To advise you all to NEVER get tied into going somewhere every week. Forever.

[Compromisingannie]

Nc for this.

Since my ds was born, nearly 4 years ago, he has gone to my PIL every single Sunday. Even when he was tiny and I was feeding I used to express for him and off dh would go for his allotted five hours.
There is no flexibility in this arrangement, the only Sundays missed have been if we are away. My family has to arrange any special meals ( for example my gran's 95th birthday) for a Saturday. It drives me MAD and many times I have asked dh to man up and speak to them about it. And to be honest he never has so it's as much his fault as theirs. But even he is getting a bit fed up of it now.

Next Sunday there is a special event on at our museum, with a battle reenactment and knights and jousting. Ds would love it. I told dh I was taking him to which he said "that won't go down well with PIL". I offered the following options

1. I will take ds to knight thing early and dh can take him to PIL a little later than usual. Apparently not acceptable as they will miss out on allotted time.
2. he takes ds before we go and comes back early and we will go to knight thing in afternoon. Not acceptable,see above.
3. PIL can come with us to knight thing. Not acceptable as FIL likes to have home cooked Sunday lunch.
4. I will take ds over sometime in the week. Not acceptable as the days I can do (three out of five) they can't.

The upshot is I am taking ds to the museum and they are cross.
I have told dh they'd better get used to it because when ds starts school there will be parties and play dates and he's not going every single Sunday for ever and ever.

I've put up with it until now but I think it's time to put my foot down. I completely understand they love ds and want to see him but they only live ten miles away and yet they never come here. We always have to go there. Usually I don't go actually, just dh and ds. I think once a fortnight is better once ds is at school. They could maybe pop over one evening in between if they want to see him. Aibu? I'm fed up with never being able to plan anything on a Sunday!

Cecily, I'm imagining the following scenario:

OP: We've had a baby boy!
PIL: Great. I will be his Mummy every Sunday from 12 til 5 starting next week.
OP: Err, ok, we'll see you then.
PIL: oh no, we don't want to see you. Just send him over.
OP: but I'm bfing.
PIL: that's what pumps are there for...

I don't actually have a particular problem with 'duty' visits as long as it works both ways so to speak.

Me and all my cousins used to visit my GPs most Saturdays. I think the parents were quite happy with this situation! My nan made cakes with us, or let us do it (I loved the old-fashioned scales in her pantry). Followed grandad about the garden. Played cards with each other. Otherwise, there wasn't a terrific amount to do. Didn't kill us.

However, GPs came to us for Sunday lunch sometimes and Grandad would come every week to do our garden.

But I think your DH needs to take a stand now; his parents are rude and it shouldn't continue.

Grandparents getting proprietorial over GC's is age old - the unwelcoming, the inflexibility, the not making lunch ofr a guest, any guest, is rude and weird - almost funny 0 if your Husband doesn't see this, then he has issues too.

Yes she's done it twice.
The second time I did say something and she said she had assumed I wouldn't want any. Don't know why she assumed this! She did then put some vegetables out for me but huffed and puffed about it.

They leave the house plenty of other times! I honestly think mil just prefers it in her house so she can say what goes.

So what are you going to do about it all? Has this thread helped clarify things, given you any ideas? What sort of responses are you going to start practising to say to them and your dh?

You need to take action - and we're good with the cheerleading here!

Ugh! Yes definitely put a stop to this nonsense!

From the sounds of things your DH isn't great at communicating so you may end up being the "bad guy" but TBH I could live with that :)

My PIL would constantly suggest Sunday every week but lunch at theirs takes the whole day and as DH sometimes works a Saturday it's just too much to commit to.

They really hate short visits whereas my family just pop in and out but don't expect the world to stop turning when they do. PIL seem to think a long visit equals "quality" time and like you they do just pretty much elbow me and DH out of the way to see DD.

The result is actually the opposite in that DD recognises my dad and friends just from popping in and out for coffee and is more relaxed with them that with PIL.

I've tried telling PIL they are welcome to do the same as it's easier than finding big blocks of time but they've never gone for it.

I think I am going to just start arranging more stuff on a Sunday.
Not every Sunday but definitely some and then I will offer one alternative time for them to see ds and if they say no then that's there lookout. If they were that desperate to see him then they'd be a bit more flexible. He could have gone next Saturday but they won't have that because they like to have Sunday lunch with him (which I never get to do) and mil goes food shopping on a Saturday.

They are both retired so could do a day in the week if they wanted to.

You must be very disappointed with your DH. He sat and watched you have nothing for lunch twice. That would have been the end for me. They were basically making you very unwelcome and uncomfortable. Totally unacceptable. Why did your DH take your son to see his parents again after that treatment? Has he no backbone?

I think you need to give them a new schedule.

Alternate Saturdays if the date is a prime number
April 1st (3am-7am - they must pick up and provide breakfast)
Every third Tuesday of the month 9-9.45
Spring and Autumn Equinoxes (for 2 hours and 57 minutes)
Martin Luther King's birthday (afternoons only)
US presidential election days (overnights)

P.S it took a while for DH to realise he doesn't have to accept his parents dictating terms to him so he's much better at saying "actually, this doesn't suit how about this?"

Before it was going along with their suggestions then moaning about it after he got off the phone!

Your in laws are behaving like they have some sort of formal access arrangement, they don't! Get your DH to man up. In the long term your relationship will suffer and your DS will miss out.

And what about your dh? How are you going to tackle this with him? Because he is the biggest part of the problem? I would try and sit down one evening and be very frank with him. That it is the exact opposite of loving and caring to sit and watch your wife be served no lunch by your parents, that in fact it is extremely disrespectful and makes you view him in a different light. His subservience to his parents means that he is not committed to you and his child. And say to him, he needs to work out what is he going to do about it because you are not tolerating it anymore.

Poor Ds doesn't seem to be getting anything out of the arrangement, if he says it's boring what are they actually doing?

Omg! They are both retired but unable to do midweek! Tell them once school starts you are switching them to midweek as weekends will be for yours. No reason they can't do a Sunday lunch midweek. Ignore any fuss. If they are cross. Tell them you are cross with their inflexibility

Tondel that made me laugh. I will print it out for them!

I think sparkling that they have lunch, watch tv and sometimes play in the garden. That's what ds tells me. It's fine (as long as she's not calling herself mummy) but I can see how he'd want to do other things too.

Sparkle I am highly doubtful that dh will ever change. He has taken their side over mine several times. It's not great I know. And not what id have hoped for when I got married.

Your DH needs to read the posts. He needs to grow some balls

She sounds proper narcissistic.

Very very odd.

My guess is you 'stole' her baby, so she is going to jolly well show you how it feels!

I would be telling them where to go.

Wow. If someone made it so clear that I was unwelcome to leave me out of dinner I would have left immediately with any DC (in fact I've had a similar situation - a friend of DH's made something to eat that I was allergic to. I watched them eating it getting crosser and crosser and then announced I was leaving to get something to eat for myself. It didn't happen again).

I'd get out of this routine and not give a crap about how cross they are. They don't give a damn about you.

I too know families like this.

But in 1 case, the husband does want to go. He would be over there more often if he could.
There hasnt been some sort of family bereavement has there, which means that the family that is left stick closer together? Just a thought.

In your case, why cant your husband just say no. Or say once a fortnight or whatever. Sounds like he is scared of them tbh.

And people wonder why some MILs are so hated. Read this and understand.

Definitely time to put your foot down since your husband has no spine. I am actually wondering if he has any balls either.

oP I would prepare yourself for some difficult episodes. This is not about them being desperate to see your DS (although indon't doubt they adore him) this is about control.
So when you start to make changes (I.e. remove some of their control) they are likely to react by being difficult in some way. You will need to keep this in mind and stay calm and focused on what you want to achieve.

OP tackle the Sunday thing first.

Once that's sorted you can, if you wish, tackle your DH on his attitude to you.

But tackle the Sunday thing first. Really once or twice a month for a visit to GPS is just fine. Honestly. You've done your time.

Urgh yanbu OP - I can't believe it has gone on for 4 years. We don't live near pil (thank The Lord) but if we did I know this is the type of arrangement I would be expected to conform to. I wouldn't and won't and can see problems in future if we ever move near them as they will expect to see DC presented at a certain time if their choosing and convenience and it won't happen.

"We're busy all weekend for the next few years weeks so DS won't be able to visit. Why don't you pop over sometime midweek to see him? No? Well the offer is there, let me know when you're free to come over. No, of course he can't come to you midweek, he's at school. Let us know when you what to see him. Bye!"