To advise you all to NEVER get tied into going somewhere every week. Forever.

[Compromisingannie]

Nc for this.

Since my ds was born, nearly 4 years ago, he has gone to my PIL every single Sunday. Even when he was tiny and I was feeding I used to express for him and off dh would go for his allotted five hours.
There is no flexibility in this arrangement, the only Sundays missed have been if we are away. My family has to arrange any special meals ( for example my gran's 95th birthday) for a Saturday. It drives me MAD and many times I have asked dh to man up and speak to them about it. And to be honest he never has so it's as much his fault as theirs. But even he is getting a bit fed up of it now.

Next Sunday there is a special event on at our museum, with a battle reenactment and knights and jousting. Ds would love it. I told dh I was taking him to which he said "that won't go down well with PIL". I offered the following options

1. I will take ds to knight thing early and dh can take him to PIL a little later than usual. Apparently not acceptable as they will miss out on allotted time.
2. he takes ds before we go and comes back early and we will go to knight thing in afternoon. Not acceptable,see above.
3. PIL can come with us to knight thing. Not acceptable as FIL likes to have home cooked Sunday lunch.
4. I will take ds over sometime in the week. Not acceptable as the days I can do (three out of five) they can't.

The upshot is I am taking ds to the museum and they are cross.
I have told dh they'd better get used to it because when ds starts school there will be parties and play dates and he's not going every single Sunday for ever and ever.

I've put up with it until now but I think it's time to put my foot down. I completely understand they love ds and want to see him but they only live ten miles away and yet they never come here. We always have to go there. Usually I don't go actually, just dh and ds. I think once a fortnight is better once ds is at school. They could maybe pop over one evening in between if they want to see him. Aibu? I'm fed up with never being able to plan anything on a Sunday!

They sound...interesting.

You're right to put your foot down and take ds to the museum. Dh takes the dds to visit pils every Sunday morning, but if there's something else going on they're perfectly fine about missing a week. Because they are reasonable human beings.

I'm curious about her not making you any lunch, did they sit around the table while you were left out ?

What did dh say or do?

I just fundamentally don't understand these sorts of relationship, I really don't. Because it would just never happen to me, I would never have allowed it in the first place. Nonetheless, in terms of strategies, I would take the bright and breezy, fait acompli route. Pleasant and polite at all times, but absolutely no debate whatsoever - you have decided what you have decided and it is up to them to accept it with good grace or not, but whatever games they choose to play it is simply not your problem. Let their histrionics, if there are any, wash right over. But I agree with a previous poster. The problem here is not your in laws, it's well and truly your dh, sorry.

Oh and I'm with Nanny Ogg. It sounds like they were unacceptably rude to you when you did go over, which just adds to he ridiculousness of it all.

My SIL put up with this malarkey from the Pils until her DCs were teenagers.

Her family had to do a duty visit every Sunday. Mil only ever went to their house twice in 14 years, despite many invites, even though it was only 6 miles away and she drives. I asked Mil why and she said "I don't like their house" .

Luckily we live 100s of miles away!

Now, the GDCs hardly ever visit the Pils, and SIl and Bil only pay flying visits. Pils complain "nobody tells us anything".

Very unhealthy set up you have there.
She has told you you're unwelcome, and you've all gone along with it.
They never come to see you or allow you to visit at other times because it's inconvenient?

I've only really just woken up to the fact that my MIL limits my presence within the family - annoyingly it's become clear that she possibly doesn't think she is doing it, so it's going to be hard to deal with.

Your MIL seems totally up front about it!

Your DH is the key, isn't he?

I wonder if mil still makes ds call her mummy as you aren't there? I'm another kid forced to visit dull grandparents. I never see them now.

Compromising we had this exact problem for a while ANSI rarely go with DH and the kids but I stopped it a while ago and basically would just make a plan and say "oh not this weekend". I also know that they prefer to have the DC on certain days when a religious teacher comes round - once in a while I send them but all on my terms now, but it has taken 7 years and three DC to get here.

Obviously you are going to the Knights (is this anywhere near London as we would love it), but I would be inclined to bide your time a little till Sept and school and start having plans. For a while we had swimming lessons every week.

I do agree that sonething should be said, but failing that the above could work.

I would imagine when DS was a baby it was very nice for Comp to have a lovely 5 hours on a Sunday baby free. But that was 4 years ago.

They are being very controlling and selfish. Surely if they love and care for your DS they'd want him to be doing something he enjoys rather than missing out on a great experience just to sit at their house? I would really try and make some firm arrangements for a few Sundays in the next few months that don't involve going to the inlaws house and break the habit, so it becomes a nice thing to do now and then rather than set in stone. Your DH is being weak, but he's probably been controlled by them his entire life, so hard habit to break.

Oh my WORD. YA so NBU. I cant believe it!

Have only read OPs posts -

I can only say i am amazed you have put up with this for 4 years! I was in pretty much this exact situation when i had DD1 with my XH. It lasted apx 8 or 9 weeks before i realised it was just not doable and i was setting myself up for a big problem.

I'm not having a go at you OP - i empathise completely. In my situation i just started to arrange other things on a Sunday sometimes and DH didn't push to go to his mums, so it was easier for me.

You are well within your rights to lessen the visits. As you say your sons little social life will be taking off soon anyway.

Your DH needs to sort this out. And stick to your guns about Sunday's outing.

Yabu to put up with this for 4 years! I'd be putting a stop to it, personally.

go to the jousting and enjoy.
switch off your phone during that time and plan your next outings for the coming sundays.

I mean this in the nicest way possible, but I'm finding it really difficult to have any sympathy for you because the whole situation is just so ridiculous!

Your husband sounds utterly pathetic. How do you stay with someone who allows their Mother to treat you like shit and all in front of your son

I bet DH is round there calling her 'mummy' too..

I actually didn't really want ds to go when he was tiny, I used to go to fairly often because I didn't want to be away from him.
I don't mind him going some weeks but I don't want it to be like a LAW.

When we went round I assumed she had cooked for us all and tbh when I found she hadn't made lunch for me I was so stunned I couldn't quite believe it. She said something about me not eating much so she hasn't bothered. Dh asked if I wanted some of his but said nothing to her.
The trouble is when you live with this kind of madness for so long you start to wonder if it's normal and in fact you are the odd one!

Before ds we got on better. I feel very much that it's because she is envious of my relationship with ds. My dh was also always her favourite and I'm not sure she was very pleased when he got married.

I think last sunday should be the last time this happens .

Jousting tomorrow , and something else the next Sunday , and something else the Sunday after .

My MIL is a pain , but nowhere near as bad as that .

Not making lunch for you is so rude .

YANBU at all

She's jealous, breathtakingly rude and clearly a bit odd.

Stand firm and your dh is a Wuss to have ignored his Mother's snub to you regarding lunch, what a cow she is.

I wouldn't reutrn (or send my child) to someone's house who cooked for everyone else and not me. I'd also require my H to MTFU and sort it out. Or I would. Not a chance.

In my experience, the not leaving the house is an older person't thing-my Gran did it to my parents so we all had to troop up there to visit. My brother has said recently that now my mother has started doing it to them, despite only living two miles away. I brought this to my mother's attention and it was denied.

It all needs to be stopped soon as, IMHO.

Sorry to harp on about this, but I just can't believe it... The not making you lunch thing, did you say she did it TWICE? What happened the second time? Your dh sounds a little spineless and that's putting it nicely...

Actually I don't think you should go down the "tough" route because they will turn it all onto you .
"Comp stopped us seeing DGS- she is so unreasonable blah blah"

I would stop offering them so many compromises- they will never be happy so why bother.
Do you want to come to us/go for a walk/have lunch out ? no? ok then.
No pandering.

This is such a weird set up. How on earth did it start and why has it continued for so long? I can't believe everyone is dancing to this awful couple's tune - even your own extended family rearranging a 95th birhtday to suit them. And it isn't as if they are even a little bit nice - I can believe they had no lunch for you. Even if they hadn't expected you, they could have spread what they had to include you.

I do think that now is an ideal time to put a stop to this expectation. Things like this special event that your DS will enjoy now he is older (he must be bored stiff staying with this couple) are a good opportunity to break this cycle. Just tell them you are going - surely they want their grandson to do things he will enjoy! I would be on the lookout for a few more of these sorts of events. You and your DH will have to be strong and put your foot down.

The more I read the more upset I become.
I really feel for you. It's easy to think that "I wouldn't allow this to happen to me" but controlling practices are insidious.
YANBU, obviously.
Your dh has facilities this situation IMHO because it suits him to sit on his arse being waited on by his DM. The whole thing is spooky tbh.
This might be the perfect time to make a change and take back some control. I agree with other posters that debate isn't required. Think about what you want to happen and politely tell them. Their being "cross" is a tool to attempt to control you. Here you have the chance to practice your defence against it. Stay calm, stand firm.
Yadddddnbu!

I don't know anybody anywhere with your arrangement. Sounds totally inflexible. You need to push forward and make changes. The child is yours and DH's. But it is particularly you that needs to assert yourself. Any arrangements should fit round your life. Don't expect DH to be assertive

It would be easier if it were a week day but it must eat into your weekend plans hugely. It is all in their terms right now. 100%

You could email them monthly outlining politely which weekends you are busy and giving them a mid week option possibly instead. If they cant be flexible, then say 'no worries theres always the following week possibly' Maybe mention that there will be parties in the future that your child will attend.

Alternatively tell them you have decided to do more as a family at weekends and so you need to totally rearrange things. You are able to do x and x mid week.

What are the reasons they are busy midweek? Is it for work/ other commitments. Are they forcing the date to be at the weekend by being inflexible?

YA so NBU! They sound like weirdos. Your DH needs to grow a pair and back you up!

Nope YANBU.

Like others on here, my DH takes the DC to my MIL (20 miles away, doesnt drive) every Saturday and has done since he was a dot. But if there is a party or something they don't go, go later or go Sunday.

I'm sure it hasn't once in 6 years occurred to DH that he couldn't change the plan, nor to MIL that occasionally the plan won't change.