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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not go to the hen night (meaning pulling out literally hours beforehand)

28 replies

HayFear · 21/06/2013 08:13

So I'm due to go to a hen night tonight. I really, really don't want to go.

The 'bride' isn't even a friend of mine, she's a friend of my cousin who organised the hen night and whilst I've been out with this woman a few times on nights outs etc, it's only because she's best friends with my cousin. I won't know anyone else there.

Another thing is I moved house a week ago. I have nothing to wear, the fancy dress thing I ordered has not arrived in time and we're skint. In the overdraft and £900 into a credit card. I'm tired, stressed out and have a lot going on with glastonbury festival just days away. I'm also at work all morning and have a house to do up all afternoon to get to a rentable standard so by tonight I'll be knackered.

Also, I can't go to the actual wedding so the bride is already in a huff with me over that.

I just can't be arsed with it. To cancel would mean upsetting my cousin hours before the event is due to start but to be honest, she'd do it to me without a second thought!

AIBU to just cancel it and relax? I've been dreading it for weeks.

OP posts:

Llareggub · 21/06/2013 08:14

Just don't go. Life is too short to spend doing things you don't want to do. I hate hen nights anyway.

ExitPursuedByABear · 21/06/2013 08:15

Don't go.

megsmouse · 21/06/2013 08:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CloudsAndTrees · 21/06/2013 08:17

I can understand why you don't want to go, but I don't think it's fair to cancel this close to the event just because you can't be bothered. Especially if you know someone is going to be upset about it when it's an event that's important to them.

You should have said weeks ago that you didn't want to go if you've been dreading it for that long.

CaptainCalamari · 21/06/2013 08:17

Umm, think you've left it too late to pull out, imo. What's the set up - is it a meal, pub, club? Is it possible that although it seems like a faff now, you'll enjoy it once you're there? (I'm always like this with nights out)

I'd say grit your teeth, find the least offensive thing in your wardrobe (most people are more interested in their own outfit than what anyone else is wearing) and make the best of it. Good luck!

imademarion · 21/06/2013 08:18

Hen nights are awful so YANBU to want to pull out.

But somebody has gone to a fair bit of trouble to organise this, partly because at some point you agreed to go. So that's unreasonable and pretty poor manners.

Could you perhaps go, and bow out gracefully once the singing and strippers start?

How would you feel if a guest did this to you?

Yonihadtoask · 21/06/2013 08:18

Before I read the full post I would have said that you should go. You had said you would, just go and suck it up. I am a big believer in sticking to arrangements that have been made. I have 'friends' who have form for pulling out at the last minute, and it pisses me off big time.

However given that you hardly know her, and you have no £ and so much to do - I guess you could get away with pulling out. I would lie though, and say you are ill. Make it a really good excuse

MrsRoss26 · 21/06/2013 08:20

If you're that against going, I'd pull out. That way you're not going to inadvertently drag the mood down too. If you don't know the bride and aren't going to the wedding, surely you're not going to be greatly missed? (Harsh?)

DowntonTrout · 21/06/2013 08:20

The only acceptable way to cancel at this late stage is due to illness

TotallyBursar · 21/06/2013 08:22

If they haven't paid for an activity just cancel, seriously. Yes, you knew what your circumstances would be and you shouldn't have agreed if you couldn't/didn't want to go but at this point is she really worth going further into debt for? Doubt it

You don't need to get this stressed out just to be someone else's party filler. I don't mean that to insult you but you don't even know the bride - I've spent more time chatting to our checkout lady than it sounds like you've spent with the bride, and I wouldn't invite her to my wedding or hen night.
You seem to have been thrown over by your cousin before as well.

If it is paid though - you should either go or refund them, definitely go if it is a thing that needs a certain number of people. It would be very unreasonable to do that to someone, even if not particularly close.

8thplace · 21/06/2013 08:22

I would feel the same as you. But I dislike the rent-a-crowd hen party thing

If you feel bad about cancelling say you are unwell with tummy upset/ migraine/ bad backache/ weird spots that might be chicken pox/ UTI/ Terrible period. Or you could be honest and just say you dont really fancy it. I would probably make a health excuse.

amistillsexy · 21/06/2013 08:23

You've been sick all day...you have a migraine...terrible runs after a prawn sarni at lunch...feel gutted to be missing it, but wouldn't want to pass it onto the bride/spoil the evening by being ill/a wet blanket all night.
Let them believe you or not. The bride won't notice, since you're not one of her mates, and your cousin will get over it.
I'd rather eat my own eyeballs than dress up and go out on a hen night, so have many, varied excuses lined up just in case anyone ever asks!

ShabbyButNotChic · 21/06/2013 08:24

I personally wouldnt go, not for someone so distant, if it was a close friend i would make the effort. Could you go, show your face then leave early? if you do want to 'ring in sick' I find the best excuse is always 'horrendous shits' as people think you wouldnt bring that up if it wasnt true lol

melbie · 21/06/2013 08:41

It depends. If anyone will be left out of pocket then you probably should go or at least pay. Otherwise don't bother! People will probably have a worse time with you there if you are stressed and not in the mood (and hen nights can be awful if you are not in the right mood) than if you are not there. Especially if you are not close in any way. Make up a decent excuse and have a night in front of the telly with a glass of wine

IncrediblePhatTheInnkeepersCat · 21/06/2013 08:46

I'd suck it up and go. It will put a dampener on the evening if you pull out last minute.

Does the bride feel that you're a closer friend than you consider her to be? If she's invited you to both hen party and wedding then it seems that she likes you. You already can't make her wedding, so I'd go to the hen party in non-fancy dress, say at the start that you've not been feeling great, but you wanted to see her, drink a couple of soft drinks or a spritzer, then leave after an hour or two. You may feel when out that you are having fun and could stay longer.

DoJo · 21/06/2013 09:02

If other people will have to pay your way, then go or at least send funds to cover your non-attendance, but otherwise just tell them you aren't well and don't want to share it with the bride.

sparkle12mar08 · 21/06/2013 09:16

If it's something where there isn't a deposit etc, where you're not leaving them out of pocket, then hell yes don't go. If you'd be leaving them paying for your share then either go or write a cheque. I'd write the cheque just to avoid having to attend tbh.

Norfolknway · 21/06/2013 09:22

Don't go -either say you're ill or tell the truth (I am 5 months pregnant and speaking my mind is not a problem!!)

You'll relax as soon as you've cancelled

DoctorRobert · 21/06/2013 09:34

Don't go. If you're not even friends with the bride then I doubt she'll care. A couple of people didn't turn up to my hen do (with slightly dubious excuses) and it didn't interefere with my enjoyment in the slightest.

Rubysmommy · 21/06/2013 09:41

Imagine if everyone that said they'd go, couldn't be bothered anymore and just didn't turn up. I've felt the same way a few times but went along - I normally enjoy it when I get there and am glad to have gone. Sometimes I've got there and a few people have bowed out last minute leaving not many people there, the organiser is always grateful when people actually turn up.
Like others have said, show your face and leave a little early.

WilsonFrickett · 21/06/2013 09:42

If you pulling out will mean the other hens will have to pay more for whatever's planned to cover your contribution then you would BU and rude, I'm afraid. If it's a case of a few drinks and clubbing with no fixed costs, then fine but I would make an illness excuse.

luxemburgerli · 21/06/2013 09:53

depends how big it is. i'd pull out if there are lots of people going for drinks (for e.g.), but not if there are 3 of you going to something specific that's been paid for.

AndHarry · 21/06/2013 09:58

Yes I think YABU; it would be rude to pull out now. Can you sell the Glastonbury tickets to pay off some of the debt/ease things slightly financially?

girlywhirly · 21/06/2013 10:14

Go for a short time in normal dress, explaining the fancy dress fiasco. Have a drink to wish the bride well for her wedding. A short 'time out' from your hectic schedule could be beneficial for you.

In the future, when people put you on the spot inviting you to things that you're not sure about, don't automatically say yes to avoid unpleasantness. Buy yourself some time saying that you need to check whether you can come, you'll let them know. And then make your decision and let them know in good time. If someone like your cousin just puts you down on the list and says you are coming without your agreement, you have every right to be annoyed with them. It will save you a fortune in costumes and non-returnable deposits.

RainforestGym · 21/06/2013 10:22

Can you feign illness but pay for what you've already committed to - any prepaid stuff etc so as not to put the other hens out. You'll avoid all the extra on drinks/dinner etc.

You're not going to be adding to the party atmosphere are you?!

Sounds like you need a break and it will be a massive relief to not go.

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