calling her a name she has never used. I get this from DHs aunt.

It reflects poorly on them. You just have to roll your eyes. They are making themselves look like idiots.

Pachacuti · 29/08/2013 19:28

It is polite social etiquette to address correspondence to Mr and Mrs Jim Smith

No, it isn't. It is arguably (but it would still be one heck of an argument) "polite social etiquette" to do that if you have never met Jim's wife, don't know whether she has taken his surname and/or have no idea of her preferences. If you do know someone's preferred form of address then it's "polite social etiquette" to use it. And if Jane Brown's name is Jane Brown and she has never changed it to involve the name Smith in any shape or form she isn't legally or socially "Mrs Smith" or "Mrs Jim Smith". It's not compulsory to change names on marriage in this country.

If anything involves "dumbing down" it's a failure to grasp those fairly simple points.

Pachacuti · 29/08/2013 19:29

(As an aside, I notice that you appear to be perfectly happy with James Smith's decision to be known as Jim, but regard Jane Brown's decision to be known as Jane Brown as a breach of social etiquette and/or dumbing down)

FondantNancy · 29/08/2013 19:30

"Deliberately calling someone a name they do not use is not "etiquette" it is appallingly rude. And cringingly passive-aggressive."

This. Etiquette is about making others comfortable, no? Not about point scoring by showing that you 'know better'.

I get this too, but only from very elderly relatives of DH's. I'm willing to let it slide. ILs on the other hand should know better.

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