To advise you all to NEVER get tied into going somewhere every week. Forever.

[Compromisingannie]

Nc for this.

Since my ds was born, nearly 4 years ago, he has gone to my PIL every single Sunday. Even when he was tiny and I was feeding I used to express for him and off dh would go for his allotted five hours.
There is no flexibility in this arrangement, the only Sundays missed have been if we are away. My family has to arrange any special meals ( for example my gran's 95th birthday) for a Saturday. It drives me MAD and many times I have asked dh to man up and speak to them about it. And to be honest he never has so it's as much his fault as theirs. But even he is getting a bit fed up of it now.

Next Sunday there is a special event on at our museum, with a battle reenactment and knights and jousting. Ds would love it. I told dh I was taking him to which he said "that won't go down well with PIL". I offered the following options

1. I will take ds to knight thing early and dh can take him to PIL a little later than usual. Apparently not acceptable as they will miss out on allotted time.
2. he takes ds before we go and comes back early and we will go to knight thing in afternoon. Not acceptable,see above.
3. PIL can come with us to knight thing. Not acceptable as FIL likes to have home cooked Sunday lunch.
4. I will take ds over sometime in the week. Not acceptable as the days I can do (three out of five) they can't.

The upshot is I am taking ds to the museum and they are cross.
I have told dh they'd better get used to it because when ds starts school there will be parties and play dates and he's not going every single Sunday for ever and ever.

I've put up with it until now but I think it's time to put my foot down. I completely understand they love ds and want to see him but they only live ten miles away and yet they never come here. We always have to go there. Usually I don't go actually, just dh and ds. I think once a fortnight is better once ds is at school. They could maybe pop over one evening in between if they want to see him. Aibu? I'm fed up with never being able to plan anything on a Sunday!

This is utter madness.

So you have never cooked Sunday lunch for your own family? That makes me quite sad.

Time to put your foot down.

I'm so sorry Annie, he doesn't love you more than his mum? Game over for me, sorry. Do you have any long term plans for you and your child? You are worth so much more than this.

Since being on Mnet i've made lots of mental notes about what not to do if I have a DIL in the future! Some stuff is just common sense though.

Even more relevant since I had 20 week scan yesterday and DC2 is a boy.

Putting your son's needs above those of his grandparents is not only not unreasonable, but it's perfectly normal. My parents dote on my son, but appreciate that he has his own needs and try to fit in with those when it comes to seeing him as they would rather he was happy than, well, pretty much anything else. It's sad that they are so unflinching in their desire to have their own way that they do not consider your son's needs at all, but even sadder that your husband puts their needs ahead of those of his wife and child. I blame him more than them to be honest, because he is colluding in their entitled attitude by pandering to them and ignoring their rudeness towards you and their lack of concern for your son.

Your NN is "compromising", but that's not what's happening. Compromising is a two way thing. They are always expecting you to cave in - and so far you have.

I have a feeling that this one weekend will lead to a big fall out. You have put your foot down and DH will get it in the neck for that. What he does about that will set the whole scene for your future relationship. He has to choose a priority. It's either your little family, or his family with his parents.

So, just be aware that it's not one Sunday out to a museum. It could well be a much bigger thing.

So good luck!

(And can I suggest the Relationships board, for support, if the shit really does hit the fan with your PIL - it's not just for relationships between life partners.)

Oh Compromising, your last post about it not being what you expected is heartbreaking. I can tell you though from my own experience that it can get better, the control can come back and DH can get better and I speak as someone who nearly got divorced over similar issues.

YANBU

My brother was the victim of the Sunday Tea Time Ritual. His DD had to be there 5pm EVERY SUNDAY WITHOUT FAIL. It was awkward to challenge as he was separated from DD's mother, and he didn't want to compromise his access arrangements by having a fall out. Whatever our family planned was secondary to the ritual tea time. Birthdays, weddings, christenings... DB had to cut the occasion short to travel back to them- with our family being spread across the country, it would often be a mad dash back the moment lunch had ended- no sociable lingering with our side of the family.

Good on you for wanting to break the ritual. Don't let it ruin every weekend of your DC's childhood. It will have to end sometime, and better very much sooner than in many years when DC refuses to go.

Dh asked if I wanted some of his but said nothing to her

This is mad. Theres no way I would put up with this!

I think you have trumped all who post on MNet with regards to bat. shit. crazy. MILS

And I'm afraid I agree with all who have suggested that your husband needs to either grow a backbone or a pair of balls. He is lacking both.

Good for you for starting to 'pull away' from this Sunday madness!

Part of the reason I ended up getting divorced was because my ex wouldn't put my needs above his mother's wishes.

Op, would your DH go for counselling with you? It might help him to stand up to his DM who has probably been bullying him his whole life. He needs to be shown that a) this isn't a normal family set up b) that he is allowed to say 'no that arrangement doesn't work for us' c) my wife and son are more important than my parents and d) although its the easier option to upset my wife rather than my mother, it's far more damaging in the longer term.

Ah what a set up. Glad you are changing it.
One day every week would break me - no weekends away, no impulse trips, no Sunday Dinners for you - which are MAJOR family time in most people's houses.
Good luck changing all this and be strong. You know you are in the right.

Can I ask a nosy question? I know I shouldn't but re you planning any more DC? Feel free to ignore me.

It's just that that would change the dynamics completely.

you know it's ridiculous don't you?

of course you do. Sunday for 5 fucking hours precious family time for you, ds and dh.

I would ask your dh out right. who here is more important? your parents or your wife and son.

I am actually gob smacked that you altered your grans party.

you do also realise that pil don't really properly love your ds either don't you as if they did they would out his needs before theirs.

kick your dh for me too.

If they have email I would be tempted to send one like: ''Obviously when DS goes to school the Sunday visits will have to be flexible as he will have homework/activities/parties. Would you be able to collect him from school one day a week?''

Make sure there is an 'obviously' in there.

thebody That has to be post of the thread. Sums it all up nicely.

I was wondering of this situation had any bearing on why you haven't had another DC. Apologies if I've cross posted.

I'd have liked another dc but had hyperemis very badly with ds requiring repeated hospitalisation, not sure I can face it again!

My DM was trapped in a similar situation with her MIL and we all had to go and see my DGM on set days every week. This continued until I left to go to uni and to be fair, I did have a good relationship with my DGM. I didn't realise how much DM resented it though until I had DC and she told me never to get in a habit like that and to shout at her if she started demanding to it!

I'm speechless. Your ILs are mad. It sounds like they have their afternoon per week when they pretend they are parents of a LO again and your DH possibly regresses into a teenager being catered for by his mum. I think you've put up with this for almost 4 years too long. You say your ds finds it boring. So it isn't an afternoon of lots of attention and fun games with gps. If you don't stop it soon, he won't want to go.

My family used to go to my gps every Sunday for lunch and the afternoon when I was a child. But we loved going, we all went as a family and they came round to us every Friday evening too. Those times are some of my happiest childhood memories. But it was a whole family thing and I don't think there would have been anywhere else to go on a Sunday in those days.

I think at the point of being given no lunch for a second time I would have scooped up DS and left immediately. Leaving DH behind. Permanently.

Probably would have ideally bitch slapped MIL on the way out too for good measure.

PIL's access to DS would also then be restricted to only at my house on my terms. Under no circumstances do they call the shots when it comes to your son!

It's not entirely the GPs fault.

They've tried it on and been allowed to get away with it from the start.

What would have happened OP, if you'd said No to this madness from the get-go?

And I do think a huge part of the problem is your DH.

This is ridiculous. My mil attempted to make similar set in stone visiting times for my 5 month old ds and this thread has made me so relieved that I said it wasn't feasible. She sounds quite similar to yours actually. Basically ignores me on visits and it's obvious she just wants to see ds. She's always encouraging me to do something else and leave him with her which I haven't done as he's bf and won't take a bottle.

You definitely need to change things. I feel sad for you that you've missed out on so many Sundays with your son, doing what you want. Good luck

I just can't get over her not giving you lunch. Did your DH and FIL just sit there stuffing their faces while you sat there with nothing? Sorry but that's just humiliating and a definite and deliberate snub.

It'd be a cold day in hell before I ever went there again or allowed my DC to.

Your Mil is a bitch and your DH sounds like an arsehole.

I think your relationship is on rocky ground if your dh won't stand up for you to his mum. It must erode your self worth.