To advise you all to NEVER get tied into going somewhere every week. Forever.

[Compromisingannie]

Nc for this.

Since my ds was born, nearly 4 years ago, he has gone to my PIL every single Sunday. Even when he was tiny and I was feeding I used to express for him and off dh would go for his allotted five hours.
There is no flexibility in this arrangement, the only Sundays missed have been if we are away. My family has to arrange any special meals ( for example my gran's 95th birthday) for a Saturday. It drives me MAD and many times I have asked dh to man up and speak to them about it. And to be honest he never has so it's as much his fault as theirs. But even he is getting a bit fed up of it now.

Next Sunday there is a special event on at our museum, with a battle reenactment and knights and jousting. Ds would love it. I told dh I was taking him to which he said "that won't go down well with PIL". I offered the following options

1. I will take ds to knight thing early and dh can take him to PIL a little later than usual. Apparently not acceptable as they will miss out on allotted time.
2. he takes ds before we go and comes back early and we will go to knight thing in afternoon. Not acceptable,see above.
3. PIL can come with us to knight thing. Not acceptable as FIL likes to have home cooked Sunday lunch.
4. I will take ds over sometime in the week. Not acceptable as the days I can do (three out of five) they can't.

The upshot is I am taking ds to the museum and they are cross.
I have told dh they'd better get used to it because when ds starts school there will be parties and play dates and he's not going every single Sunday for ever and ever.

I've put up with it until now but I think it's time to put my foot down. I completely understand they love ds and want to see him but they only live ten miles away and yet they never come here. We always have to go there. Usually I don't go actually, just dh and ds. I think once a fortnight is better once ds is at school. They could maybe pop over one evening in between if they want to see him. Aibu? I'm fed up with never being able to plan anything on a Sunday!

Of course y

I had to read it twice as I thought we were talking Ex DH for a minute.

1. Tough shit Im going !

Time to put your foot down and get your DH to back you up.
I cant believe this has being going on for 4 years and you cant do anything else on a Sunday.

I'd start by saying

dear mil we'd like to have Sunday lunch in our own home now , would you like to join us?

If they say no say breezily 'oh well never mind how about a cuppa Saturday afternoon'

Don't get into a debate

Your Dh sounds a pushover tbh

Or maybe he likes a home cooked Sunday roast & putting his feet up at his mums

Saves him doing anything with ds I bet !

Oops posted too soon.
Of course your DS would love to go to the knights thing. So by insisting that he come to them, they are prioritising their needs over his. FIL's need for a cooked lunch is more important?? What selfish people.

Good for you OP! I think it's time the routine was changed.

Tell PIL that it won't be assumed your DS will go over, sometimes he will, sometimes he won't.

Sometimes if they want to see him, they may have to come to you, but that it's not working for you as a family.

DH backs you up, or can move back home.

No mil cooks it! Of course. And waits on the menfolk.

I got fed up with going because basically I got ignored. Twice I went and she hasn't made any lunch for me and didn't offer me anything. She used to also call herself 'mummy' but I nipped it in the bud. Although who knows what she says when I'm not there! Ds is older now though so wouldn't accept her calling herself mummy.
I didn't feel massively welcome. Our relationship changed when I had ds, in that mil wanted the baby all the time. She ignores dh too, it's not just me!
So I don't go very often. Plus I don't want to go every single Sunday myself, I have other things to do!

Did you ask DS what he wants to do?

Yes. I think dh watches the football and lies on the sofa and mil entertains ds. It suits dh quite well in that respect!

FIL can have home cooked lunch on a Saturday instead. Then they can come out with you all on the Sunday.

The whole thing is ridiculous and as cant says it sounds like court ordered contact time (or prison visiting). DH needs to put his family first and stand up to his parents.

I can't believe you have put up with this for so long.

Twice I went and she hasn't made any lunch for me and didn't offer me anything.

What did you do? Sit around & watch them eat a roast?
Didn't fil or Dh say anything?

What a wierd set up!

Ds quite often doesn't want to go tbh, even though he likes them. Which he does. He says it's boring. I think probably because it's the same every single week. They don't go anywhere, even for a walk. It's probably a bit dull now he's older. And he's very energetic.

I think you have been more than understanding putting up with this arrangement for so long Comp. I think now is a good time to start knocking it on the head. I would make a few more Sunday arrangements if I were you.

at 'mummy'.

12-5, this includes Sunday lunch I assume?

How set in their ways they are and your dh to a degree.

Bite the bullet and ignore any sad faces that they'll pull.

Good luck!

massive xpost .

Well to be honest once DS does start school and making friends he will most likely want to change the arrangement anyway. He will not want to miss out on parties, playdates etc. Your inlaws need to start thinking about what is best for him not them.

Oh my god!

Well if dh likes it he can still go.

This is my biggest nightmare, someone thinking they own certain times of my/my child's week. YANBU at all and you should put a stop to this arrangement asap, not just when you want to do something else. Even if its just inviting them to your house on a Sunday instead so they get used to it not always being on their terms.

Is your ds the only grand child?

No there are six others but they are all older. Ds is the youngest by about 13 years!

YANBU but seriously, tell them yourself that it is now changing. Like you said, when he starts school a day out of 2 is a lot to have blocked out for granny time

I would actually have a problem with my children going somewhere every week where I was conspicuously unwelcome.

I would also have a problem with my DH effectively condoning it.

Twice I went and she hasn't made any lunch for me and didn't offer me anything And your DH didn't say anything?

That would have been the last visit for any of us if she'd done that to me.

Allotted time????!!!!???

Does your MIL think she owns timeshares in your DC? I've never heard anything so bonkers!

I've had dire issues with my exH inflexibility regarding DD - but he's never been that bad!

I'd have knocked it on the head years ago - go for it OP, take back your Sundays!

The only way in which you have been U is in putting up with this for FOUR YEARS!!!! Absolutely ridiculous having to arrange the rest of your life around this untenable arrangement.