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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect db and ds to share a room?

39 replies

HalfBakedCleverCookie · 23/05/2013 21:01

Genuine question as I really don't know.

Db is 20 and officially lives with us. He spends 3 nights a week here on average and 4 nights at his girlfriends. He has his own room.

Ds is 8 and shares a room with Dd 5 and dsd 5 who cones 2 nights a week.

Would I be unreasonable to ask Db to share with ds and then Dd and dsd would have a room to share?

OP posts:
Tomorrowslookingfine · 23/05/2013 21:05

Does he pay rent?

looseleaf · 23/05/2013 21:06

Of course not, is my reaction. It's your house and your family to take care of? And you sound very kind to have your DB there (I'm assuming he doesn't pay rent?)

BrianButterfield · 23/05/2013 21:07

Can't imagine it'd be much fun for either of them. Plus isn't 20-yo likely to have stuff lying around that isn't suitable for a typical 8-yo to be fiddling with (not necessarily dodgy, but even aerosol deodorants, phones/iPods/tablets, lighters...)

DiscoDonkey · 23/05/2013 21:08

If he is paying reasonable rent then Yabu, if not then he should be. Not sure either situation is fair on you DS though.

Original poster
HalfBakedCleverCookie · 23/05/2013 21:10

He pays 30£ per week in rent from his wages which covered the amount of hb we lost while I was on maternity leave.

Db has lived with me since he was 15.

Ds has Hia own tablet so wouldn't touch stuff Like that but I accept that is a fair point.

OP posts:
Snazzywaitingforsummer · 23/05/2013 21:21

Is your brother working towards moving out at some point, or is that not on the cards? How about contributions to food, bills etc?

MoominsYonisAreScary · 23/05/2013 21:23

I wouldn't, ds1 is 18 and ds2 is 10 and I wouldn't have them share although we have just moved and ds2 is now sharing with ds3 who is 2

Original poster
HalfBakedCleverCookie · 23/05/2013 21:31

He and his girlfriend want to but a house at some point but aren't seriously saving or anything.

thanks moomins, having ds and Dd wouldn't bother me so much if Db was here full time but the room is empty half the week. Either situation is not ideal tho.

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 23/05/2013 21:38

Does your brother have a girlfriend who actually believes that HB/ dwp/hmrc really do have a rule that says he's is able to cohabit with her for only a few days a week with out breaking any rules?

Yabu. Its not fair on your son and its not fair on the brother.

kinkyfuckery · 23/05/2013 21:40

I would. If they were siblings, they could quite easily have to share a room with a similar age difference. Do you think he would respect that he would have to 'behave' himself if sharing a room with your DS?

HopALongMcLimpyLegs · 23/05/2013 21:45

If you want him to move out, it will probably do the trick.

Original poster
HalfBakedCleverCookie · 23/05/2013 21:49

Sock, db's girlfriend lives with her parents, there are no rules being broken. Db stays with them wed - Sunday then comes back here Sunday pm.

Kinky, I think he would behave, he is a really nice lad, never given me any problems. I'm not worried about any problems, just not sure if its fair for him to give up his own room.

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 23/05/2013 22:08

That's good news for some weird reason my offices have been over run by people who think they have a rule that your gf/ bf can stay with you up to 3 nights and its ok. I have no idea why people think this but I've had so many I'm now asking random strangers in between bouts of hiding in the loo.

Original poster
HalfBakedCleverCookie · 23/05/2013 22:16

I always thought there was a rule like that but I haven't had need to research it before. We only claimed hb when dp got made redundant whilst I was on mat leave so he was already living here.

OP posts:
MoominsYonisAreScary · 23/05/2013 22:43

Are you in council/ha or private renting?

IneedAsockamnesty · 23/05/2013 23:06

Moomins why does that matter?

MoominsYonisAreScary · 23/05/2013 23:16

Because My friend was in ha and once the eldest became 18 they moved them to a 2 bedroom as they class it as an adult sharing with a child, was just thinking that in a few years when the ops ds/dd are too old to share they might move them or rehouse the db if he is still there and in a low wage.

My old next door neighbours son was on our ha list and moved to a 1 bed flat once they we're classed as over crowded.

TigerSwallowTail · 23/05/2013 23:38

No I wouldn't do it, tabu, a 20 year old shouldn't have to share a room with an 8 year old.

Cloverer · 23/05/2013 23:49

A 20 year old and 8 year old sharing isn't ideal, but then neither is an 8 year old and two 5 year olds when one room is empty half the week...

I think your DS and the DDs will need separate rooms in the next couple of years, so maybe it is time to give your brother a date to move out - maybe in a year?

Original poster
HalfBakedCleverCookie · 24/05/2013 07:54

We are in a private rent. Db doesn't want to move out into a rented place because he and his girlfriend want to save for a mortgage. They aren't saving regularly though so its not going to be in the next few years.

I agree that neither option is ideal so thought we would go with the best in a bad bunch so to speak.

It would seem that ds & Dd & dsd are destined to share.

OP posts:
looseleaf · 24/05/2013 08:12

Would you consider a word with DB to say you think DS could do with his own room so he thinks (hopefully) more seriously about sharing? I'd word it something like whenever you're ready and have saved enough I think it was do DS good to have his own room eventually.

looseleaf · 24/05/2013 08:13

Saving I meant, not sharing!

samandi · 24/05/2013 08:17

I think it's pretty unfair on an 8 year old to share with a 20 year old, especially if it's an arrangement that's going to be carrying on potentially for the next few years. Your brother is old enough to sort himself out and £30 is a pathetic weekly rent.

Xmasbaby11 · 24/05/2013 08:21

adult share with child? No. YANBU. That's not fair on either of them.

Yonihadtoask · 24/05/2013 08:22

Well, I had to share a room with my dsis. I was 10 when she was born. I had my own room until then. I left home at 18. It was difficult having to clamber into my bunk bed at 2am after lots of lager..

Soon your younger dc won't be of the age for room sharing. So something will have to change.

Agree that you need to have a word with DB, that you will need to move DS into his room and what are his intentions.

It could spur on his savings plan.