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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm not "allowed" to go to bed early - but he can >:-(

56 replies

ChoccySocks · 17/07/2013 23:57

I have to get up for work at 5.30am and then work a 13 hour shift. DP hates the suggestion of me going to bed early in order to cope with this and by "early" I mean anything before 11.30pm.

So I was due to work Tuesday - Monday night it gets to 11pm and I say "I'm off to bed as I'm up early for work" - he whinges and says "oh don't go yet! it's so early! at least let's watch the end of this with me " so we end up going to bed at midnight. Knackered in the morning. Same thing Tuesday night - whinged about me going to bed and I ended up staying up until gone midnight.

Tonight was the first night this week that I can stay up late and not have to get up so early in morning. So I'm all set for a late night - but HE suddenly decides he's going to bed at 11.15pm.

I feel like he's doing it on purpose/out of spite like some fucked up control game!!!

OP posts:
KobayashiMaru · 17/07/2013 23:58

He is controlling you. Stop letting him. You are an adult, you can go to bed whenever you choose.

2tired2bewitty · 17/07/2013 23:58

What would happen if you took back control and just went to bed?

brilliantwhite · 17/07/2013 23:59

play the game,whinge and ask him to watch something.

gamerchick · 18/07/2013 00:01

Lords sake just go to bed when you want. Ignore the whinge and just do it.

McNewPants2013 · 18/07/2013 00:01

just go to bed when you are tired.

diddl · 18/07/2013 00:03

Go to bed-what wil he do?

Follow you up to whinge?

Erato · 18/07/2013 00:03

Don't ask him about when you're going to bed, tell him and then just go. He doesn't suffer from this arrangement but you do - stand up for yourself!

YouTheCat · 18/07/2013 00:04

Yep. What everyone else said. Go to bed when you want to.

attheendoftheday · 18/07/2013 00:04

Start saying no and going to bed. He'll get used to it.

And I don't think going to bed at 11 is early. I regularly head up at 10 or earlier.

carolthesecretary · 18/07/2013 00:05

How old is he, 5?

Are you really putting up with this. I would have kicked him in the knackers if he was doing this to me...

Fraxinus · 18/07/2013 00:06

Sleep deprivation is torture. Do you actually get to sleep soonish when you do go to bed?

How are you going to make him see how unfair it is?

TalkativeJim · 18/07/2013 00:08

Next early shift wake him at 5.30 am too. He wants to spend extra time with you so much, I'm sure he'll jump at the chance to make you breakfast and chat lovingly over a cuppa before your shift...

WafflyVersatile · 18/07/2013 00:09

Did you say anything when he said he was going to bed?

It's up to you when you go to bed. He's being a twat.

pictish · 18/07/2013 00:12

You feel like he's doing it on purpose. Has he form for controlling behaviour or mind games?

Yanbu btw. He is an asshole to do this. And it's very sly, because he will make out it's all in your head, and that you're starting an argument over nothing. Bet you.

ElizabethHornswoggle · 18/07/2013 00:14

Just go to bed when you're tired. What's he going to do? You don't HAVE to go to bed when he so calls 'tells' you to.
I'm assuming you're a grown adult?!
My DH is also up every morning at 5.30am. He usually goes to bed around 10.30pm.
That's what you need to do when you're on shifts. I wouldn't dream of whining at him to stay up. He needs his sleep.
The weekends he can stay up until he wants to!
Just like it should be with you and your DH.

pictish · 18/07/2013 00:16

Also yes - if you are tired just go to bed. What's he going to do?

D0oinMeCleanin · 18/07/2013 00:16

I get moaned at for going to bed "early" only early for DH is anytime before 1am, I work until midnight most nights and still have to get up for the children. I often go straight to bed amid cries of "But I never see you, why don't we spend time together anymore? Can't we at least make love first? Hmm etc etc". The standard reply is "Fuck off" and then I take myself to bed.

WafflyVersatile · 18/07/2013 00:21

Perhaps he could get up for the children D0on to increase his chances.

LazyMonkeyButler · 18/07/2013 00:26

Oh dear! I work in care and on my days on have to get up at 5.30am & don't finish until about 10.00pm. The night before I go to bed when I want to! DH works 9-5.30pm Monday to Friday (office hours) and also goes to bed when he wants to. Anything else is quite controlling IMHO.

aldiwhore · 18/07/2013 00:32

Stay up late tonight.

Go to bed early when you have to.

Don't entertain his game.

At my kindest, I'll say he sounds like a right contrary bugger! At my least kindest, I'll say WARNING WARNING! LTB!

Perhaps the truth lies somewhere in the middle. Do not play his games.

I'm up early, as is DH, he went to bed (sensibly) hours ago, I've had a shit day, very emotionally trying so I'm too wired to sleep, there's no issue at all. I often leave him on the sofa when I'm ready for bed, I'm ready...

Stop playing this game (even if he doesn't realise he's playing it) and see what happens. A grumble might be normal, a row from him is not.

I can see what pictish is saying (been there got the t-shirt) and hope for your sake that he falls into the category of simply no realising he's being a knobber. Keep your guard up and do what you want to do for a while and see what happens. I sincerely hope pictish is wrong...

OhDearNigel · 18/07/2013 00:45

Start waking him up at 5.30am. He'll get the message

SolidGoldBrass · 18/07/2013 00:49

So he has demonstrated to you very clearly that he gets to go to bed when he wants to, but you need his permission to do so? That is could be an indication that he considers himself the Head of the Household and expects obedience and compliance from you.
Try going to bed when you want to and see what he does. If he proceeds to make a lot of noise eg turn up the TV, bang about or put some music on/follow you up to bed and ask for sex/keep coming into the bedroom to wake you up with trivial demands, then he is definitely abusive.

AnnieLobeseder · 18/07/2013 00:57

When you want to go to bed, get up and go to bed. He can whine all he likes. If he actually tried to physically stop you or deliberately keeps you awake once you've gone to bed, then the two of you need to have a very serious conversation.

Is he used to getting his own way? Perhaps it's time he got a little less used to it.

pictish · 18/07/2013 00:57

Or if he holds onto resentment for the next day. That's not a good sign either.

Morloth · 18/07/2013 01:22

What? Why are you doing what he says?

Go to bed when you need to go to bed.

He isn't actually your owner you know.

Bloody hell.

I think I need a break from MN this stuff is starting to make me batty.