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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder if this is a major red flag?

24 replies

KissMyStardust · 25/07/2013 19:39

DD, 20 month old, is being a right pain to settle tonight, screaming and crying unless she is being cuddled. DP initially was putting her to bed but came out of room saying 'i can't be fucked with this' in what i see as his aggressive tone of voice. I am now sitting with DD wondering if this is normal at times or a red flag??

Other relevant info:

DD is DP's daughter too. DP usually puts her to bed.

I do have another thread about DP wanting to throw us out-said in drunken anger but said, nonetheless.at the moment he has apologised and thinks im staying...i am undecided what to do.

OP posts:

soapysam · 25/07/2013 19:41

The fact you're even asking shows you know the answer!

Whothefuckfarted · 25/07/2013 19:42

We all reach the end of our tether sometimes when trying failing to settle our DC's.

I find I get more frustrated if I know dh is around/able to take over.
However, I can be endlessly patient if I'm alone doing it. I guess when I'm alone I know I've got to do it and that's that.

YouTheCat · 25/07/2013 19:43

Contingency plan and then leave.

He has angry outbursts whilst drunk. He needs to address his drinking and his temper. Does he have any redeeming features or is this pretty indicative of his normal behaviour?

Bowlersarm · 25/07/2013 19:45

Hmmm I think that's a difficult one. Both DH and I have used words to that effect at one time or another when dealing with our DCs over the years. We just know it is a heat of the moment thing and don't give it another thought.

If you are having problems in your relationship then maybe you are feeling sensitive to anything he says which could be confrontational.

maddy68 · 25/07/2013 19:47

Sounds like he's stressed and not coping too well tbh. I think it's time for a good chat

ThePowerof3 · 25/07/2013 19:48

Could you take bedtime in turns?

Original poster

KissMyStardust · 25/07/2013 19:48

He is generally lovely...well, until recently. Has a good job and works hard to support us, all money into joint account for us to use equally, cooks dinner a lot, does lots of housework, good looking...i don't think this is a good list is it?!

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 25/07/2013 19:50

In that case, talk to him when he's calm.

He might just be extra stressed at work and need someone to talk to about stuff? Or he might need a break?

Bowlersarm · 25/07/2013 19:50

Why isn't that a good list?

Moxiegirl · 25/07/2013 19:53

Do you feel scared around him? Even my gentle tempered dp has got frustrated with our dc after ages trying to settle them very occasionally and gone in the other room and sworn, I don't think it's necessarily a red flag, unless you have other issues?

Original poster

KissMyStardust · 25/07/2013 19:55

he doesn't show me love or affection...i was thinking that was missing from the list.

He doesn't open up when stressed...very hard to get to the bottom of any bad mood he's in.

OP posts:

Original poster

KissMyStardust · 25/07/2013 19:57

I don't feel scared around him but the relationship is rocky, to say the least, just now.

OP posts:

amiwickedwitch · 25/07/2013 20:06

Due to my dh parents when we got together emotionally he was like a closed book, its very frustrating, slowly over a few years I managed to bring him out of himself and talk, a little bit at a time. Now 10+ years later I am so glad I stuck with him, as I was on the verge of walking. Hearing stories about dh I understood him more and we worked through it. At first he would only say he loved me if I said it first, now he will say it, not a lot, but I know he loves me, and when he gets snappy now I know something else is bugging him and able to talk to him.

Bowlersarm · 25/07/2013 20:08

Was he affectionate towards you in the past and it's now stopped? Are you affectionate towards him?

Keeping a relationship on track with a young family can be so,so hard. I think it needs an awful lot of give and take at times. But you should both be working towards the same goals all time.

SJisontheway · 25/07/2013 20:08

I don't know about your other thread, but no, I don't see what you describe as a red flag. I've had similar outbursts over the years, but the important point is it wasn't in front of or directed towards dc. You said he left the room first. This is good. Sounds like he was frustrated and letting off steam. Not ideal, bit an understandable reaction.

Original poster

KissMyStardust · 25/07/2013 20:10

amiwicked- the effect of the parents, that rings so true.

OP posts:

Aniseeda · 25/07/2013 20:11

I've said less than pleasant things when at the end of a long, hot day with a screaming child who won't settle. If he left her safe in her cot and walked out (knowing you could take over) then, on it's own, not a massive deal.

The bigger picture isn't sounding too happy though. I think you need a good talk at a time when he isn't stressed. Do you have anyone who could take DD for an afternoon so you and he could spend some time together?

Original poster

KissMyStardust · 25/07/2013 20:11

sorry, i was agreeing with your story being true for DPs past also, my post sounded bit sarcastic reading it back!

OP posts:

ProphetOfDoom · 25/07/2013 20:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MammaTJ · 25/07/2013 20:17

If it is then my DP needs to leave me. I have literally just said to him 'Will you fucking deal with them, because I have had enough' when they were heard fighting upstairs.

I did do a night shift last night though and have managed to doze while neglecting them all day.

Original poster

KissMyStardust · 25/07/2013 20:17

I am affectionate towards him but with nothing in return so often, becomes hard to make the effort...by in return i mean hugging me back etc.His affection towards me is generally more if he's had a drink or we are out and about not stuck in house.

okay, i feel better knowing this isn't abnormal, he did leave her room before saying it then went outside for a bit. im just so conscious of any anger or aggression around her due to my own childhood.

OP posts:

amiwickedwitch · 25/07/2013 20:19

My dh used to drive me mad, but once I understood him a lot more we were able to work through it.

DH's parents were awful, very selfish, dh and his sister spent majority of their childhood in there room, trying hard not to do anything wrong and take a beating. His parents would row/cheat and spent days and sometimes weeks not talking.

I sat him down and said look I love you and I want to be with you, but being with you the way you are at the moment is impossible, you either need to open up or call it quits. He said he wanted the marriage to work and started opening up, it was a tiny little bit at first but we got there :)

Over the years we both have got frustrated with the kids, and have had to leave the room to vent elsewhere.

I would wait until its all calm and then try and have a chat. Good luck :)

lastnightidreamt · 25/07/2013 20:21

I think you may be fed up of the relationship, angry with him and looking for negatives in his character.

A one-off shout at a toddler for not settling is not a big deal for me. It happens practically every night here!

Spartacus101 · 25/07/2013 20:25

Haven't read other thread but I said something similar to DP earlier, not in front of DC obviously, but after having dd in bed with us every night for the last 100 years, working all day, having both dd arguing before bed and then youngest dd having to be returned to her room 8 times I'd just started eating my dinner when she started again.

I think I said 'If you dare fucking bring her into where I'm eating I'll fucking kill you"

Lack of sleep, young child, working = all fairly normal I would have thought. If it is in front of the dc or directed at them then it would be very different obviously.

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