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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To make dd1 sign this contract?

23 replies

D0oinMeCleanin · 28/05/2013 12:17

It would read "I promise that when it is my birthday I will remember that dd2 let me help her with her craft things and let me play with her dolls and even said I could keep one of the dolls she got two of, even though mam said I should buy it off her with my pocket money, dd2 said no, she didn't want any money for it.

I will remember that I promised to share my presents with her and let her help me do any craft projects I get.

I will not break my promise."

Lovely dd2 shares every birthday present she gets and is so gracious about it, she even lets dd1 open the boxes. When it is dd1's birthday everything is hers and hers alone and dd2 is not allowed to touch anything, under any circumstances. I remind dd2 of this every year and every year she says the same thing "It's okay, I like to share with dd1, so she doesn't get sad because it's not her birthday. I won't mind when she doesn't share her presents because she still invites me to her party so I still have a fun day"

Dd1 thinks this is unnecessary. She will remember and she will share but she won't share her best present, only the other ones

OP posts:

HerrenaHarridan · 28/05/2013 12:19

Yanbu, I would totally do it!

littlewhitebag · 28/05/2013 12:22

How old are your children? It sounds, quite frankly, ridiculous to ask her to do this. They are obviously very different in nature and this is just how it is. My two are very different and DD2 is much more eager to share than DD1. I may have told DD1 to be nicer to her sister but i would not have asked her to sign anything.

SPsCliffingAllOverMN · 28/05/2013 12:24

Do it

Mumsyblouse · 28/05/2013 12:49

I think making them share birthday presents is silly in the first place, it's the one day they get to really get spoilt and have what they want and expecting this sharing is setting up a clear dynamic (which your very lovely but probably quite astute dd2 has noticed) in which dd1 is the 'bad' one and dd2 is the good one. As far as I am concerned, dd2 should share if she feels like it, not to get it back at dd1's birthday, that's not actually true generosity.

Just let them sort it out themselves, and keep an eye on positively rewarding dd2 for sharing all the time, some kids love to share, some don't want to, but I don't think sharing birthday presents should be expected.

NotYoMomma · 28/05/2013 12:49

I would, having seen the effects of DN having never been dealt with properly. Her sister just gets trodden on and used :(

Very sad

Original poster

D0oinMeCleanin · 28/05/2013 12:55

It was dd1 who kept saying she will return the favour even though it is a blatant lie. Even dd2, who is only 6, knows it is a blatant lie. Dd1 appears to be quite convinced that she really will share when it is her birthday, dd2 is not so convinced and is just giving her appeasing smiles and nods

I don't make them share anything, in fact I do the opposite, I constantly remind dd2 that she does not have to share anything.

I never mentioned sharing, I just walked in to find them both making dd2's design your own bag kit and heard dd1 enthusing about how when it's her birthday she will ask for a jewellery making kit to share. The only time dd1 ever shares anything with anyone is when she's saving up brownie points for an unreasonable, future request she has in mind

OP posts:

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 28/05/2013 12:59

That is worth a try! DD2 does sound generous and open-hearted.

What is the age gap? I was a big sister. Ime anything more than 5 years the take-but-don't-reciprocate thing is partly "Don't touch you'll break my stuff" and partly a desire to still be able to 'play' like a carefree younger child.

Not to cast a glum note and ignore if I'm reading too much into it but if there's any bullying at school or in DD1's social group there is sometimes an extra dimension of exercising power at home, feeling bigger and stronger. Just a thought.

Original poster

D0oinMeCleanin · 28/05/2013 13:03

There's a 3 and half year gap, dd2 has just turned 6, dd1 will be 10 in December.

She has been bullied in the past but normally looks to dd2 for back-up, dd2 is far more confident outside the house and has been known to threaten bullies with her "beatin' stick" that keeps hidden in the corner of the green opposite our house

OP posts:

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 28/05/2013 13:03

I would actually step in and stop the youngest from doing bits of this. eg she must open her gifts. The older one must step back. After your younger one has opened her gifts, had a look at them and had the attention, if she then wishes to share, fair enough.

Do they get on normally? Does your youngest idolise her older sister? Is your younger one included by your elder one? Is this an attempt to get some, I dunno, love, affection, attention? from her? I'm sure they do love each other, I'm not saying they don't. But I know how siblings can be. The older one irritated by the usurper the younger one following the older one round, wanting to be like them, wanting their attention.

heymammy · 28/05/2013 13:06

Eeek, my DDs sound exactly the same Dooin. They are 9 & 6. Dd1 can be spectacularly selfish/bossy and tramples all over dd2 who is generally more kind. They are very different in nature and I find it very hard to Butt Out where their relationship is concerned, but they do need to work it through themselves. I only step in if one or other is getting too upset/wound up.

Since dd2 was born dd1 has managed to thrown a hissy fit of some sort on dd2's birthday, she is jealous of whatever gift dd2 has received and all the attention she is getting EVEN THOUGH we have had The Chat with her in private beforehand

I'm not sure i would make her sign something but I would consider making a wee video on my phone and casually drop it in to conversation

seeker · 28/05/2013 13:08

I would actually stop the younger one sharing her presents like this, however sweet it is. It's her birthday- why should she be bullied like this?

HoHoHoNoYouDont · 28/05/2013 13:08

I'm with Hecsy in that you should step in and make it clear that the older one must step back.

She needs to learn that other people will be in the spotlight sometimes and she's not entitled to a share in everything.

Mumsyblouse · 28/05/2013 13:10

For a little child, getting your big sister to help you make a jewellery bag is a fun thing to do, they love the older one's attention, but unfortunately I don't think you can make sharing a condition of dd1 getting gifts, older ones don't always want to do things with little ones. If dd2's sister doesn't share the next time around, she can then either choose to share in that knowlege, or refuse.

I do agree that dd2 should be allowed to open all her own presents and not dd1. After that I think it's up to her what she chooses to do with them. I'm not in favour of parents intefering really with this- what are you going to do on dd1's birthday, stand there waving the contract and telling her off? If you are concerned about dd1's ways, have a chat with her separately about her behaviour with her sister, but this sounds like typical big sister/little sister stuff to me.

littlewhitebag · 28/05/2013 13:13

I don't disagree at all with stepping in to make sure DD2 is not trodden on by DD1. Over the years i have had to do this many a time. I just didn't think signing a contract seemed like a good plan!

If it is any consolation my two now get on very well at ages 20 and 15 but when they were younger DD1 was very mean to DD2.

QuintessentialOldDear · 28/05/2013 13:13

Our dc are quite similar, and we do like Hecsy. We step in and stop the younger from sharing and we wont let ds1 "help" ds2 with his toys....

Mumsyblouse · 28/05/2013 13:15

And- I've seen it with my dd2, they make the decision to share as all the adults say how lovely they are, and they get their big sister's attention as well. All that for the price of a present is worth it to them. She gets to be good, her sister gets to be the mean one. Children are cleverer than you think. If you want to break the dynamic, perhaps discuss with dd2 why it is not nice to immediately give away presents that people have just given her and help her store them in her room. But sharing a making/doing present is quite normal, I would have thought.

OxfordBags · 28/05/2013 13:15

I'm sure this is a well-meant idea, but I don't agree with it, sorry. Just because DD2 chooses quite happily to share stuff with her big sis, doesn't mean that DD1 has to be the same. If you're not careful, you will make her feel mean and bad just for not liking to share as much as her sister. She is allowed to not want to share, she is allowed to choose not to share. If DD2 shares and it's not reciprocated, then firstly you need to look at whether she is actually upset when DD1 chooses not to share or not. If she is not bothered, then you need to stop interfering, because all you'll achieve is making DD1 feel ashamed of her choices and personality not to share so much and you'll actually alert DD2 to the notion that she should be upset at DD1 not sharing when she doesn't care. If DD2 does get upset, then you need to focus on that and work through it with her, rather than just force DD1 to share (and obviously find gentler ways of encouraging her to share). It sounds like DD2 really enjoys sharing, so it sounds like this is more of a problem for you! If you don't like DD1 not sharing as much as her sister and you think it's unfair, but she doesn't actually mind, then you need to work on your feelings, not try to change DD1.

When you are the eldest child, you have sharing thrust upon you, without you having a say in it. All older children have been only children at some stage, and had some internal understanding of the world that involved their possessions being for just them (apart from any sharing when relatives or friends came round). Subsequent children generally find it easier to share because they have never experienced what it's like to not share life and possessions with a sibling. As adults, we know that we should share, and that's it's not fair if someone doesn't when other do, but we have to also know that children are not adults. It can be annoying and frustrating having to share when you're 60, never mind 8 or whatever!

Also, children's understanding of sharing and feeling like they want to, or should do, actually kicks in much later than people think. Or would like.

If she doesn't like to share and previously hasn't, then it is likely she won't stick to the contract. That could create huge shame in herself and resentment towards you for insisting on it, and make a real mountain out a molehill. If you get a bee in your bonnet about this, you could create what you fear and make her so hateful and resentful about the concept of sharing that it makes her totally selfish. If she's an otherwise nice kid and good sister, then forget the contract. There's easier, kinder, gentler and, most importantly, much more win-win ways to encourage her to share.

Original poster

D0oinMeCleanin · 28/05/2013 13:24

They're very close generally. All the kids round here tend to play in two big groups one group has all the 'little kids' in all aged from around 4 - 10 with a few 11 and 12 yo 'helpers' who seem to like encouraging and aiding the younger ones in their games and then there's the teenagers, so they have the same friends outside of school.

OP posts:

OutragedFromLeeds · 28/05/2013 13:25

I'd focus on encouraging DD1 to share rather than telling DD2 to not share.

I wouldn't do the contract thing though, I'd let them work it through themselves whilst gently encouraging DD1 to share and DD2 to stand up for herself if necessary.

TheCraicDealer · 28/05/2013 13:26

...has been known to threaten bullies with her "beatin' stick" that keeps hidden in the corner of the green opposite our house

I love your DD.

IKnowWhat · 28/05/2013 13:30

I would make her sign

....I would also tell her to step back when it's DD2's birthday. She is old enough to know that it is nt her birthday.

mrsjay · 28/05/2013 13:34

I dont think they need to share birthday presents if they dont want too maybe Im being harsh but it does sound like your youngest feels a bit intimidated by her sister , dont make her sign anything you are making it an issue , imo

youarewinning · 28/05/2013 13:46

My sister and I were the same - I loved sharing with her and wanting her to help me, she couldn't bear me looking at touching her stuff. I am DD1 and she is DD2.

For me it was wanting my sister to love me - or at least show it. We also played alot together as similar street set up to yours it seems, but she always bossed me around, controlled me in some way and she certainly would have been the one bandishing the idea of a beating stick around.

I agree with the above posters who say leave well alone, remind your DD2 not to 'share' etc just to expect something back and that she can say no, refuse if she so wishes. Jut be careful not to suddenly think badly of DD2 when she does decide not to share and DD1 kicks up a fuss - the easy going child can seem badly behaved when they change their ways, even when all there doing is acting the same as others around them.

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