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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be peed off at bil?

22 replies

Ashoething · 26/05/2013 17:39

Dh has no friends apart from his brother-he says he doesn't mind but I think its due to him being very shy.

Dh rarely goes out-maybe once a year for a curry with work collegues. He used to occasionally go for a pint with bil but bil has other friends and never invites dh now.

Bil comes round today to drop of dcs birthday present and mentions that he is going to see The Who next month. Dh asks he if he can go and bil says no as he is going with sil,her sister and dh.

Dh looked so crestfallen-I know he would have loved to go to the gig with bil.

Am I bu to be peed off at bil for not inviting him?

OP posts:

Sirzy · 26/05/2013 17:45

Yab a bit u.

As an adult I am sure your DH realises he can't tag along to everything. If it is so important then why don't you get tickets and take him?

AgentZigzag · 26/05/2013 17:48

Why does your BIL going with SIL/her sister/her DH mean your DH can't go?

Your BIL is right to say no if he doesn't want your DH to go, for whatever reason, it's the advice that'd be given out on here if someone asked, I still feel sorry for your DH though.

Can he not go anyway? He doesn't need to go with your BIL.

Original poster

Ashoething · 26/05/2013 17:49

He doesn't tag along sirzy

He and his brother used to go out until bil got new friends and pretty much dumped dh.

I offered to go with dh but he said no as he knows I would hate it-not my cup of tea at all.

OP posts:

ByTheWishingWell · 26/05/2013 17:51

Your BIL is under no obligation to invite your DH along to everything.

However, I can entirely understand you feeling a bit miffed because you're protective of your DH and don't want to see him looking unhappy. Would you be able to get tickets and take him? You could maybe suggest to your BIL that you all meet for a drink before/after the gig.

TigerSwallowTail · 26/05/2013 17:53

Yabu, perhaps your bil has realised that fit some reason your Dh doesn't gel well with his friends.

sirzy has a good idea, you could get some tickets for you both and mention to bil about catching up either before or during the concert as yous have both decided to go together too.

Original poster

Ashoething · 26/05/2013 17:54

Think we have crossed posts bythe-dh does not want to go with me as he knows I would hate it.

I have suggested that he asks some of the guys he works with but I don't know if he will. Dh is by nature a very private person and I think he finds it really hard to let people in-hence being in the no friends situation.

OP posts:

ByTheWishingWell · 26/05/2013 17:57

Yeah, X post, sorry.

Could you try arranging a night out with you, your DH, and your BIL and SIL, doing something that's suitable for all of you?

Original poster

Ashoething · 26/05/2013 17:59

Reading it back I have made it sound as if dh is a socially inept loner and he really isn't!

He is outwardly very confident-has to be with his job-and when he goes out with his work mates he has a good time and can be the life and soul.

He just struggles with maintaining close friendships as I believe he is scared of showing people how truly shy he is deep down.

I guess I am just peed at bil because he can be an arse and he has form for letting dh down. For example before he got these new friends he used to come round to ours all the time to watch the footie and have a few beers. Now we only see him occasionally at mils.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ashoething · 26/05/2013 18:01

We have done exactly that in that past bythe-but tbh sil and I am are not close and I know she prefers to go out with her own sister-perfectly acceptable of course.

I could suggest it of course but it wont happen.

OP posts:

Trills · 26/05/2013 18:03

YABU to be annoyed with an adult for not inviting another adult to join them at an event.

fedupofnamechanging · 26/05/2013 18:05

I think your bil was being a bit of a git and there is no way I would be asking to meet up for drinks - bil has made it clear he'd sooner socialise elsewhere.

The time will come though, when bil needs your dh and your dh will be quite justified in telling him to bog off and ask his mates instead!

CloudsAndTrees · 26/05/2013 18:07

Your BIL is going out with his wife and her sister and husband. Why on earth do you think your DH should have had an invite?

BIL is allowed to do things with other people. I know it much hurt to see your DH feel disappointed and maybe a little rejected by his brother, but BIL hasn't done anything wrong. Even if the two brothers don't see each other much socially any more, relationships change and evolve, and it's natural for people to have times in their lives where they see more or less of family.

Original poster

Ashoething · 26/05/2013 18:07

Thanks karma-it pisses me off because dh idolises his brother-even though he is actually the oldest-and I feel like basically bil doesn't really give a shit.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ashoething · 26/05/2013 18:09

cloud-bil knows dh is a fan of The who-would it have killed him to ask dh if he wanted to go? I don't think so.

OP posts:

midoriway · 26/05/2013 18:19

You need to stop thinking about it terms of your BIL going, and more that it is an event 2 sisters are going to, and dragging their husbands along with them. Grown-ups have different sets of social circles and are under no obligation to always try and mix them up. Who is organising the event? Is your BIL always meant to petition for an invite for your DH?

The problem is not your BIL, but that your DH does not have a wide enough circle of mates to call on. Is he always this passive when it comes to organising social events? Why couldn't he have jumped up and asked your BIL if he wanted to go see The Who when the concerts were announced last year, you know, get in first.

TigerSwallowTail · 26/05/2013 18:32

Has your husband said/done something to your bil to make him not want to hang around with your husband and meet up as much anymore?

NotSoNervous · 26/05/2013 18:35

Why don't you get surprise tickets for you and your DH to go together

soaccidentprone · 26/05/2013 18:45

Maybe he said no 'cos it's sold out, or they have allocated seating, an if your dh did get a ticket he wouldn't be sitting with his db.

Maybe you need to look at the wider picture. If you dh feels the lack of friends then he needs to do something about it. If it you that thinks he needs friends, but your dh isn't fussed, then you are the one with a problem, as your dh is obviously happy with the status quo.

But it sounds as though your dh does want to go out every now and again, so he either needs to bite the bullet and start being more sociable, or maybe he needs to see someone who he can talk to, to help him change his patterns of behaviour.

Original poster

Ashoething · 26/05/2013 18:45

midori-no it was definitely not a case of sil and her sister going-they do like The who at all! They probably invited themselves to keep an eye on the two of them-they are big dope smokers.

Dh has done nothing to upset or offend bil.

OP posts:

CloudsAndTrees · 26/05/2013 18:46

No, it wouldn't have killed him, obviously. But he had three other people to think of, and they were going in couples. It's known that its not your thing so if he had asked your DH, it would have changed the dynamic of the group.

I understand that you are feeling bad for your DH, I would feel the same, but your BIL is not obliged to invite his brother to any event he goes to that his brother might enjoy just because he doesn't have much social life of his own.

It might sound harsh, but it's true. Your BIL has done nothing wrong. Put your energy into thinking of a nice treat you could do for your DH that will make him feel better.

maddening · 26/05/2013 18:49

You go with him?

Bobyan · 26/05/2013 18:57

Maybe he has already bought seated tickets and doesn't want the hassle of trying to change them to accommodate your dh.
Maybe your bil finds your dh's "idolising" him too much and wants him to make an effort to find his own friends.

Either way your dh isn't your bil's problem.
There are other options which have been suggtested, if he was that keen on going he would.

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