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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit pissed off with friend? Or does she have a point?

50 replies

VelvetSpoon · 26/05/2013 12:38

Said friend has form for being a bit blunt. The sort of person who would tell you that you looked fat in an outfit (while other people might dress it up as 'it's not that flattering' kind of thing). So, you get an idea what she's like.

Was talking to her today about a man I've been seeing for a while, and that he wasn't ready to get into anything serious, etc, and she said 'that's probably because of what a state your house is'

to which I was , slightly thought she was joking but knowing her, thought she might well be being genuine and she carried on to say she couldn't see any man getting involved with me long term, because they wouldn't be able to live in my house as it is, and no-one would want to do the amount of work that's needed to someone else's house.

My house is a state (unfinished DIY project) but I didn't think it was that bad. (I also don't at all think it's a factor with this particular man but that's perhaps rather by the by) However I am a bit worried maybe I have lived with it so long I have no concept of what is normal. And one of my Ex's big things that he always put me down about was the state of the house and garden...so am left feeling a bit uncertain now really.

OP posts:

Groovee · 26/05/2013 12:41

[shocked]

You should have replied with "Did you mean to be so rude!"

lottieandmia · 26/05/2013 12:41

Well, if a friend said that to me I would make a mental note that actually they were not friend and cut them out tbh.

Life is too short to choose to have negative, critical 'friends'.

CrapsWithBears · 26/05/2013 12:43

Would you want to be a man who was more concerned with the state of your house than you?

SIBU.

Anomaly · 26/05/2013 12:45

I'd have a think if I were you.

I personally wonder a bit how people have ongoing projects that never end. If you're chipping away at it as time and money allows fair enough.

PurplePidjin · 26/05/2013 12:45

She's not blunt, she's rude. Try giving her a taste of her own medicine - if you bother seeing her again. I wouldn't, that's not a friend imo!

foslady · 26/05/2013 12:46

My God - she's awful. It's one thing being 'blunt', it's another just being damn rude!

Original poster

VelvetSpoon · 26/05/2013 12:48

I have tried the 'did you mean that to sound so rude' before, and her response was she was just being honest!

She has been a very good friend to me in the past so I tend to overlook this stuff, but today did catch me a bit by surprise.

I am looking round my house now thought thinking what is she was right?

OP posts:

SnapCackleFlop · 26/05/2013 12:50

It's not as though it's a dowry!

The friend sounds very insensitive (or to go with her language (a bit of a bitch). I'd be seriously worried if someone liked me more or less on the basis of my house or anything similar.

Floggingmolly · 26/05/2013 12:53

If he's a typical bloke he won't even notice the state of your house, once the basic amenities are there. If he's a finicky little fecker who puts a hanky on a chair seat before he sits down, dump him fast.
Dump your "friend" too.

sweetsummerlove · 26/05/2013 12:57

I used to have a friend like this. We'd been bf's for a long time and I owed her alot (or so I felt) for her loyal friendship. Because of this I made lots of excuses over her behaviour to those who did not like her. After dc etc things became more strained as I grew up and felt much stronger within myself. I just realised I didn't need that negativity or added stress. ...it hurts me that we have drifted so far apart and is not how I expected things to pan out, I imagined our dc growing up together, but alas. I am so much happier for realising my life is not held together by 'friends'.
The past year I have grown closer to old friends and met new people, I now have a small handful of really lovely friends. We all respect one another and know that life is busy. We could easily go weeka without snatching five minutes to chat but when we do its like we saw each other yesterday. Its been a bit of a revelation. .who knew friendships really could be so simple.

somthing to think about. ....Your friend sounds very mean.

mandyrobertson76 · 26/05/2013 12:58

Well she is rude but a real man will not even notice the state of you home if he loves you it's because of who you are not where you live.
My husband took me and my three kids on seven yrs ago and my house and garden was a mess.
Now it's beautiful because he made it a home for us all.

Original poster

VelvetSpoon · 26/05/2013 12:59

To explain a bit re the house, 10 years ago, my Ex started an extension doubling the size of the original house. That meant replastering every room (including original house), rewiring, all new doorframes, skirting, etc. Plus new kitchen, 2 new bathrooms and landscaping the garden. None of it got finished (though some bits are more done than others). When I kicked him out 3 years ago, he'd put in most of one bathroom, done the kitchen, but a lot of the other rooms were half-painted (he used to do a bit then get bored). I have done a little myself since but barely made a dent in it, partly because I'm crap and lazy , and partly because we still haven't agreed anything financially over the house so the more I improve it, the more I'll have to pay him for his share. But it does mean I live in a bit of a building site.

The man in question btw has only ever said that it's a lovely house. unlike previous dates who have asked stuff like why I need such a big house, who pays for it (me!) and wouldn't I be happier in a new build...

OP posts:

YouStayClassySanDiego · 26/05/2013 13:02

She's rude and dressing it up as being honest. I wouldn't want to be friends with her and be spoken to like that.

lukymum · 26/05/2013 13:08

She sounds blunt and a bit hurtful. And what she said about the relationship is probably rubbish. But......

As someone who's home was a dump when I moved in, there's a LOT to be said for unfinished homes. When we live in them we don't see how it appears from the outside, especially if we're not particularly tidy ourselves. It's not finished, need new door handles, painting etc but my home is habitable and I'm no longer embarrassed to invite people.
Looking round do you feel comfortable in your home. Forget her awful crass comment. Think could my home feel more homely, maybe I can finish some of this up. But only if it's important to you. A guy shouldn't care (but ofcourse it will make a difference in long run to someone who likes tidy spaces). Sorry she was rude to you, and with time you can work out what you want to do about your friendship.

elfycat · 26/05/2013 13:10

When I met Dh my house was a mess, half decorated, junk everywhere (I think I still had unpacked boxes from 2 years before).

He built shelves, went round second hand furniture stores and helped me carry stuff back home. Then my junk had somewhere to live. He painted rooms. I paid for everything as it was my house and he did the work, often while I was at work so I could come home and have 'wow' moments. He taught me that you can hang un-ironed clothes up so they don't lay around the house and get even more crinkly. I iron before wearing and half the creases fall out now.

So it's not going to stop you doing anything you want withing a relationship.

YANBU, she's got people trained into a habit of accepting her rudeness. Saved her the effort of learning to engage her brain and be thoughtful in her comment. LTB itch perhaps not but I'd call her out on the next blunt comment.

PurplePidjin · 26/05/2013 13:11

"Did you mean to be so rude?" "I was just being honest" " Well it sounded very rude, I hope you're not trying to insult me?"

Who gives a shit what your house looks like? It's your problem not hers (unless it's dangerous for your dc in which case SS might be more appropriate anyway!)

If she's so keen, why isn't she round yours with the dust sheets and sandpaper - that's friendship!

lukymum · 26/05/2013 13:13

Just read your next comment. Think you need to see a solicitor, take photos, and then when you make improvements deduct this from the money given to him. Both for costs and effort.
DIY is awful, but I get through it by a room a term or 6monthly. But I can't see or speak to friends or do anything while I finish. Then heypresto it's over before you know it.

changeforthebetter · 26/05/2013 13:17

I have realised that not only do I have a track record of picking such men, I have also let "friends" treat me like this. Bullies look for likely victims. If a partner likes you, he won't give a shiney shit about your house. If he's not that keen then so be it. Tis life. Move on and maybe spend some time thinking about why you might be prone to such people (too much self-deprecation?)

FamiliesShareGerms · 26/05/2013 13:24

It's nonsense that a decent bloke (ie the only sort worth having a long term relationship with) would be out off by an unfinished house. But... Your friend may have a point that your house isn't a healthy environment to be living in. None of us here can tell whether she was being rude or honest, as we don't know what it is really like, but maybe worth having a think about how you can tackle it bit by bit to get it finished? What lukymum suggests re photos sounds sensible.

Newrowsees · 26/05/2013 13:28

I'd like to have a friend like her (just the one though!). My sister is honest to a fault too, and there are times when I really appreciate it. It's all very well lying to yourself to make yourself feel better, but every so often I do like a reality check. If your house isn't a pleasant place for others to spend time in, then maybe it's good to know so you can address the situation in future, how ever you see fit...?

Original poster

VelvetSpoon · 26/05/2013 13:35

I have got some bits done - I've had doors put up (there were no internal doors when the Ex left), had one of the loos plumbed in, and cleared out a room which was full of bits of carpet and old furniture , and some painting. Downstairs is generally fairly habitable, although all the woodwork needs finishing off/painting, and some of the walls (which were done properly about 7 years ago) could use redecorating. Upstairs is more of a work in progress and not great. there are so many little (and big) things to do though that even if I just stuck to the stuff that wouldn't make much difference to the house value, I'm not sure where to start.

Re the financial side, we've both already been told neither of us can really claim for the improvements, what Ex is entitled to will just be based on current value, less mortgage, and my deposit etc, rest split 50/50. Hence wanting to keep the current value as low as possible, because as I get no money for the DC from him (which is a whole other story in itself!) I slightly resent giving him anything.

OP posts:

Unami · 26/05/2013 17:35

I agree that your friend sounds like she is being rude. But...I would not want to move into a partner's house if it was in a very unfinished state AND there was no prospect of it being improved due to an ongoing legal dispute. That doesn't preclude a relationship becoming more serious, though. Just that I wouldn't want to live in a 'work-in-progress' that wasn't actually making any progress.

Also, I may be wrong here, but I'm wondering if the unfinished state of the house is kind of symbolic of other unfinished matters. I mean, the legal situation with your ex is having a visible, everyday effect on your living situation - I guess I wouldn't want to move into a situation which was strongly influenced by a partner's ex-partner.

Sorry, just trying to provide another perspective. No way that we can really tell though, without seeing it.

Numberlock · 26/05/2013 17:42

Take the positive out of the situation and use it as the catalyst you need to get things sorted. (for you not a man obv.)

Break it down into small manageable chunks so you can see some quick wins on the road to completion.

BookFairy · 26/05/2013 17:45

Plates of mouldy food everywhere, overspilling bins etc would make your house a state! Unfinished decorating wouldn't bother me. Your 'friend' is being unnecessarily harsh, especially given the situation with your ex. SIBU.

Tincletoes · 26/05/2013 18:20

Well it's what BookFairy said I think. Decoration needed - not a problem. Really skanky house with mould on plates and crap everywhere - agree it would put someone off.

It's v hard to say without actually seeing the house!

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