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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu about changing childrens names

57 replies

Hardhaton · 13/06/2013 17:13

I had my ds1 at 18 after being with his dad for 2 years. He left when ds1 was 6 months old and basically slept his way thro the nurses at the hospital he worked at. I met my h and went on to have ds2,3 and 4. He finally settled down with a woman who had a ds from a previous relationship and went on to have dd2,3 and 4.
I found out today that they have changed the step sons surname to my ex's. now I understand why as then they will all have the same name, however a few years ago my ds1 wanted to name change to my surname and be the same as his brothers. His df said no and went mental, it has never been brought up since.
Personally I find this unfair on my ds, he sees him when my ds wants to see him and since the age of 4 has been brought up by my h, who has given him everything, his df hasn't!
Aibu to be pissed off about this?

OP posts:
Bakingtins · 13/06/2013 17:25

what did the stepson's father think of the change of name? It seems a bit hypocritical of your ex, but perhaps if his son still wants your new surname now is the time to raise it again?

Original poster
Hardhaton · 13/06/2013 17:31

He obviously agrees with it. I wouldn't mind so much if they had come and told me their plans, we don't have a bad relationships. With anything major in the family new baby, wedding. I told him out of respect for our son. It seems that it was wasted on him!
I might bring it up with ds and see what he says

OP posts:
samandi · 13/06/2013 18:24

Your ex obviously wants all kids to have his name. Some kind of territorial male wanting a harem and kids with different women thing.

Would all women PLEASE keep their surnames and give any kids their surnames too. I am getting so bored of seeing these kinds of threads, it seems to cause no end of angst.

exoticfruits · 13/06/2013 18:40

I would just ask DS for his views.

I don't see why ALL women should keep their surnames and give them to their children because a few men are irresponsible.
I changed my name- and even if I had kept it I would have wanted DCs to have DH's name.

Original poster
Hardhaton · 13/06/2013 19:10

I would like to point out, I don't give a shit what ds name is, tbh if he wanted to change it to purple- wrinkle bottom it's his choice!

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 13/06/2013 19:14

I was replying to samandi- who seems to be telling us all what we should do. We are all individuals- one size will never fit all.

RedHelenB · 13/06/2013 19:15

Maybe he's adopted ss? Maybe Ss's mum doesn't know who the father is?

NotYoMomma · 13/06/2013 19:37

Maybe the ss father just didnt care enough to contest it

Unfortunatley yours did and if he sees him then he can do that.

Your ds can change his name when he is older

Bowlersarm · 13/06/2013 19:40

I have no interest in keeping my original surname samandi.

samandi · 13/06/2013 19:43

OK, OK ... I'll amend ... would ALL women that might at some point split with the dad of their kid and if so would want their kid to have their name please give the kid their name in the first place.

Heartbrokenmum73 · 13/06/2013 19:47

But who has a child with someone thinking 'I'll give this child MY surname because we might split at some point'? Don't most people have children together see themselves staying together? What a strange viewpoint Samandi.

WineNot · 13/06/2013 19:49

Would all women PLEASE keep their surnames and give any kids their surnames too. I am getting so bored of seeing these kinds of threads, it seems to cause no end of angst.

Why in earth would I choose to keep the name of a father that walked out on me when I was 18 months old?? I couldn't wait to get rid of it and change it to my DH's who I actually have a modicum of love and respect for.

Plenty of women walk out on their kids too...

Original poster
Hardhaton · 13/06/2013 19:49

You still can't say that. He left me with a 6 month old baby. I didn't get with anyone until he was 4 and that is my h.
In hindsight he was a knob, and yes I should have given him my maiden name but as I was young and stupid I gave him his name as I thought we were gonna stay together.
Her ds had her h name he left her and hasn't paid a penny not has seen him since the day he was born

OP posts:
samandi · 13/06/2013 19:54

But who has a child with someone thinking 'I'll give this child MY surname because we might split at some point'? Don't most people have children together see themselves staying together? What a strange viewpoint Samandi

I'd say it was a fairly realistic viewpoint.

Fact: Many relationships break up.
Fact: Many men/women leave their partners.

Too many people go into relationships with rose-tinted glasses. I wish I could just shake some sense into them but instead I have to content myself with sitting behind the computer shaking my head incredulously.

samandi · 13/06/2013 19:55

*Why in earth would I choose to keep the name of a father that walked out on me when I was 18 months old?? I couldn't wait to get rid of it and change it to my DH's who I actually have a modicum of love and respect for.

Plenty of women walk out on their kids too...*

I mean KEEP YOUR OWN NAME in the first place. Unless you don't mind not having the same name as your own kid/keeping a man's name who has walked out on you etc.

SingingSilver · 13/06/2013 19:56

Heartbrokenmum73 I did... I'm a forward thinker. I was right too Wink

WineNot · 13/06/2013 20:07

samandi by 'my own name' do you mean my maiden name?

samandi · 13/06/2013 20:12

WineNot - I mean a woman's surname that she has had since birth (unless it has been changed somewhere along the way). You don't get a "maiden name" until you are married and change your name.

WineNot · 13/06/2013 20:16

Ok, didnt realise we were playing that game.

The name I had at birth was acquired from a bloke who abandoned me and my mother when I was a toddler.

So, I'll stick with my married name, cheers.

WineNot · 13/06/2013 20:17

OP - YANBU, by the way and if your DS still wants to change his name, you should re-approach your ex.

samandi · 13/06/2013 20:21

Ok, didnt realise we were playing that game.

What game? Confused

The name I had at birth was acquired from a bloke who abandoned me and my mother when I was a toddler.

And did you like growing up with that name? Or would you have preferred your mother's name? (Presuming that she wasn't also abandoned as a baby and her mother took the dad's name ...)

So, I'll stick with my married name, cheers.

Okey dokey. Hopefully your husband won't abandon you with a daughter that has his name ...

samandi · 13/06/2013 20:21

Well done SingingSilver :-)

SimplyRedHead · 13/06/2013 20:23

Samandi - a woman's name from birth is normally her father's name - another man's name!

Also does the word 'surname' indicate ownership and male dominance?

Just saying!

Original poster
Hardhaton · 13/06/2013 20:24

Samandi, that's harsh.

OP posts:
HollyBerryBush · 13/06/2013 20:25

Would all women PLEASE keep their surnames and give any kids their surnames too

No thank you - I've managed to get married, establish a home, then have children, have a decent father/husband, retain the same man, father of my children - I fail to see why I should disadvantage my children and balk at our cultural traditions to assuage those who are less selective in their sperm acquisition.

slate me