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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about this card from my MIL?

31 replies

Mizza76 · 18/07/2013 19:27

I just read the card my mother in law gave my 7-year-old for her birthday.
It read, "to my favorite 7-year-old granddaughter," and was signed, "from your favorite grandmother".
My mother died nearly 5 years ago. My daughter adored her and we talk about her the whole time.
I am so upset. AIBU? And WWYD?
(I have a rocky relationship with my MIL anyway btw but I mostly let things slide. I can't think of anything she's done, ever, that has upset me as much as this.)

OP posts:

LindyHemming · 18/07/2013 19:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Mizza76 · 18/07/2013 19:32

It's not that bit I was upset by. It was the "favourite grandmother" bit. My daughter has two grandmothers, even if one is no longer with us.

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 18/07/2013 19:33

Unless your dd is upset by it, I wouldn't say anything to her about the card.

It is a very insensitive thing to put though.

youmeatsix · 18/07/2013 19:33

i'm betting this was nothing to do with you or your mum but she was echoing the outside of the card, inside the card to make your DD smile

curlew · 18/07/2013 19:33

oK - I know a million people will come of her saying what a toxic bitch she is, but please, please try not to over react. It makes me sad when I seem my children with my MIL sometimes, because I miss my own mother very much. But I couldn't be mor sure that she didn't mean to upset you- it was just a form of words. Try to be thankful that your Dd's grandmother loves her very much indeed. And, sadly, try to remember that your dd was only 2 when her other grandma died-so her memories will be limited.

CajaDeLaMemoria · 18/07/2013 19:34

I presume it's the "favourite grandmother" part that has upset you?

I think it's just a turn of phrase, and your MIL would be mortified to think that she'd upset you. It was careless, in the circumstances, but meant only with kindness.

Your daughter won't think anything of it. It won't occur to her to compare her grandparents, and she won't. If it helps, go and talk to her about your mum now. You know that she won't forget your mum, though, and that she loves her. So I'd follow her lead, and ignore the message as much as you can.

(Unless your MIL has a habit of this type of thing, of course. That would change things entirely.)

Eddie107 · 18/07/2013 19:35

So sorry about your mum Mizza. MIL's card is very insensitive & I would definitely ask her not to refer to herself as 'favourite' as it's disrespectful to your mum. If MIL doesn't like it - tough!!

AmyFarrahFowlerCooper · 18/07/2013 19:41

To me it seems like she just wanted to match the favourite seven year old bit and probably did it without thinking. I'm think she'd kick herself if she realised (assuming she is a normal person) how it may have come across to you.

pictish · 18/07/2013 19:45

I think you're being overly sensitive.

CeliaLytton · 18/07/2013 19:45

youmeatsix Thu 18-Jul-13 19:33:00

i'm betting this was nothing to do with you or your mum but she was echoing the outside of the card, inside the card to make your DD smile*

^this

Sorry about your mum, it is really sad when our parents cannot see our children grow up.

Bowlersarm · 18/07/2013 19:47

I think you're reading too much into it. Your mil was just being nice, and you're over thinking it.

Original poster

Mizza76 · 18/07/2013 19:59

I don't think she did it to be deliberately hurtful, nevertheless I am hurt. Not personally, more on behalf of my mother.
Thanks all for your input, I will try to forget it....

OP posts:

Xmasbaby11 · 18/07/2013 20:04

You're reading too much into it. YABu I'm afraid.

I'm sorry for your loss. There must be many things that trigger your grief.

pianodoodle · 18/07/2013 20:12

People don't always think. Unless she has form for being deliberately mean I'm sure this is just accidentally insensitive.

My grandmother died a couple of days before my birthday this year. PIL sent me a birthday card with smiley faces on the front and then "sorry to hear about the death of your grandmother x" on the inside. Came across to me as a bit strange and rattled me a bit but I put it down to just being a bit dopey.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 18/07/2013 20:21

PIL sent me a birthday card with smiley faces on the front and then "sorry to hear about the death of your grandmother x" on the inside. ???!

I'm another one who thinks that, unless your MIL's got form for this kind of thing, although it was insensitive, it was unintentional and she was just echoing the wording of the front of the card.

Sorry about your mum OP. I lost my mum 4 years ago & there's still things that catch me short x

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 18/07/2013 20:34

So sorry about your mum I don't blame you for eeling a bit upset. However I'm sure she meant no offence at all. Made me smile actually as it reminds me of how DD's godmother (my aunt) signs cards to my DC. "love, great aunty X, great uncle X and aunty X who is also great" (aunty X is my cousin who lives at home still).

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 18/07/2013 20:35

feeling not eeling sorry!

Mama1980 · 18/07/2013 20:45

I'm sorry about your mum. But in the gentlest way you are being a bit unreasonable. I'm sure she was just echoing the granddaughter bit to make your daughter smile. Maybe thoughtless but not malicious. I would say nothing at all.
I was lucky enough to know all of my grandparents and each one was my 'favourite' and I received cards like this from them all. We were mostly raised by one set of grandparents when We were small but sadly my nan who I worshipped died before the birth of my ds1 we talk about her and he knows who she is but she's not real for him in the way my grandad who we see very week. It's upsetting for me to known that but sadly the truth.

Mama1980 · 18/07/2013 20:46

Know

Bazoo23 · 18/07/2013 21:39

YANBU to feel hurt. My heart goes out to you, I would be lost without my mum.

Bowlersarm · 18/07/2013 21:51

These stories remind me of my aunt getting a card on her birthday which was shortly after my uncle died suddenly of a heart attack aged 50. The senders of the card had been to his funeral, - it said Hope You Have Your Best Birthday Ever. She was .

They weren't nasty people, just clumsily trying to cheer her up I think, and trying to make her feel better albeit in such a naive manner. She couldn't understand it though.

Joanne279 · 18/07/2013 22:07

Hi there,

I have to say my gran (many years ago) once put in my birthday card 'from your least favorite granny' as I once said approximately age 7 my other nanny was my fave. I didn't know it wasn't nice :(

To this day my mum gets angry over that. She felt it was a ploy for attention. I remember feeling uncomfortable at what she wrote as I knew it had upset my mum.

I think that people who are old enough to realise its innapropriate ie an adult not a child (kids just speak the truth lol) shouldn't be so openly announcing who is a favorite. It's not nice. And as I assume she knows your mother is no longer with you, perhaps it was a insensitive thing to write, albeit maybe unintentional, but still inappropriate. X

HootShoot · 18/07/2013 22:27

YANBU to feel hurt. My mum died four years ago and this would really upset me too. Your MIL probably was just not thinking, but that doesn't take away your right to feel upset about it. I strongly disagree that you are over reacting. Now, if you were to charge in and accuse your MIL of being a prize cow who needed to take back her comments - that would be an overreaction. But feeling hurt and sad that she has been very inconsiderate - not unreasonable at all.

curlew · 19/07/2013 06:12

You are absolutely not unreasonable to feel hurt. My father died 20 years ago and there are still things that bring me up short. It would still be possible for someone to say something about fathers or grandfathers that would make me sad.

You would however, be unreasonable to blame your MIL for the hurt feeling. That comes from the fact that your mother died too soon and you miss her. Not from a loving message in a card intended to make your dd smile.

curlew · 19/07/2013 06:15

And saying anything to your MiL about it, unless you are really really sure it was done deliberately to upset you, would be so upsetting for her- the sort of thing you wake up in the night kicking the sheets in mortification about for months. Please don't......

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