Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just not want to see this (Facebook related)

82 replies

LilyontheLeaf · 05/07/2013 17:27

I genuinely can't decide if IABU or not.

My friend's son was stillborn five years ago. I cannot begin to imagine her pain and her continued suffering.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of his death. She has changed her profile picture to a picture of her son.

It just popped up on my newsfeed. I found the image of a dead child really distressing.

I of course respect her right to grieve in any way she wishes, and of course I would never ever say anything directly to her about this. I know my feelings of distress are nothing in comparison to hers.

But I really really wish she hadn't done it. I can't get that little face out of my mind.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Rachtoteach · 05/07/2013 17:30

I think, whilst I understand how you feel, YAB a little U as we should 'put up' with our feelings of sadness/discomfort at seeing this type of image and allow that poor mother to grieve for the loss of her child.

bigTillyMint · 05/07/2013 17:31

Maybe it's her way of saying that she doesn't want him to be forgotten and that she would like to talk about him and her terribly sad experience?

LalyRawr · 05/07/2013 17:35

I see this as a case where neither of you are being unreasonable.

She is not unreasonable to grieve how she chooses. If this is how she wishes to remember her son, then who is anyone else to tell her not to?

You are not being unreasonable to be uncomfortable with it. Same as other people may dislike it due to reminding them of their own losses. I have to say I dot think I would like to see pictures of dead children either, though hypocritically, I have a photo of my own daughter who died at birth.

It's one of those things that people will deal with and react to differently.

FeckOffCup · 05/07/2013 17:37

I can see why it makes you uncomfortable, I saw photos of my colleague's deceased infant a few years ago (he died very shortly after birth) and it was very hard to see, although obviously nowhere near as hard as the suffering that the bereaved parents go through but it is distressing to see, I can still picture his face and as I said it was years ago and just the once I saw the photos (they were actual pictures rather than on facebook) but if my colleague wanted to show pictures of her son and felt that helped her grieving process then she is not unreasonable at all to do so. There still seems to be a big taboo around infant and child death and if people are challenging that and speaking out about their child then hopefully that can help others going through the same thing.

WorraLiberty · 05/07/2013 17:42

My friend has a photo of her stillborn DS on her mantel piece

He looks no different to a sleeping baby.

travellingwilbury · 05/07/2013 17:44

I am sure she would rather be showing you photos of her son doing sports day instead which no doubt she has had to cope with this week .

SolidGoldBrass · 05/07/2013 17:44

I suppose it depends a bit on whether or not the pic is, well, gross. I sincerely hope it's not and imagine that, as Worra says, the baby just looks asleep. But I also think that neither you nor your friend are in the wrong and it's just something you'll have to get over.

HorryIsUpduffed · 05/07/2013 17:46

YANBU not to want to see it, although I hope that's out of sorrow at her situation, rather than just squeamishness.

YWBU and cuntish to say so to her, or complain about it to any mutual acquaintance.

travellingwilbury · 05/07/2013 17:49

I am sure if she had photos of him alive and breathing then those are the ones she would choose to show .

Is she a close friend ? Have you asked her how she is doing ?

katatonic · 05/07/2013 17:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sundanceclaire · 05/07/2013 18:11

It's a difficult one, I don't think either of YABU. A colleagues son was stillborn a year before she started at my work, she put a picture of him on the wall by her desk, I have to be honest and the baby was very discoloured and you could tell he wasn't just a sleeping baby. It was an A4 sized image and tbh whenever I went to talk to her about something at work I lost my train of thought because it was so in your face. The other colleagues who worked in the same office/room as her spoke to the management because it was a v distressing photo and they felt it wasn't appropriate. Management said ok then but everyone must take down photos of all of their children, which was fairer imo and was done.

If I was you I would hide the photo from your news feed.

everlong · 05/07/2013 18:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EeyoreIsh · 05/07/2013 18:18

I don't think your friend is being unreasonable. It's her baby and that's how he was born to her. she'll be hurting and seeing pictures on Facebook all the time of other kids the same age as her child would have been.

Give it a day and it'll have slipped down your feed so you don't have to look at it any more.

She's probably breaking inside today. The poor lady.

BegoniaBampot · 05/07/2013 18:22

YANBU as you can't help how you feel and many people would rather not see this. but then she isn't BU either and people should understand that she feels she needs to do this and it might bring her some comfort.

Jubelteen · 05/07/2013 18:23

YANBU, I think it's a very personal picture to have online. I have a picture of my father on his deathbed which I find it very comforting to look at but I wouldn't change it to my profile pic on his anniversary.

everlong · 05/07/2013 18:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

travellingwilbury · 05/07/2013 18:32

But that is because you have a choice of picture jubelteen .

I have a pic of my son after he died , I didn't want it , I have 14 mths of happy pictures . But because the hospital took the picture I felt I had no choice but to take it . But if it was the only picture in existence of my son who I held after he died then I would treasure it and maybe I would want other people to see it as well .

I assume it is her way of shouting that he existed , he was here ! He matters !

Hopefully you have asked how she is , all his peer group are coming to the end of their reception yr at school and I am sure she has sobbed over many of those pictures and stories of how grown up little johnny looks in his uniform .

It is shit for her , it is a passing upset for you .

LunaticFringe · 05/07/2013 18:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AmyFarrahFowlerCooper · 05/07/2013 18:35

I think its a mixture of unreasonable and reasonable. I think its okay to be surprised to see the picture. I know the first time I saw a picture of someone's stillborn child, it jolted me because she didn't look like a sleeping baby at all. You are also being unreasonable to wish she hadn't done it. It probably breaks her heart a little every time someone changes their profile picture to one of their happy smiling alive child. I doubt everybody wonders whether about the effect their happy smiley pictures have on other people every time they post them so why should she worry about everybody else if she wants to remember her child in that way.

blackbirdatglanmore · 05/07/2013 18:37

I think yabu, sorry. It's like others say, she'd far rather post picture of him alive and well. I am sure if she had those pictures she would post them (even if he had since died) but she doesn't.

DebsMorgan · 05/07/2013 18:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dippymother · 05/07/2013 18:42

I have changed my fb profile to that of my late DH on the anniversary of his passing (nearly 5 years ago). It comforts me and it's nice when friends make comments about the various memories they had of him. It feels as though he hasn't been forgotten by others, even though life goes on.

However, 25 years ago (before DCs), a lady I worked with lost her baby to cot death. She brought in photos of her baby and I found that very difficult and thought it a very strange thing for her to do, but since those days I have experienced losses (my DF, DS1 and DH) and perhaps that has enabled me to empathise with others much better.

Put yourself in her shoes if you can. She's done it so that it reminds her friends/colleagues that she's hurting and doesn't want the memory of her son to be swept under the carpet and forgotten.

FasterStronger · 05/07/2013 18:44

i personally would not do it. but if my friend did that, i would support them.

your friend just wants everyone to remember her child. everyone else putts up pictures of their children.

changeforthebetter · 05/07/2013 18:49

yabu have a heart fgs. poor woman Sad

SaucyJack · 05/07/2013 18:55

Ah no, YABVU. He was a person too, and she has a much right as any of us to put a picture of her son up as her profile pic.

It's hard to explain without sounded like a knob, but when a friend showed me a picture of her stillborn daughter, I felt honoured and proud not disgusted.