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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To object to my 3 year old being put on the spot

27 replies

Ticklemonster2 · 15/07/2013 13:16

Just posting a quick query as found mumsnet advice useful in the past.
My parents in law are very pushy/manipulative and want to be in our lives constantly. My Dh and I have drawn boundaries over the past few years to keep our marriage healthy.
I posted recently about some strange things my son has said his grandparents have said to him (when alone with him). Hence not keen to leave him unsupervised with them.
Anyway, recently they have started putting my son on the spot by asking him if he wants to come and see them (despite us visiting 3 times this week and declining the offer due to wanting our own space). They have also been telling our son to tell us when he wants to see them and we will deliver him to them.
It feels uncomfortable and I can see it put pressure on ds. Am I wrong to feel they are using him to manipulate us?

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 15/07/2013 13:19

Well of course they are,but if you and your dh have made the decision to not have him with them unsupervised then each time they do this you both need to tell them clearly that. No it will not be happening.

SaucyJack · 15/07/2013 13:23

YANBU, but I would not imagine this is a particularly unusual problem where pushy entitled grandparents are concerned.

My own father does a similar thing where he'll offer the DD's a treat he knows I won't approve of behind my back, then gets them to ask me.

Then chucks a benny when I invariably say no.

NellysKnickers · 15/07/2013 13:25

Maybe its their way of letting him know they are there for him. Sorry, haven't seen your other thread. My dcs grandparents are constantly in their lives, sometimes its a bit suffocating but I just get on with it as a dcs bond with grandparents is a very special one. Dc1 chose camping in his grandads garden this weekend over a party with his mates. But again you need to link to other thread because at the moment it looks like YABU. Sorry.

DeWe · 15/07/2013 13:26

I would say to them something along the lines of:
"Please don't ask him if he wants to come round now, or tell him we will be able to bring him round if he asks, because sometimes we are doing something where that can't happen (eg bedtime!), and if you have given the impression that he only has to say and it will happen, he will stop believing what you say."

xylem8 · 15/07/2013 13:28

have I got this right?
They are

  1. asking him if he would like to visit them
  2. saying tell your parents if you want to come for a visit?

If so YABU, precious and a bit barmy

Original poster
Ticklemonster2 · 15/07/2013 13:32

Xylem8, perhaps check an earlier post about MILs previous behaviour and you might see where I'm coming from. This woman previously assaulted me and almost destroyed my marriage...not barmy...but once bitten twice shy!!

OP posts:
Blissx · 15/07/2013 13:37

Ticklemonster2 that is a bit harsh on xylem8. You can't expect everyone on Mumsnet to read all your previous threads before posting, so your tone was a BU just now. Not sure what advice you want really as you can either confront your PIL and try and resolve it or ignore it. Only you can answer that one.

Original poster
Ticklemonster2 · 15/07/2013 13:44

I don't. Tried to link but see its failed. However, if I was going to call someone barmy I probably would have looked at old posts first to be fair.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 15/07/2013 13:45

People can only go off what has been posted here and from your OP I am with xylem.

If you are daft enough to allow any contact after someone has assaulted you then that's your choice!

Sirzy · 15/07/2013 13:46

So you expect people to read all previous posts by someone before responding to them? I think that classes as a barmy idea!

DeWe · 15/07/2013 13:48

Well xylem, I don't know about your dc, but if mine had got the impression that they only had to say and they would be taken to grandparents (or others) then they would use it in the following contexts:

  1. Bedtime
  2. When being told off
  3. When asked to do something they didn't want to (eg tidy your rooms)
  4. As an option for something we're doing
  5. School time Grin

My dc would also not want to upset Gp if they said "do you want to come now?". They would say "yes", even if they didn't want to, leaving me to look the nasty one if I said they couldn't.

WhoNickedMyName · 15/07/2013 13:49

From only reading your first post YABU.

However...

This woman previously assaulted me and almost destroyed my marriage

My child woudn't be having any contact with someone that had behaved like that towards me.

MrsOakenshield · 15/07/2013 13:53

well, I haven't read your previous posts but I think yanbu. A 3 year old is not in a position to make this kind of decision, and it's very unfair to make him think he can, just for the asking, see his GPs as and when he likes (same with anything, not just this). They are using him to get their own way, it's very PA.

FishfingersAreOK · 15/07/2013 13:54

People cannot read your mind. What is of huge importance to you may not have sunk in or register on their radar. Or they may not even know. You have to spell stuff out for people before you get arsy with them (OK not always..but here certainly).

So:
Do not expect the whole of MN to know your history and hurumph if they do not
Are you doing the same with Ils? Are they aware of how you feel about this particular issue. If they are object. If not tell them ffs

Shelby2010 · 15/07/2013 14:46

YANBU - their behaviour does sound deliberately manipulative.

Just remember that you only need to show a united front with your DH. I dont think you should worry about contradicting the GP to your DS. "Aren't Granny & Grandad silly, they keep forgetting Mummy (& Daddy) are in charge!" or "Silly Granny, of course you can't go round today, we went yesterday."

And/or get your DH to have another word with them. Personally I wouldn't be seeing anyone that annoying once a week let alone 3 times! Bugger the special GP relationship, they don't sound like particularly good people to be having any influence over your DS.

BackforGood · 15/07/2013 15:08

From what you'd posted in your OP - I'd agree with Xylem too.
If there are (pretty crucial) facts like you've posted later, you need to put them in your OP, not expect everyone to have happened to have read up on your life history (and remembered it) before hand.

Shelby2010 · 15/07/2013 15:23

And for what it's worth, I haven't read any of the OP's previous posts but I thought this one was pretty clear. GPs issue an invitation which OP declines, they then turn to DS and say 'But DS wants to come, don't you?' or equivalent. They've also told DS that he can issue instructions to his parents about what he wants to do! Both these things would make me hopping mad.

CecilyP · 15/07/2013 15:35

Yes, I agree with Shelby and DeWe. 3-year-olds don't normally get to dictate to their parents, so I don't see why this should be different or why this makes OP unreasonable or barmy.

ReginaPhilangie · 15/07/2013 15:43

YANBU. I have the same thing with my narc mother. She very passive aggressively says things like this to my dds. I now just completely ignore her when she says things like this, and say to the kids "We'll see," when they start getting excited. I will then later explain to them that w probably won't be doing xy and z that nanny said. DD1 has started to cotton on a bit now as she says, "Nanny annoys you doesn't she mummy". I explained to her that nanny doesn't always give me the space I ask for, and that's not a nice thing to do to someone. Everyone is entitled to their own space. It's harder to get dd2 who is 6 to understand but I just go down the route of mummy says no and what mummy says is law. Wink I can imagine it can be hard with a 3 year old but again like with my dd2 what you say goes and that's kind of the end of it.

Original poster
Ticklemonster2 · 15/07/2013 15:59

Thanks Regina, I have played it down so far and hoping that my son won't make an issue of it. He is never that bothered to go as I think he finds them to pushy (he is a really laid back little boy).
It's got on my pip as I felt it was manipulative and comes on the back of a recent upset over weird things they've been telling him (which he started repeating to us) ie that he's only allowed to love daddy etc.

As much as i want my son to be happy, I don't want him thinking he makes the decisions in this house, or that its ok for relatives to blatantly undermine. He is 3 and very impressionable.

OP posts:
RawCoconutMacaroon · 15/07/2013 16:08

"He's only allowed to love daddy"!!! Any relative that said that to my toddler would be having little or no contact with my child. Certainly not 3 visits a week!

Dackyduddles · 15/07/2013 16:12

Does dh support you?

If so you need to clearly state with examples ready why the present situation exists. Then leave them alone.

They are loons. I'm not reading your history on this either.

UnexpectedStepmum · 15/07/2013 16:22

I remember your thread. Have you or your DH explained why you are not letting the GPs see your DS unsupervised, or did you just stop it? If you did tell them why then they are even more out of order, and I would be having a word or asking DH to do so. If you haven't, you are being a bit U to expect them to understand. FWIW I thought they sounded nasty and bonkers last post and this may well underline that. What does your DH think now?

IneedAsockamnesty · 15/07/2013 16:27

The op was perfectly clear that her and her DH have agreed no unsupervised contact.

That's enough to go on, both parents including the one who the gc's belong to have said no to unsupervised contact.

Clear enough to know dh agrees with this clear enough to know both parents don't want it happening

Scrounger · 15/07/2013 20:44

'He is only allowed to love Daddy', does that mean he is not supposed to love Mummy.

If so, your ILs are well out of order, I would ask what example that is to make to a child but given that they have assaulted you do you really want them in your child's life? I don't want to sound mean but if you only allow supervised visits and they are coming out with this shit, and that you are hearing it second hand from your son, (assuming I am right above) you should allow them less leeway on the visits to say this type of thing. I mean 'you' as including your DP as well. That last post doesn't sound a healthy environment for your DC, what would happen if you pulled them up on it?

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