To advise you all to NEVER get tied into going somewhere every week. Forever.

[Compromisingannie]

Nc for this.

Since my ds was born, nearly 4 years ago, he has gone to my PIL every single Sunday. Even when he was tiny and I was feeding I used to express for him and off dh would go for his allotted five hours.
There is no flexibility in this arrangement, the only Sundays missed have been if we are away. My family has to arrange any special meals ( for example my gran's 95th birthday) for a Saturday. It drives me MAD and many times I have asked dh to man up and speak to them about it. And to be honest he never has so it's as much his fault as theirs. But even he is getting a bit fed up of it now.

Next Sunday there is a special event on at our museum, with a battle reenactment and knights and jousting. Ds would love it. I told dh I was taking him to which he said "that won't go down well with PIL". I offered the following options

1. I will take ds to knight thing early and dh can take him to PIL a little later than usual. Apparently not acceptable as they will miss out on allotted time.
2. he takes ds before we go and comes back early and we will go to knight thing in afternoon. Not acceptable,see above.
3. PIL can come with us to knight thing. Not acceptable as FIL likes to have home cooked Sunday lunch.
4. I will take ds over sometime in the week. Not acceptable as the days I can do (three out of five) they can't.

The upshot is I am taking ds to the museum and they are cross.
I have told dh they'd better get used to it because when ds starts school there will be parties and play dates and he's not going every single Sunday for ever and ever.

I've put up with it until now but I think it's time to put my foot down. I completely understand they love ds and want to see him but they only live ten miles away and yet they never come here. We always have to go there. Usually I don't go actually, just dh and ds. I think once a fortnight is better once ds is at school. They could maybe pop over one evening in between if they want to see him. Aibu? I'm fed up with never being able to plan anything on a Sunday!

Oh right Comp, that's understandable. Would be interesting to know how MIL would react to another grandchild.

Yanbu to put your foot down and actually you sound too nice.

Yabu to have put up with it for so long. The baby days...wtf?

ChristalTipps I think that there is a bit of fun to be had here first.

Glad I'm not the only one who spots these opportunities

I started going to MIL's more with DH and DC (not to make any sort of a point, just because logistics allowed it). The upshot was they stopped being invited and DS hardly sees her any more.

You do realise I have to know what happens next Sunday.
I think it might be difficult to make a change because your DH is so enmeshed in the current ridiculous arrangement.
If your DH and DS are going to GP's tomorrow I think that's when MIL will start to dig her heels in.

Yadnbu!!

Stand firm. If you don't you will only delay the inevitable and DS won't thank you if he has to miss parties etc on Sundays forever and it will cause arguments between you and DH all the time. Get the battle over with. Just try to talk it over reasonably and calmly with them rather than get into a confrontation that upsets everyone and may never heal. Be nice and have dignity, don't say anything you will regret, but stand your ground.

Oh, I have a tip. I frequently find myself caving into ppl's demands. I find it tiring to argue and am quite malleable.
My DH is not like that, quite the reverse. There is absolutely no way he would be going along with an arrangement that he was unhappy with.
I have asked him how he manages it (because the tricks ppl will pull when they're trying to manipulate a situation to their advantage can be staggering and often take me by surprise). He just says that he is not at all concerned by what others think. He is only interestd in the fact that he is right (in said situation) and focused on what he wants to achieve.
Sometimes to get your own way you have to accept that other ppl might think or feel or say things that you might not like. The key, it seems is to not allow this to touch you. Your mil will try to be difficult about you making a change. Stay focused on your goal.

Oh, now I arise I am repeating myself.
Sorry. Getting a bit fixated.

I reckon the first battle has to be with your dh.
Put it to him that this is a very abnormal set up.
Enumerate the times she has deliberately not welcomed you into her home (frankly the lunch thing should be enough but I sense there will be many more examples).
Tell him how much it hurts you.
Then give a practical outline of what this will mean to you three as a family if it continues as it is. I assume you don't want to stop contact with MIL so make that clear.
Tell him he is responsible for quietly rejigging the arrangement, that it needn't involve you as you can see that she dislikes you, but there must be no more pretending that this is all right.
Prepare him for how she will try to make him guilty, and help him with responses if he feels he needs it.
And then re-iterate how unpleasant the arrangement is and how you need to be a united family, even if sadly you are united against his parents.

And if she says anything to you: well, she would, wouldn't she? She will try very hard to turn this round on you.

First and foremost ypu need to get Dh To see the madness of all.of this. It is too.big a battle for you to fight against him and them.

I suggest you let him read this thread. Then negotiate with him about Sundays. First and last Sunday of the month - MILs. With you going to one of them and getting treat like an actual family.member.

Every other Sunday in the.month is for your little family. You have never had a Sunday Lunch just the three of you? In four years?!

xpost

I'd show your dh this thread and leave him to quietly digest it and grow up.

Take your ds to the museum next Sunday and have a nice family day out. S what if "they are cross". You won't be there to see it

This is weird. You have a nice time at the jousting thing. Ignore any unpleasant texts or emails.

Perhaps for the next few weeks make plans that at least eat into the Sunday slot.

Agree with all the above am completely & about this!

IF you decide in future to go on a Sunday, make sure DH rings them on a Friday to confirm that

" there will be three of us for lunch so you know when you do the shopping!"

Also restrict it to 12-3 so your DS can have a nice visit and you can all still do something/nothing together at home after.

"Getting into a new routine for when DS goes to school MIL !"

YADNBU!!

I am having a similar problem here, although it's more to do with going to church, as well as MIL. And it's beginning to make me really resentful

Anyway, yep. DH needs to be on your page. It's not as if you are stopping the visits altogether. Who wouldn't want to be flexible, so as to help relationships in the family? Baffles me it does

Sparkle I am highly doubtful that dh will ever change. He has taken their side over mine several times. It's not great I know. And not what id have hoped for when I got married

Please, please, please do something about this. He doesn't have to change - you do! Once you stop allowing him to treat you like this, he will stop!

Just get up early tomorrow, pack a bag for the day and take your ds out. Tell dh you are going to watch the knights and you will be back home by 5.

End of. Let him object and splutter and get himself tied in knots over his ridiculous parents. Let him deal with it. Let him explain to them or make excuses - just go out and enjoy yourself.

I bet you he goes to theirs for lunch anyway instead of joining you and your son on a lovely family day out.

Did dh have to spend his childhood Sunday's with his paternal gp so mil is thinking 'now it's my turn?'

Either way it doesn't matter, if he didn't and mil got to do her own Sunday lunch and dh has happy memories of that then he is denying you and ds the chance of ever having those memories. Or if he did have to go them surely he remembers that it would have been nice to stay at home most some Sunday's yet he's prepared to inflict the same on his son.

I really think you should take a deep breath And see if dh will come with you to the museum. A family holiday day out. If you can miss when away on holiday then call it a holiday.

And then once you've come back and had a lovely time, tell PIL that it's your turn now to have Sunday lunch with your son and dh. For at least the next 4 years. And that they can come or not, that's their choice. If they don't come, they are denying themselves the chance to see your ds and dh and you.

And don't say that they will have to get more flexible for things like parties and playdates and homework because it is leaving the most important reason out. YOU! The fact that a child's own mother wants to spend Sunday lunch with their own young child is a significantly more valid thing than a mil demanding to spend it with just her ds and dgs.

I think she should think herself lucky especially given the way you have been treated if she gets 1 Sunday a month (and even that should be mutually convenient rather than 3rd Sunday of the month regardless of what else is on).

I'm also hoping that she does come to yours for lunch so you can tell her that, following her example, you didn't bother to cook her any lunch as she doesn't eat much... And then see what her reaction is...

Of course, you then might want to produce a meal that you've kept back so you can point out that actually you would never be so rude as to not serve food to all your guests but that you thought she might enjoy experiencing a little of her own hospitality!

But I think that you need to make a stand and say that, right here, right now, you will no longer be dictated to and all have your lives controlled by mil. Sunday lunches will be an ad hoc affair, organised individually and arranged on an approximately one time at our house, one time at your house basis. And that you will certainly not be seeing them every week or even every other week.

Stand strong and look forward to reclaiming your family Sunday's - remember you have the might of mumsnet supporting you on this!

What fairenuff said above.
Sorry, can't copy and paste on this.

MortifiedAdams - First and foremost ypu need to get Dh To see the madness of all.of this. It is too.big a battle for you to fight against him and them.

Yes exactly otherwise you'll end up being pitted against your husband which isn't fair.

He needs to be presenting a united front with you.

That is a very weird set up.

Well they have had 4 happy years of doing this, you and your ds deserve to have some flexiblity with his weekend plans.

How about limiting it to only 2 Sundays a month and instead of it always being 12-5pm it can be changed (with just a couple of days notice in case something comes up) to either breakfast, morning tea, lunch or evening meal, whichever fits in with the rest of the days plans that ds and your family has.

I used to have to go to London to see my grandparents every weekend, and be dressed up in all my finery. My cousins used to look at me pityingly - my mother used to like to stress the point that we were "better" than them. I was never not allowed to go, "while you live in this house, you do as we say." I have a particular memory, of going there, aged 18, wearing my grey interview suit, a frilly collared pink blouse, tights and court shoes. It was mortifying. My cousins were all going out clubbing, but I couldn't join them as I wasn't dressed for it. My Gran asked my mother why she got me dressed up like a dog's dinner just to come and sit in her front room, but didn't get a satisfactory answer. My Mum used to dress up to the nines as well, and my father used to wear a suit.