To advise you all to NEVER get tied into going somewhere every week. Forever.

[Compromisingannie]

Nc for this.

Since my ds was born, nearly 4 years ago, he has gone to my PIL every single Sunday. Even when he was tiny and I was feeding I used to express for him and off dh would go for his allotted five hours.
There is no flexibility in this arrangement, the only Sundays missed have been if we are away. My family has to arrange any special meals ( for example my gran's 95th birthday) for a Saturday. It drives me MAD and many times I have asked dh to man up and speak to them about it. And to be honest he never has so it's as much his fault as theirs. But even he is getting a bit fed up of it now.

Next Sunday there is a special event on at our museum, with a battle reenactment and knights and jousting. Ds would love it. I told dh I was taking him to which he said "that won't go down well with PIL". I offered the following options

1. I will take ds to knight thing early and dh can take him to PIL a little later than usual. Apparently not acceptable as they will miss out on allotted time.
2. he takes ds before we go and comes back early and we will go to knight thing in afternoon. Not acceptable,see above.
3. PIL can come with us to knight thing. Not acceptable as FIL likes to have home cooked Sunday lunch.
4. I will take ds over sometime in the week. Not acceptable as the days I can do (three out of five) they can't.

The upshot is I am taking ds to the museum and they are cross.
I have told dh they'd better get used to it because when ds starts school there will be parties and play dates and he's not going every single Sunday for ever and ever.

I've put up with it until now but I think it's time to put my foot down. I completely understand they love ds and want to see him but they only live ten miles away and yet they never come here. We always have to go there. Usually I don't go actually, just dh and ds. I think once a fortnight is better once ds is at school. They could maybe pop over one evening in between if they want to see him. Aibu? I'm fed up with never being able to plan anything on a Sunday!

I have laid down a xmas morning at home just us rule over the last two years. Lovely!

annie - yes the going later is the one you can control. Maybe you can suddenly lose your car keys every Sunday at 11am :)

I find it sad that no-one in the family is even massively benefitting from these Sunday visits. DH and DS see GP'S and eat lunch. DH lounges on sofa and doesn't play with DS, GP'S ignore DH, OP when she goes is ignored and gets no lunch, They are all bored to varying degrees, and miss out on doing fun stuff together due to the length of the visits. It's as if all their lives are on hold every week.

I wonder what all the other grandchildren and their parents do on Sundays, and how often they are expected to see their GP'S, also how long their visits are! And how often the GP'S go to their homes. This would be a good benchmark to demonstrate how unreasonable they are being if yours is the only family who has to stick to the every week routine.

I hope the OP'S DH understands how much he could risk his marriage if the situation continues.

YY - it would make so much more sense if they had things planned for after dinner!

Out of curiosity how old are these grandparents? 70s? 80s?

I'm so pleased that you went to the museum event and your DS really enjoyed it. I was following this thread on Sunday and worried that you would be talked out of it, so I was relieved to read your update.

This situation is far more about control on your MiL's part than a poor old couple with very little to look forward to. If it wasn't about control, they would have been happy to have accepted compromises 1, 2 or 3 from the opening post. Even if they had been disappointed not to get a visit, a normal couple would not have been annoyed if they knew their little grandson was doing something so enjoyable.

These Grandparents need to realise they are just that. Grandparents. If you are the Grandparent (and I am one) you have to remember that there is another set of Grandparents (and another whole family) with just as much right to see the Grandchildren as you. You also have to remember that your DCs will actually want to do things with just their family unit and that if you monopolise part of their lives you will be building up resentment (as the OP has shown).
We had a real problem with my DM dictating certain things to us. In the end my DH told her she couldn't do it any more. She pretty quickly realised that if she wanted to see DS she would have to stop interfering. It was tricky at the time, but it worked and she has a good relationship with DS who really loves her.

Not every other weekend. That will become the new rigid arrangement. Make it adhoc.

Totally agree Nameless, ad hoc is the way to go. I wouldn't want my dc somewhere that I am clearly unwelcome. I too am a GP and I think they sound barmy.

As others have said - why should you care if the PILs are cross? They don't seem to give a tiny rat's arse about how you feel.

Don't make it every other weekend. They obviously want a routine, so they will grumble, but accept this arrangement as law again and you will still have the same problem down the line.

I would say Sunday lunch there (and you join them and stipulate you must be included in the meal) once a month on an ad hoc basis and invite them out to one Sunday activity with you as a family - then if they prioritise FILs Sunday lunch, that's their choice.

Careful not to slip back or set up new arrangements. Otherwise all the stress will be for nothing.

Well done tho.

Yes Nameless, you could be right. Adhoc arrangements, shorter duration, ILS to make an effort to be courteous to their DIL and treat her with respect. Also to visit DGS at his own home.

I'd remember that line DH said about his parents "they're getting old" (well perhaps it's too much for them having an active little boy at their house for 5 hours) and the one about "it could be Dad's last Christmas" (oh dear FIL, DH thinks you're on your last legs, clearly having guests over for Christmas will be too much for you, so we'll be having it at home) trot them out to ILS as applicable.

My friend's MIL didn't give her lunch either. My friend stopped taking the children up there. End of.

What's your dh's attitude to your parents OP? Im presuming they cant be that different in age to his?

Agree totally that this is all about control on the grand parent's part - and it just doesn't smell quite right.

I hope the OP is all right.

It seems that there is a long standing history of control the ILS have over their son, so that he would never cross them or risk the fallout, because he is the 'favourite'. He just does as he's told and takes DS. Is he not a bit offended that his parents won't come to his home? I would be as there are no reasons why they can't get themselves there. I don't think there is mentioned that anyone else of DH's siblings or their DC go to Sunday lunch at the ILS. Of course not, MIL wants DS all to herself, her new favourite 'son' which is why she calls herself 'mummy'. How much do any of them see the ILS anyway? Could it be they have all got wise to her controlling ways and stand up to her, or plainly avoid if possible? Any chance of support from SILS/BILS, OP?

DH'S disrespect for the OP is staggering, but he is stuck between his wife and his mother, both strong women and he doesn't know how to deal with the situation. Accepting that things need to change, and that his priority is his wife and childs needs over those of his parents would be a good start.