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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not to want to pay for everything?

45 replies

violet123 · 07/08/2013 10:12

My boyfriend and I don't live together, but spend the majority of our time at his house. He is not currently working, (I am, although I do not earn a great deal) but is trying really hard to find work. He does have some savings, which he is living off, but understandably is trying not to spend too much. The issue is that when I go round in the evenings, I always bring food/wine. I didn't mind at first, but I am now in a situation where I can't afford to pay for everything all the time. He rarely, if ever offers to contribute, even a couple of pounds, but seems to expect it. I tried to talk to him but he said (reasonably?) that we do spend all our time at his so it was not unreasonable for me to pay for all food/wine. We have a good realationshiop, but I am feeling taken for granted. WWYD?

OP posts:

MortifiedAdams · 07/08/2013 10:15

Google Cocklodging.

GetStuffezd · 07/08/2013 10:19

No, I wouldn't put up with this. How lovely for him to have someone come over every evening to provide him with food, wine and sex! I do understand that he's not in work....but really OP, don't you want a partner who sometimes treats YOU and makes an effort for you?

AMumInScotland · 07/08/2013 10:21

So, you pop round to his, which has no additional expense for him (unless you turn his heating all the way up, have long hot baths, use his phone to call Australia?) and in return you always bring all the food and wine.

The reason you feel you are being taken for granted is that you are, actually.

Maybe pop round without food sometimes (oh and don't provide sex) and see if you are still interesting to him?

SlimePrincess · 07/08/2013 10:23

He is a cocklodger.

Indecisive90 · 07/08/2013 10:29

Hmm I don't know. I spend a lot of time at my boyfriend's without paying rent so I buy a weekly shop every so often or take food in to contribute. I don't think it's as simple as previous posters have said.

Why don't you either stop taking food round and split the weekly shop (if you really are there all the time) or ask him to come to yours more often and bring the wine? I don't actually see anything wrong with what he's doing, it just needs to be done in a fair way. Also if he's unemployed he's probably short of cash, maybe he should be buying in bulk to avoid you having to take food. And maybe he can't afford wine.

Original poster

violet123 · 07/08/2013 10:34

Thanks for all your replies - I am more than happy to pay for most of our food, it's just that he does expect me to buy wine as well! Even though he knows I can't afford to keep spending so much. I also contribute to toiletries, bread/milk etc when I spend the weekend there.

OP posts:

MortifiedAdams · 07/08/2013 10:35

Invite him round yours and tell him to bring food and wine. See what his response is.

GetStuffezd · 07/08/2013 10:36

I agree with Mortified.

PeriodFeatures · 07/08/2013 10:36

it's just that he does expect me to buy wine as well!

Whaaaaaat!! He's rude.

ICanSeeTheSeaFromHere · 07/08/2013 10:37

I am assuming you have your own living expenses so even if you are there a lot of the time he could make you a meal... pasta is hardly extortionate... and I am sure you don't need wine every night.

When (now) DH and I got together we had a home each. I was a student and he was in a well paying job. I still cooked for him as often as he did for me. When I went to his I would take us treats and he would do the same when he cam to mine etc. It didn't have to be expensive... a bag of haribo to have with a dvd!

Indecisive90 · 07/08/2013 10:37

It is rude. Tell him you're more than happy to contribute but wine's a luxury you can't afford.

livinginwonderland · 07/08/2013 10:37

Before I moved in with DP I spent most of my time here rent-free. As in, 5/6 nights a week and I often stayed during the day while he was at work (as I only work PT). In "exchange" I often paid for the weekly food shop.

Tell him straight. You cannot afford it. Then, stop buying it. Buy what you can afford and are happy to contribute. If he gets stroppy, he's a cocklodger and you're better off without him.

MrsRajeshKoothrappali · 07/08/2013 10:38

I've had 'friends' who are like this.

You pay once and they expect it all of the time.

If I were you I'd forget him and move on. Sorry!

ArtexMonkey · 07/08/2013 10:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Runningchick123 · 07/08/2013 10:47

He sounds like a clock lodger for sure.
When I first met my husband he had his own fla and I still lived with my parents so we used to spend the majority of our time together at his place. He would buy extra food and we would take turns to cook it. I would sometimes bring something over to cook or grab a takeaway for us both but he wanted me to come over and enjoy my company so he made the effort to make sure that he provided most of the things needed. If he had expected me to bring over all of the food and drink then I would have come to the conclusion that he was taking me for a ride and we would not be married today.

Even though your partner is on benefits he would still have to feed himself if you were not around so he should be buying at least 50% of the food, any less and he is taking the piss.
Food, wine and a woman on a free tab.....sounds like a bachelors dream and the woman's nightmare.

Runningchick123 · 07/08/2013 10:47

That should say cocklodger - damn autocorrect.

AMumInScotland · 07/08/2013 11:00

If he knows you can't afford it he should certainly stop "expecting" you to buy wine. What would happen if you turned up with a loaf of bread and a couple of tins of beans and no wine, because you can't afford it?

A decent man would promptly apologise for his unreasonableness and have a sensible conversation about how you arrange things between you to be fairer.

But I get the impression he would whinge?

If so, you really have to think about what this "good relationship" is based on. If it works because you do things his way, and provide his home comforts, and don't complain, then it isn't really very good is it?

RenterNomad · 07/08/2013 11:02

Living off savings is very scary, as one doesn't know how long they may need to last. However, you, living off your income, actually know how long that needs to last (payday to payday, in the worst scenario), so your budget should be respected, too.

Tell him that if you are being sensitive to his reduced circumstances, he can be sensitive to your reduced circumstances.

Whothefuckfarted · 07/08/2013 11:04

What's a cocklodger?

TheDoctrineOfAllan · 07/08/2013 11:08

HIBU.

Does he have any food in - pasta and sauce, beans on toast?

How about once a week you bring food and wine, then other times you alternate cooking from the cupboards or bringing your own "cupboard" food (no wine)? Presumably it costs you to commute to his too?

dreamingbohemian · 07/08/2013 11:10

How often are you going over there, and what kind of food are you bringing?

If it's only a couple nights a week and you can just bring basic pasta makings and a cheap bottle of red, that doesn't sound too bad. If it's most nights and you have to bring takeaway or expensive food then that's not fair.

How long has he been unemployed and do you think he'll find work soon?

QuintessentiallyOhDear · 07/08/2013 11:14

Move on. He is a grabby, rude, user/loser.

ImperialBlether · 07/08/2013 11:19

He's a user, OP. Why don't you have dinner before going over there and don't take any wine?

Or why doesn't he shift his arse and come over to yours?

AMumInScotland · 07/08/2013 11:20

WhoThe - a cocklodger is a man who doesn't contribute anything to the relationship apart from his cock, and expects in return to get food, a place to stay, all his washing done, etc, etc. Just because out of the goodness of his heart he is providing her with sex.

Unfortunately many women seem prepared to put up with them, because they believe that he is "lovely" in some unspecified way, or "good with the children" without actually being any real help, or "well, who else would take me on since I'm a single parent?" type of reasonsing.

QuintessentiallyOhDear · 07/08/2013 11:24

Yes, why is he not coming to yours? Is he worried you will ask him to bring food and wine?

So, you work. And he does nothing. Come evening, you drag yourself and food and wine to his. I think I smell a mug here....

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