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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Hurt by my mothers indifference.

27 replies

3boysgirlontheway · 13/06/2013 03:56

We live thousands of miles away from our families, with time differences and small children its hard to chat very much but, I do my best to text every day. My mother hardly ever replies. I send her photos of the kids and she never even comments on them. It hurts, but, should it? Should I expect replies? Should I expect her to say they look cute? I have a beautiful 15 month old girl and her grandmother has never even said that she looks pretty, or sweet or anything. We moved here when DD was 9 months old and will be going home again in 2 years.

OP posts:

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 13/06/2013 04:04

Seems a bit odd. My parents are far away, one in the same country, one on another continent with my Dsis the same. All of them endeavour to keep up with my DD and her antics.

Its quite sad that she appears uninterested. Does she have anything (such as illness) that would stop her from communicating easily?

Hardhaton · 13/06/2013 04:07

Maybe she doesn't reply as it makes her feel like she's missing out.

It doesn't make it right what she's doing but just just her way of coping.

Roshbegosh · 13/06/2013 04:17

Has she ever had the chance to connect with your DD? If she doesn't know her maybe she can't get interested as her grand daughter is a stranger. Does she have a full life herself? Was she warm or distant with you when you were growing up?

Original poster

3boysgirlontheway · 13/06/2013 04:23

Thanks for the replies. She doesn't have any illness, she is 60 and in good health. It may hurt her that she cannot see the kids but, if she continues like this I won't want her to see them when we get home iykwim?
She had 9 months to connect with DD, but, she didn't come to visit until she was a month old (she lives about 3 hours away) she always favoured my brother over me, and favours my boys over DD. It surely doesn't take a connection to say "oh that dress is lovely on her" or "she is so cute". I need to stop wanting her approval! Therapist here I come :)

OP posts:

Roshbegosh · 13/06/2013 04:39

No you are right. It is her stuff though, hurtful I am sure but nothing you can do will change her. Maybe your DD will miss out on that grandparent relationship which is sad but don't let her keep trying and failing over the years and maybe thinking it is her fault. Maybe I am not making sense here with my insomnia.

StupidFlanders · 13/06/2013 04:55

Are you sure she can receive pictures on her phone?

exoticfruits · 13/06/2013 06:59

Is she into texting? Why not Skype with your DD- or at least speak on the phone.

Bunbaker · 13/06/2013 07:06

My phone can't receive pictures. Why don't you email instead?

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 13/06/2013 07:08

What kind of mother was she like before you left? Caring? Distant? Maybe she's trying to punish you for moving away

Original poster

3boysgirlontheway · 13/06/2013 07:44

She can get photos on her phone, the odd time I text to specifically ask if she got a particular photo she replies that she did. She has an iphone. She doesn't have email, and every time I suggest skype or facetime its either too late or she isn't at home, or my brother isn't there to set it up for her.
She is into texting, she was always texting her sisters and friends when I was with her.
She was a little uninterested before we went away, but, nothing like this. I am tempted to not get in contact and see how long it is before she contacts me. Would that be childish?

OP posts:

Original poster

3boysgirlontheway · 13/06/2013 07:46

Thanks for the replies by the way. I also cannot ring her because she does not have a landline, I cannot ring international mobiles from my phone package here.

OP posts:

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 13/06/2013 07:47

It maybe childish but it's also very human, your kids are so precious to you and if it feels like they are being rejected by their Granny its bound to hurt x

resipsa · 13/06/2013 07:57

We have this issue too. PILs are in Oz. DH is their only child. He left Oz in 98 to come here (for me). Have DD (2). DH (not me so much) sends pics/updates and rarely gets a response. It makes him sad. I think it's their way of coping with the "loss" of both DH and DGD so feel guilty!

Original poster

3boysgirlontheway · 13/06/2013 07:59

1Veryhungrycaterpillar thank you, you get it.

The final thing that made me post this was that I sent her a photo of DD recently showing that DD and herself had something very particular in common (Both lefthanded) and not even an acknowledgement of it.

OP posts:

MumnGran · 13/06/2013 07:59

OP - I have been subjected to this type of behaviour twice in my life. Once by my (toxic!) mother when we went overseas for three years, and again by a person with whom I have the equivalent of a sibling relationship - when I moved four hours drive away.

It is punishment! You "chose" to leave, so punishment will continue until you return to "acceptable behaviour" i.e returning to the fold. Regardless of the financial/marital/situational imperatives, people who operate in this way react as though you have abandoned them deliberately and become emotionally very distant.

Sad, but in my experience there is absolutely nothing you can do about it, as challenging the behaviour has no effect whatsoever. I am not sure if it is even conscious on their part, and if called on the subject they emphatically deny and are inclined to tell you that you being over-sensitive - because, of course, its your fault!!

Dorris83 · 13/06/2013 08:25

I might be simplifying things, but could it be that you just don't see her response so you are assuming she is indifferent?
I know she isn't replying to your texts, but she might be delighted to receive them and share the photos with her friends etc... Perhaps she is not aware that you want a response?
I hope this is the case as it would feel very hurtful if she is less interested in your DD.

Dorris83 · 13/06/2013 08:26

Ugh sorry I just read my post back and it's pretty poorly written. Let me know if you want me to rewrite it!

Benby · 13/06/2013 09:22

Hi my mil sees my dd's once a week and would never in a fit tell them they look pretty or nice or cute in fact she likes to call them " walking reptiles " said with a smile so you look like a bitch if you say anything.
My mam lives with me and every morning the girls get dressed they do a twirl for mam and she tells them how lovely they are and they love it. When we come back from visiting mil my mam always asks did she like their top, trousers, hair or anything and I always have to say no. My mam can't understand why she's like that but I don't let it bother me anymore. I know my girls are beautiful in fact I don't know where I got such beautiful children, they don't get it from me. But I just make sure they get all the praise they need from me and my mam but if my mam was not here it would come from me.
I know it hurts but in the long run it will be your mam that will suffer as she will have no relationship with her dgd in a few years and that will be her biggest loss.

PurpleRayne · 13/06/2013 09:54

Maybe that she is simply emotionally lazy.

Have you ever asked her why she seldom replies to stuff?

loveliesbleeding1 · 13/06/2013 10:11

My mum has rarely shown interest in my 3, and it is hurtful but now their older mum cant understand why we never visit her or why they dont want to meet her in town or anything and all I can think is she brought it on herself,I stopped contacting her and its always her who rings me now so it might be worth a try (not contacting her).

theidsalright · 13/06/2013 10:48

Yanbu.

My mother is like this. I called her on it last year on our last day of a 2week holiday at her house, when she arrived home 4hours after she finished work, having notspspent longer than 2hours at home during our entire stay. My daughter was 4months old at the time and DS was 3. I cried and shouted a lot. She was incredulous and angry at my being hurt and offended. Could not see what the problem was.

I've been v upset by it all and cope by reminding mysekf that she's always been emotionally cold. She ignores photos, doesn't call, didn't invite us for Christmas, saying we should go to mil.

I've no comfort for you other than to empathise with your pain (and disappointment) and to say you're not alone.

FWIW, all the psychologists say we should be concentrating on what our daughter's DO not what they look like :-)

TheThickPlottens · 13/06/2013 11:16

It's a bit of a comfort to me to see that others have the same treatment from their parents. I moved abroad before I had children and they've never met dd2 in the flesh. I Skype every forthright-ish and my DF is always too busy to even wave to the dcs. And by busy, I mean, gone out for a walk or hiding in another room. he's retired and has no hobbies.

My DM does talk to us but often stands us up. I've stopped telling DD when we have a call scheduled as she gets disappointed when DM doesn't turn up.

If I ring spontaneously, I get asked "what do you want? We're busy having tea, etc."

It hurts that they've such little interest. I wish it didn't and I wish I could figure it all out for everyone.

But DH s parents are fabulous, loving and live in this country so I just have to think that it's my parents loss.

Personally, OP, I'd stop bothering so much. But that's just me. I wouldn't think it was childish to not contact her for a while. You're hurting when you get no response from the texts so why hurt yourself by sending more?

HooverFairy · 13/06/2013 23:26

This is a bit different but I sent my mum pictures of LO all the time. When he was first born it was every day (pretty much! I know...) and my mum rarely used to acknowledge them. It really offended me, but then one day I bumped into one of her colleagues who congratulated me on our baby, she then went on to tell me how much my mum doted on LO and was telling me which photos she loved. It turns out mum was thrilled to receive the pictures and had shared them around the office, telling everyone all about him. She just didn't feel the need to reply, I don't understand why though! I didn't ask her, but I would have had the conversation with her had I not found this out.

Kiwiinkits · 14/06/2013 04:06

OP, I can understand you feeling a bit miffed but I think that a daily text of something your kids are doing is a bit OTT. Perhaps return texts (for her) cost a lot of money because she's not on a plan - i.e on prepay or similar? She may be thinking about the cost. So, unless you're prepared to ask her about it, YABU.

And. Something about having an iphone but not having email doesn't sound quite right to me!? Why bother having a smart phone when you're only texting (and not that often, either)? If she can't figure out email or maintain an email address, how the heck does she figure out all the aps?

DoodleAlley · 14/06/2013 04:43

Why don't you ask her if she wants to carry on receiving the photos? You could soften the question with something like " I know I send you quite a few photos of DD but I've no idea if you want them or if they just clog up your phone taking time to arrive/fill up your storage that you need for other things, do you want me to keep sending the photos?"

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