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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to make dd pay for her swimming lesson?

26 replies

ditavonteesed · 11/05/2013 09:16

dh has phoned me she is having a paddy and refusing to go becasue I didnt dry her costume from yesterday and she has to wear another one. would IBU to make her pay for the lesson, she is 9.5yo

OP posts:
gobbin · 11/05/2013 09:19

I just wouldn't let her go. Can't see why making her pay equates to the paddy over the costume to be honest. If she paddies again, I'd stop the lessons completely. Tough love in this house!

HollyBerryBush · 11/05/2013 09:21

I don't understand why?

CloudsAndTrees · 11/05/2013 09:21

I would. I've made my ds pay for a private music lesson at school that he 'forgot' to go to. Strangely enough, his memory has been better since then.

Original poster
ditavonteesed · 11/05/2013 09:24

I dont really know what has happened as I am not there, but dh said she had a tantrum becasue she had the wrong costume and has refused to go in. I cant stop lessons, she is possibly dsypraxic and the swimming has really helped her although it has taken her a very long time to get to where she is with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
ditavonteesed · 11/05/2013 09:25

she went swimming with school yesterday and I didnt have time to dry her costume last night as I was really busy.

OP posts:
DeepRedBetty · 11/05/2013 09:27

I think she's too young for this sanction. Dtd1 is on a warning that the next time she misses an instrument lesson due to 'forgetting' she will be paying for it herself, but she's 14.

COCKadoodledooo · 11/05/2013 09:28

Ds1 (also 9, but this has been the case since starting in Y2) is aware that if he misses after school football (paid termly in advance) through his own fault/decision (forgetting kit/cba to play etc) then he has to pay us back for the missed session. I don't think YABU.

EllaFitzgerald · 11/05/2013 09:29

Does she have a particular issue with the costume she has with her? Or is it just that she prefers the other one?

kelda · 11/05/2013 09:31

What is the spare costume like?

I can kind of understand her. Swimming costumes are very exposing and I know I feel very self concious if I wear one that I don't like.

My girls have lessons on two consective days of the week. They both have two nice costumes. We go swimming a lot so it's writh them all having more then one decent costume.

Original poster
ditavonteesed · 11/05/2013 09:32

I let her off with forgetting her guitar lessons at school as thats one of those things, its the tantrum I am really annoyed about, if anyone knows me they will remember we have had so many problems with her tantrums over the years but they had stopped (or just turned into minor strops) I dont want to start on this road again we were all so miserable last year.

OP posts:
Mumsyblouse · 11/05/2013 09:33

Sounds quite old for a full blown paddy- is this normal for her? Is she very tired, or on the verge of being ill? Does this happen often? If she is having lots of paddies and it's a test to see what you are going to do about it- be harsher. If it's a one-off, I'd sit down when she gets back and ask her what's going on and make it clear if it happens again- she'll be paying/not going/whatever your punishment is.

Original poster
ditavonteesed · 11/05/2013 09:36

she did have anger issues, but they have been under control for the last 9 months, she has had theraplay at school and a lot of work on this stuff at home. its not a test, it was never as simple as that, she used to lose control and it would take her hours to get back under control, this sounds like it was quite short.

OP posts:
Mumsyblouse · 11/05/2013 09:37

I think it really depends then, on her and the way you are working on the tantrums in general- are they due to strong-will, or complete frustration. I am probably a softy but if one of my girls has a complete paddy, it's rarely manipulative, more that they've got overwhelmed by emotion/lost control and although I do sanction if they do or say something bad in one, I tend to let it go. But they are not that common- my now 9 year old did have a lot of paddies aged 6/7 though so I do sympathize.

But- I would take her out of swimming if there was a repeat performance, I removed my eldest from music lessons and other classes because she was not wanting to go/making it very difficult to go and why should I pay for that?

Original poster
ditavonteesed · 11/05/2013 09:37

and I did wonder about the being ill (they are always ill the day after you get really annoyed with them arent they) she was being really grumpy with her dsis this morning.

OP posts:
Original poster
ditavonteesed · 11/05/2013 09:38

she usually loves swimming, and I really want her to be able to swim I think it is a non optional life lesson.

OP posts:
Mumsyblouse · 11/05/2013 09:39

dita- I would get her home and say 'what happened there?' Listen to her explanation- and then explain back that she had really improved but you are worried she's going backwards, and she won't be able to go to swimming if this continues.

It's not your fault that she had a paddy, but getting in a soggy swimming costume is horrible, as is perhaps wearing a too small one as a substitute, this is exactly the kind of thing my dd1 would kick off about, if tired/upset/not fully on top of things.

Mumsyblouse · 11/05/2013 09:41

If she normally likes it, normally doesn't paddy, is normally happy- I would assume that something went wrong this week (tired/ill) and not be too hard about it, but give a warning for next week. I am obviously a push-over!

BarbarianMum · 11/05/2013 09:44

Swimming lessons are non-negotiable in this house. They have to go til they are strong swimmers (0.5 km non stop, in the stroke of their choice). It is the only activity I insist on - everything else is their choice.

This is a very expensive undertaking. If they were to refuse a lesson/mess around so we are late they have to pay for it. They are 5 and 7, so paying it back at £1 week (their pocket money) is a big deal.

So I don't think YABU (unless she does turn out to be ill, in which case yes I'd cut a bit of slack).

Original poster
ditavonteesed · 11/05/2013 09:48

the other cossie does fot her, it just isnt her favourite (which is soggy)

OP posts:
newbiefrugalgal · 11/05/2013 09:55

I think have the chat when she gets home, see how she is tonight tomorrow.
Maybe say you will think about it to to tonight/talk over with DH and chat again tomorrow.

I really do like the idea of making dc pay cost of missed activity. Sometimes they really don't understand how expensive these activities are.

MortifiedAdams · 11/05/2013 10:05

She is 9. Just about the right age to take responsibility for unpacking her swimbag and putting her swimsuit on the radiator to dry for the next day. If its that inportant to her not to wear the other costume then give her the responsibility of it.

Original poster
ditavonteesed · 11/05/2013 10:07

ma thats a good idea, she was unamused with being charged, but we have had a lengthy discussion about how much these things cost and howw I am not paying £5 for her to paddy on the side if the pool

OP posts:
LegoLegoEverywhere · 11/05/2013 11:55

You say she's possibly dyspraxic so its possible she has autistic traits?

In which case talk to her about the other swimming costume. That the first one might not be ready in time so it would be best to use the second one if she's ok with that? My DS(7) has ASD and I used this logical coaxing for the same type of situation. But she needs to agree with the 'plan' rather than being told.

allmycats · 11/05/2013 12:04

At 9 is she becoming aware of her body and may she be feeling 'uncomfortable' in the spare swimsuit. ? I would find this out before you act.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 11/05/2013 12:09

At 9 she is also old enough to take her soggy costume out of her bag and hang it somewhere to dry the night before.

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