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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DH should help me round the house

38 replies

skyblue11 · 02/08/2013 08:08

You see I work part time (30 hours) so I get a day off in the week so I think he thinks that I should do everything in my free time. OK, but I now use that day to support my mum with dementia.

I really hate the ironing, I occasionally leave his shirts and although he doesn't say anything I can feel his annoyance.

He works full time, and he might empty the dishwasher or run the hoover round very occasionally but I can't think of anything else that he does. I do everything like cooking, cleaning, ironing as well as all the finance stuff (he just lets me know if he draws out money, if he remembers). I have always done childcare but now shes older it's not an issue. All he does is come home from work, eat his tea and watch TV. How can I motivate him without 'nagging' it always results in rows but I feel like I have a bad deal. I even sort the car, garden and DIY out!

OP posts:
ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 02/08/2013 08:16

No, he shouldnt help you. Help is something you do as a favour to someone to assist them in something that is their responsibility!
He should do his fair share.
It is his home too.
You are not the maid.

Your problem is that he feels all things domestic are your responsibility.

I don't know how to show him he is wrong.
Maybe say that if he wants a 1950s marriage then you'll give up work and he can earn all the money but he can't expect you to contribute financially AND do all the domestic stuff!

Danger with that I gudss is it may go right over his head and he'll think you're serious!

FobblyWoof · 02/08/2013 08:19

I'm a SAHP and I don't do everything arohnd the house. I gave up work to look after our child not to be his maid and he's well aware that if he wants that he can go and find someone else to do it for him Grin It's not the 1950's and I think it's crazy the amount of people (both male and female) who see housework as a predominantly female job.

So no, YANBU to want abd expect him to do a hell of a lot more than he does. YABU for doing thia stuff for him in the first place Smile

FobblyWoof · 02/08/2013 08:20

x-post with hecsy who put it muxh better than me

Original poster
skyblue11 · 02/08/2013 08:20

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to cook a meal one night at the weekend, just for a night off, but he prefers to get a take away or eat out, which is nice but it's just a cop out for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
skyblue11 · 02/08/2013 08:21

I just think he's resentful of my working week, when I changed my working pattern he said he was going to do it too as he's like a day off too and why should I get to work less than him?

OP posts:
Moxiegirl · 02/08/2013 08:21

As a start, stop ironing! Well at least his shirts, although I don't iron anything at all.
Yes it's not 'help' you want from him it's his fair share.

Original poster
skyblue11 · 02/08/2013 08:23

Moxie a fair share would be nice ...

OP posts:
livinginwonderland · 02/08/2013 08:25

I work part-time as well OP, and I do end up doing a bit more than DP around the place because I'm home more often (no kids living with us at the moment, his kids are at their mums and we have none together). For example, yesterday I did the dishes, fed the cats, took out the rubbish, vacuumed and cleaned the kitchen. But, when he got home from work, he changed the cat litter and made dinner.

He needs to do his fair share. He lives there too and you shouldn't be expected to do everything just because you happen to work less hours!

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 02/08/2013 08:29

I'm so sorry about your mum's illness. Basically you both work full time, he should split all the domestic work equally. How to get him to do so though is another matter. Has he always been this much of a responsibility- shirking baby?

NotYouNaanBread · 02/08/2013 08:30

I don't want to bore you with with my horror at the idea that him doing half the housework is "helping you", but if you want to start redressing the balance one step at a time, please stop ironing his shirts. There is no earthly reason for you to do this. If he objects, and you want to mollify him, tell him that you will iron them for him while he blitzes the kitchen and bathroom every Saturday morning.

If he's not holding a sponge & bottle of flash all purpose, you're not ironing. End of.

Beechview · 02/08/2013 08:30

Does he end up ironing his own shirts or do you end up doing it?

Maybe he'll respond to an actual task list that is his responsibility.
I'm on maternity leave at the moment but I normally work part time. I do the majority of the chores which I don't mind as it frees up the weekend for us but dh does know what chores are his responsibility and he does them without annoyance now (and that includes ironing his own shirts and he usually does the kids uniforms too if I give them to him)

Original poster
skyblue11 · 02/08/2013 08:30

living he'd never make dinner, first thing he does is look round to see if there's anything cooking and he refuses to clean MY cat's s* up as he puts it.

He seems resentful I work less, I am 10 years older and I think have a right to a bit of me time now (well it's Mum time now). Forgot to add I have health issues (hypoT) which make me tired and achey.

OP posts:
livinginwonderland · 02/08/2013 08:34

It just sounds like he's being selfish sky :(

It doesn't take long to throw a quick dinner together - pasta, stir fry, salad or something, it only takes fifteen/twenty minutes. DP and I split the cat stuff - I can't do the kitty litter 'cause the smell makes me vomit, so he does that and I feed them/make sure they have water. I do "more" but he gets the crappy job (literally!).

Nagging won't help, just say you won't do it. There's no reason for you to be doing is laundry or his ironing, he's a fully grown man. I'll do DP's laundry along with mine IF it's in the laundry basket. If not, it gets left where he dumped it and he can sort it out himself.

I get it must be so frustrating though!

Original poster
skyblue11 · 02/08/2013 08:35

I have just realised my title was 'help me' and you're all pointing out to me what is obvious which is good, I am thinking the wrong way!

He does iron what he needs but in a noisy petulant childlike way. Then I have a blitz and may iron 15/16 at a time as I have left them on the pile.

I need to get him to change his attitude, it's just how after me being his skivvy for so long, it's an expectation.

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 02/08/2013 08:36

I think the biggest problem you have is describing your working 30 hours as part time!! Tax Credits give people full time credit for working 30 hours.

You are also a carer for your mum.

He sounds like a total dick, tbh!

Longtalljosie · 02/08/2013 08:41

Offer him a straight swap. He can go down to 30 hours provided he spends the day off work caring for your mother. On top of that he can do all the housework while you sit on the sofa and tut at him for not working hard enough. When he tells you not to be ridiculous point out if it really was such a good deal, he'd be tempted.

Don't iron his shirts at all. Tell him he's not remotely pulling his weight and that's the least he can do.

In my view you both work full-time given your caring responsibilities. But even if you didn't have those the housework split would be about 60:40.

madamecake · 02/08/2013 08:51

30 hours is almost full-time. My full-time contract was for 35 hours, not far off what you are doing plus you are caring for your mum, so you are probably "working" as much as he is and he should be doing half of all cleaning, cooking etc.

Agree with other posters that you should stop doing his ironing. If he does say anything say you don't have enough time.

Can you and your dc eat dinner before he gets home once in a while? Say you were too hungry to wait for him and there wasn't enough to go around. He will then have to sort himself out or go hungry!

I'm now a sahm and my DH works full time, but he will cook dinner on weekends, tidy the house, put washing on etc.

UC · 02/08/2013 08:52

Show him this thread.

Original poster
skyblue11 · 02/08/2013 08:56

I am actually envious of you all who have partners that do their fair share. It's my fault though for being stupid I know.

I think he's really childish and selfish for example, he went to bed last night but was still awake when I took up the days washing. So I placed his undies on the bed for him to reach over and put them in his drawers at the side of him. To which he started tutting, why are you doing this now? I replied why are you moaning I washed and dried them for you? I wanted to throttle him with his socks he drives me mad sometimes.

OP posts:
Original poster
skyblue11 · 02/08/2013 08:58

UC no because he doesn't know I'm on here and he'd be annoyed I was bitching about him.

OP posts:
Jan49 · 02/08/2013 08:58

It sounds like he's got an excuse for everything. The cat's "yours" so he expects you to deal with that. You work less hours than him so he expects you to do all the domestic stuff. If you worked the same hours as him, would he do half the housework or would he decide your job was easier, your travel hours less, or it didn't need doing? IMO What it really comes down to is, he doesn't want to do any household chores so he's happy to find reasons why you should do them all.Angry

Did you previously work full time? If so, what happened about household chores then?

I think I'd definitely stop doing any of his ironing and if he irons it noisily and you are aware of his annoyance, so what? Just let him.

CelticPromise · 02/08/2013 09:01

He sounds like an arse. I'm a SAHM mainly, DH works ft with a long commute. He does more than his share. No-one irons in this house. DH's shirts go out to the dry cleaners.

I'd stop doing his stuff- just wash and cook for yourself. Maybe draw up a timetable showing what you both do? Did his mother do everything for him at home?

Original poster
skyblue11 · 02/08/2013 09:02

Jan He simply thinks as I 'work less' so I should do more chores, end of.

I used to work PT when DD was younger and I have gradually increased, I was only FT for 18 months before I had DD, I can't remember what we did initially too long ago!

I have definitely decided I am no longer doing his ironing, trouble is I just feel so guilty, I need to get over that.

OP posts:
PasswordProtected · 02/08/2013 09:04

Get a cleaner and a gardener?

CreatureRetorts · 02/08/2013 09:05

Well why doesn't he go part time?

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