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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not letting him have DD for 4 nights

42 replies

LittleDonkin · 16/06/2013 11:01

Me and H separated in March. We were living in Cyprus and I came back to the UK 1st of May. H returns to the UK mid July. DD is 3 in October. He emailed me saying he wants DD for 4 nights the week after he returns. I feel that as she hasn't seen him for 3 months we need to reintroduce her daddy slowly. DD and I have never spent a day apart since she was born but H doesn't understand that by him taking her for 4 days straight she may become upset and wonder where Mummy is.

OP posts:
JumpingJackSprat · 16/06/2013 11:06

He has just as much right to spend time with her as you do.

tingsandtings · 16/06/2013 11:08

Was she upset and wondering where her daddy was when you took her to another country? Yabu.

TheRealFellatio · 16/06/2013 11:10

Hmm. Difficult one. I see your point, but I think all you need to do is make sure that you spent the first of the four days doing something altogether for a few hours to sort of phase him back in, and then leave them to it. March is not that long ago - I am sure she will be absolutely fine.

Eyesunderarock · 16/06/2013 11:10

She hasn't seen him in person, but has she got photos, skype, telephone calls?
Are you trying to maintain the relationship between them, despite the fact that your own has fallen apart? He wants her the week after he returns, so that gives him a week to become a familiar part of her life again.
Why not try and see what happens?

TheRealFellatio · 16/06/2013 11:10

well exactly ting these things work both ways.

Original poster
LittleDonkin · 16/06/2013 11:11

I know he does but this will be the 1st visit upon his return to the UK after not seeing her for 3 months. I had invisaged him seeing her for days 1st then after a couple of weeks having her for 1 night then after a couple of weeks increasing that to 2 then 3 nights or is this not how it works?????? Like I said I just don't want DD to be upset when she wont see me for 4 days after she has been with me everyday since she has been born. He will be staying with her at his brothers who DD hasn't seen since she was christened at 6 months old so again I keep thinking this may unsettle her.

OP posts:
teenagetantrums · 16/06/2013 11:11

Do you get on ok? if so say yes to the four nights, and ask him to bring her back if she is really upset, She will have to get used to being away from you now.

DumSpiroSpero · 16/06/2013 11:12

I think if you were not yet 3 and hadn't seen someone for nearly 4 months, you'd be pretty bewildered by someone taking you away from your mum for 4 days Jumping, although I agree he has every.right.to spend time with her.

OP - what kind of contact have they had since you've been back in the UK - phone calls, skype etc? If it's been regular and frequent then the possibility of overnight visits in probably not such a long way off, but I agree that 4 days immediately is a bit extreme, unless your separation was amicable enough that he could come to stay with you.

ratbagcatbag · 16/06/2013 11:13

I think you need to push to your dd how exciting it will be to see daddy etc, and exp,ain to your ex that if she is upset etc then it may need to be cut short, but there is no reason he shouldn't have her for four days especially when they've not seen each other in a while.

I would be pushing to get regular contact days established though so he can't demand days and you can't refuse. Much easier all round if you know what's happening.

Eyesunderarock · 16/06/2013 11:14

It might unsettle her, change usually does. It doesn't mean that it is to be avoided though, do you still like your ex?
Are you being honest to yourself about your reasons for not wanting this to happen?

Original poster
LittleDonkin · 16/06/2013 11:17

He was never a "hands on" dad even when we were living together. After we separated we were a 5 minute walk from his accommodation but he chose to only see DD for a couple of hours on a Saturday as he needed his "free time" He openly admitted that one weekend when he said he couldn't see DD he was at a hotel with another woman which I found disgusting. I do not care that he is sleeping with other women as I fell out of love with him a long time ago but for him to choose to do that than spend time with his DD is shocking especially the weekend before we left Cyprus! She is not used to spending time with him so I really do have DD's best interests at heart.

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Original poster
LittleDonkin · 16/06/2013 11:19

He does not want to stay with me and his brothers house is 2 hours away from mine (H is in the forces) He has Skyped her once in the 3 months and has said its "pointless" to ring her as she doesn't talk on the phone.

OP posts:
Eyesunderarock · 16/06/2013 11:21

Fair enough, he does seem to be less than keen on maintaining a relationship. The sooner you get access arrangements formalised the better then.

HumphreyCobbler · 16/06/2013 11:23

Given your subsequent posts I would say that a staggered approach to his spending time with her in entirely reasonable. It will be the best thing for your dd.

lucertola28 · 16/06/2013 11:23

I do not think yabu. This is not about him or you, it is about your dd and you seem to have her well being at heart here. If you get on he should come over for the day first so she is in her own environment and feels secure. Then next time he could take her out for the day, then do overnights, building them up from one night to more.

She is only little and a few months is a long time at that age even though it flies by for us.

Of course he has every right to see her but in her best interests it should not be a sudden separation from her primary caregiver who she spends the most time with and has done since she was born, better for her if it is built up gradually.

Original poster
LittleDonkin · 16/06/2013 11:23

I chose to end the marriage and I can assure you I am not using DD as a weapon. I want her to have a relationship with her father but he has the opinion of he can have her whenever he wants. I have tried to explain that she needs a routine. I don't know how we are going to make set contact days as he is forces and will be based 5 hours away from my house and will be training, on exercise etc .

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JessKM · 16/06/2013 11:24

Just to throw the cat among the pigeons....and risk being flamed

is he a Cypriot national, and do you trust him implicitly?

My daughters friend was on a 2 day visit with her dad and was taken back to turkey by him, mum hasn't seen her for over 2 years.

Not scaremongering, but pointing out a risk that's becoming more and more common.

CharlieUniformNovemberTango · 16/06/2013 11:24

Is he returning full time or visiting?

Could you Skype in the mean time to make him more of a familiar face?

Eyesunderarock · 16/06/2013 11:25

That's why a neutral arbitrator will be the best thing, that way you can't be accused of manipulation by him or his relatives.

JessKM · 16/06/2013 11:25

Sorry, just realised he is in forces so probably doesn't apply.

Can't he spend one or two nights nearer to you, either in your home while you stay with a friend or in a hotel

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 16/06/2013 11:25

I think you should seek legal advice as to the best way of maintaining a good relationship with your dd and her father... That is in her best interest.

And formalise it all.

Secondme · 16/06/2013 11:25

Well, in that case, I think 4 nights is a but extreme. She should see him soon, unless you want the 3 months to become 4, 5, etc. Maybe arrange a trip out for the two of them just a day, with you taking her home, if she really doesn't see him often. Then build it up to overnight, etc. YANBU. You have your daughters best interests at heart and this is best for her.

Original poster
LittleDonkin · 16/06/2013 11:30

He is returning to the UK permenantly but will be based 5 hours drive away and he wont know what he is doing from one week to the next so I don't know what to do re access. There could be times where he is on exercise for weeks on end and physically cant see her but these things are dropped on them at the last minute most of the time. Its so difficult!

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Original poster
LittleDonkin · 16/06/2013 11:32

I have suggested that he stay in a hotel near mine but he said he shouldn't have to pay to stay somewhere to see his daughter and he wont even stay at mine if I stay with my mum as he thinks that's weird staying in my house!

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Original poster
LittleDonkin · 16/06/2013 11:34

I know he wouldn't bring her back to mine even if she got really upset as then it would look like he has failed.

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