To advise you all to NEVER get tied into going somewhere every week. Forever.

[Compromisingannie]

Nc for this.

Since my ds was born, nearly 4 years ago, he has gone to my PIL every single Sunday. Even when he was tiny and I was feeding I used to express for him and off dh would go for his allotted five hours.
There is no flexibility in this arrangement, the only Sundays missed have been if we are away. My family has to arrange any special meals ( for example my gran's 95th birthday) for a Saturday. It drives me MAD and many times I have asked dh to man up and speak to them about it. And to be honest he never has so it's as much his fault as theirs. But even he is getting a bit fed up of it now.

Next Sunday there is a special event on at our museum, with a battle reenactment and knights and jousting. Ds would love it. I told dh I was taking him to which he said "that won't go down well with PIL". I offered the following options

1. I will take ds to knight thing early and dh can take him to PIL a little later than usual. Apparently not acceptable as they will miss out on allotted time.
2. he takes ds before we go and comes back early and we will go to knight thing in afternoon. Not acceptable,see above.
3. PIL can come with us to knight thing. Not acceptable as FIL likes to have home cooked Sunday lunch.
4. I will take ds over sometime in the week. Not acceptable as the days I can do (three out of five) they can't.

The upshot is I am taking ds to the museum and they are cross.
I have told dh they'd better get used to it because when ds starts school there will be parties and play dates and he's not going every single Sunday for ever and ever.

I've put up with it until now but I think it's time to put my foot down. I completely understand they love ds and want to see him but they only live ten miles away and yet they never come here. We always have to go there. Usually I don't go actually, just dh and ds. I think once a fortnight is better once ds is at school. They could maybe pop over one evening in between if they want to see him. Aibu? I'm fed up with never being able to plan anything on a Sunday!

Yes, indeed SDT - some of us are giving advice borne of long [weary sigh emoticon] experience of similar situations.

It is so easy to get sucked in accidentally, especially if you are of the sort of family who don't discuss things in the open, but try to pretend that everything is hunky-dory. Families don't argue, blah de blah. Resentments creep in, it all festers and then there is an almighty big bust up.

Got a situation now, where some family members are embroiled in this way, with the usual tears and tantrums. We are keeping out of it this time!!

well done op for challenging this ridiculous regime that you all now need to change for dss sake.

And this is why I never expressed my milk even when I was given a pump as a gift. My DSIL asked me the other day when would she have my DS (10 months old) overnight (I had her DD, she is 11 yo, overnight). I said when he is 15 yo.

Just say no.

The situation has gone on for four years! I think it is bizarre that in all that time the op couldn't have changed the situation sooner.

Then Journey, I hope that you never need to experience it. Believe me, I was shocked when I saw this behaviour in action.

The choice for us was to be the perpetual black sheep, because we didn't go along with it.

OP, as you say this isn't going to work when your DS goes to school (this year? next year?) as there will be birthday parties, school events and other activities at weekends (and if there aren't ,why not book him in for some!). Also, it is fairly likely that your DS will start complaining at some point.

Clearly your DH and his Parents are being unreasonable.

However, the thing you need to come to terms with is that although you can and should put your foot down, you cannot force your PIL or your DH to accept the situation gracefully. It is possible that they will decide to be complete arses, and there is nothing you can do about this.

Having said that, it should blow over if you handle it calmly and assertively. (And if it doesn't then really your problems are bigger than just Sundays).

I think it is bizarre that, despite all the anecdotes and memories on this thread, you still think that the OP's situation has a simple and easy solution, Journey.

Whilst arguably the OP should have tackled this sooner, we can't re-write history and it's good that she now wants to sort things out.

Anything like this, which is set in stone, will come back to bite you on the bum eventually. Life rarely remains constant.

I hope she continues with her intent to reclaim her Sundays and isn't cowed by her husband.

It's easy to tell someone online how to do it their way

I've a nice mil, god knows how stressful life would be if I had a tyrant in her place.

Take care OP.

OP's MIL probably doesn't even realise that her behaviour is tyrannical - she could easily think that she is the voice of reason.

My MIL has been quite shocked to find out that we think she has been unreasonable over the last 3 years this summer. The one point in her favour is that we waited so long to tell her (cheers dh!).

Things need to be nipped in the bud early doors.

Yes since she has been doing it for four years with no complaints from anyone, the MIL probably thinks she is doing them a favour and will only do it on her terms.

The only adult unhappy with the situation is OP, so it is up to her to do something about it. However, that does not mean it will be easy for her.

OP's husband was getting fed up with it, but possibly the hysterics from Mother/MIL that will ensue are worse that OPs reaction, so he goes along with the status quo. If MIL is the sort who will make herself physically ill, then being told that he is responsible for her stroke/heart attack/whatever, is even more likely to make him not want to rock the boat.

Sorry for delayed reply, have been really busy this week!

We had a great time on Sunday, although apparently PIL are still most put out.

I spoke with dh about this arrangement and thought I'd got my message home, however apparently not as yesterday he said that we could maybe go away for a few days over the bank holiday weekend as PIL are also away so he won't have to go over. Gah. I said it doesn't matter if they are away or not if we want to go away then we can.

I've also tried to drum home the fact I'm not prepared for ds to go every single Sunday once he's started school. Dh has suggested I go with them if I'm not happy to lose ds every Sunday. I have said I will go sometimes but irrespective of this ds is not going ever single week. Dh never went to see his grandparents every week. Nor did I. So I don't see why ds has to.

I think I will have to speak with mil about it myself.

Well done for standing your ground.

How did dh react when you reiterated that the every single Sunday trip to Nanny's was over?

He says they're old and it's nice for them to have something to look forward to (ds going every Sunday). Tbf I could say the same about my own parents who have NO other grandchildren or children!

And it's ridiculous - his dad plays golf twice a week, they go out to the social club Friday and Saturday nights, his mum goes off shopping with her friends twice a week and out for lunches when they feel like it. They're hardly at death's door with nothing else in their lives. If they were ill and housebound then maybe!

Even if they were house bound, meh, it isn't your ds's job to be the entertainment for them.

I hope your H doesn't try to bully and manipulate you and ds in order to keep his parents sweet, be prepared for it.

I would advise begging, borrowing or stealing things to do on a Sunday and plan them in for a long row of say 6 out of 8 Sundays over the next few weeks. Once a new habit is established it will be harder to go back to this ridiculous arrangement. I think you need to blitz it for a bit though.

No this is true.
I suppose I'd have a little more understanding and sympathy if they were. But they're not! They're fine and active and well. So it annoys me that dh does this whole 'they're old and it's the only in their lives' routine because it is rubbish!

I get blackmailed every Christmas because every Christmas I want to stay home the three of us, particularly now ds wants to play with his new toys not go out all day and every year dh says "but it could be my dad's last Christmas" Every year! And FIL isn't unwell, ok he's not young but he could have another twenty years!

Well ds can go this Sunday coming, then they're away the following one so we've got special dispensation to go on holiday then they can see him the following owe and the he starts school the week after that so he can stay at home that Sunday. I'm going to aim for every other week I think. And for less time. So either dh can take him a bit later, or bring him home a bit earlier. Maybe take him later because I know in my heart he won't bring him back earlier. Sometimes I know he has tried to come away earlier but mil tends to suddenly remember something she needs help with or on one occasion she couldn't find her car keys and her car was blocking dh in. The cynical part of me suspects she knew exactly where her keys were. So dh never ends up leaving any earlier.

Well it could be anybody's last Christmas, couldn't it.

Be brave and start as you mean to go on and don't bend to their will.

Yes, it could well be dh's last Christmas if he doesn't get a grip and man up.
In fact he might not even make it to Christmas.

Give him this choice: Either he has Christmas at home with you and your child or he goes to his parents - alone.

Tell him you will do grandparent visits on Boxing Day (as is traditional).

In two or three years it'll be your DS asking to play out with his friends or go to birthday parties during this sacred 5 hour period. He has to be able to develop his own social life, not be tied into this arrangement where he's wheeled out like some sort of preforming monkey because Granny and Grandad can't be arsed getting in the car and driving to his house.

Could you extend the cold dead arm of friendship and ask them round for tea one week, in addition to the Sunday visit? Do this a few times and then bam, "sorry, can't do this Sunday". And they can't complain because you've already seen them that week.

If they start spouting shit about their "routine", calmly tell them that your five year old also has a new routine and if they can't fit into it, well, that's very sad.....

this is how christmas should be with regard to extended families:
Christmas Day, you, as in wife, husband and child/ren, at home being a family.
boxing day/27th: visiting grandparents.

you can alternate between his and yours for the 2 days after christmas, but the rule is plain, clear and simple - if grandparents want to see children on Christmas Day, they have to come to you.
and only for tea, and make their own way home.

no arguments, no budging.