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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my ex to

14 replies

FunInTheSunD · 15/07/2013 23:45

my ex has brought tickets for DD to have a day off college and go to a festival, with out a word to me.
WIBU to say to him...
you booked it...
you tell college she's not going in (she's just finishing her first year of her A level course but doesn't finish till next week
You pay for her train fare and food for the day
you pick her up if anything goes wrong... ie she misses her last train....

because
you didn't have the courtesy to mention it to me
its your idea for her to miss college
I have no spare money and
I'm already committed to going out that night....

also I would never plan something when he has the kids then expect him to fork out half with out discussing it

tell me honestly AIBU here...

OP posts:
Turniptwirl · 15/07/2013 23:49

Yanbu but don't put it like that to your teenage dd coz it could sound like you're dumping responsibility into exdp.

Fwiw the time after AS levels before the summer holiday isn't worth much so don't worry about her missing that.

Ex should definitely pay for transport or dd should contribute herself. Depending where she's going and what food options are available you could ask her to contribute to that as well.

Original poster
FunInTheSunD · 15/07/2013 23:55

thanks TT, I did suggest that she asked her Dad for the money when she asked me for her fare and food money , but she said but he's paying for the ticket.... She is looking for a job, has no money, I would usually suggest she does some jobs round the house to earn some money but to be honest I don't have any extra cash at the moment....

OP posts:
mynewpassion · 15/07/2013 23:57

Maybe that was their deal . He buys the ticket. She takes care of the rest.

StuntGirl · 15/07/2013 23:58

Words need to be had, definitely.

We go to festivals in lieu of foreign holidays, they end up that expensive with the additional costs on top. If he bought her the ticket without discussion he's in charge of sorting out costs.

Original poster
FunInTheSunD · 16/07/2013 00:01

thanks ladies, thats just it... he knows she has no money.... he know's i've go no money... (just done form e's) just feel he wants to look like the good guy and make me look like the bad guy...

OP posts:
MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 16/07/2013 00:03

YANBU

it's great he's done this for her and I don't think he needed to discuss it with you first. But there's no way you should be inconvenienced by it

Original poster
FunInTheSunD · 16/07/2013 00:09

really.... he's paid for my 16 year old DD ... (17 end of august) to have a day off college, go to london, go to a gig, with her friends, and come home at god knows what time... and your don't think he needed to discuss it with me first.... Hmm
I agree with your last sentence though Wink

OP posts:
MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 16/07/2013 00:58

No, at that age I think it's between her and her dad. But as I said I do agree that all arrangements should be down to him and your dd. As for coming home late all I would expect would be to informed of the time she was expecting to be back, as a one off it's not really a problem

ImNotBloody14 · 16/07/2013 01:06

at 17 I bought tickets for things/arranged nights out/away/trips with friends and didn't check with my parents. I would let them know near to the time that I would be going out and when i'd be back so they didn't panic when I wasn't home but they didn't expect to be asked permission nor involved in the arranging process.

ImNotBloody14 · 16/07/2013 01:08

but she should be funding it. or him if it was his idea that she go to the gig.

Lj8893 · 16/07/2013 02:30

To be fair to him he probably assumed she had told you. He doesn't really need to be telling you things that your 17 year old is quite capable of telling you herself. My dad certainly wouldn't have ran things like that past my mum once I hit that age. And vice versa, my mum didn't tell him everything she organised with me/for me.

I do think that he needed to make sure she had ways of funding the rest of the day though before he bought the ticket, and if she didn't have funds then either not buy the ticket or fund the rest himself.

MidniteScribbler · 16/07/2013 03:16

Just be honest with her and say that you knew nothing about it and it's not in your budget right now. A 17 year old is old enough to understand that money doesn't grow on trees. She'll have to discuss all the arrangements and funding with her father or ask around for some babysitting work, or cleaning jobs, or whatever to raise the money. End of discussion. It's nothing to do with you, and she's old enough to take responsibility.

Numberlock · 16/07/2013 03:35

Sorry but it's not an excuse to have a moan at your ex.

zipzap · 16/07/2013 06:42

I would tell her that I think it is really mean of ex to buy her half a treat but can't be bothered to fork out for the rest of it when he knows that neither you nor she have any spare money to actually use the ticket.

And that his treat is also about making you look the bad guy for not being able to contribute in money (or time, as you're already busy). point out that it doesn't make you the bad guy in the situation - it doesn't make you any sort of guy at all as it's nothing to do with you; if he'd asked before telling your dd then maybe albeit unfairly but currently it's just all down to him - the good and bad bits.

I would say if her dad isn't prepared to do the decent thing and fund the whole thing (even if he subs her the money to pay back later) then it's actually a fairly mean and controlling thing for him to do in the circumstances. And that's without getting into the issue of should she miss school for the day. Just keep saying it's nothing to do with me, talk to your dad about it. Joint treats we discuss and agree beforehand and this one we didnt so all his. I'll give you treats when I feel they are appropriate and all the circumstances are right - including not missing a day of school and having money available for them!

On a practical note - is anybody else going or is she going to spend the whole day alone travelling and being at the gig?

Finally - is the gig sold out - could she sell the ticket if needed if she can't get permission from school or money to get there?

(oops didn't hit post on this properly last night obviously as it's still sitting here. Sorry if it xposts with anything, on phone so don't want to check and lose post).

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