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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...in thinking my oh is a selfish pig?

22 replies

anonpost · 06/05/2013 10:40

We've got a 6 month old daughter. He works full time, I stay at home. He's never done a night feed, can count the number of times he's changed her nappy on both hands, blah blah. What's annoyed me is him being out on his hobby all day yesterday, now he's out at the races with his friends today. He doesn't get home from work until baby is asleep, he won't be home until late tonight.

Just venting!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 06/05/2013 10:41

yabu for "just venting"

Stop accepting being treated like the Hired Help.

pinkyredrose · 06/05/2013 10:52

Did you tell him he's a father now? He seems to be carrying on his life without including his family.

There's no earthly reason why he should get two whole days to himself while you stay home. When do you get you leisure time?

He's taking the piss.

CookieLady · 06/05/2013 10:53

YABU for putting up with his shitty behaviour. Stop being a doormat and get him to pull his weight more.

IneedAsockamnesty · 06/05/2013 10:53

He is taking the piss but you are letting him.

MrsBungle · 06/05/2013 10:59

Yanbu. He is a selfish pig.

Yabu for putting up with it tbh.

meglet · 06/05/2013 11:08

Yanbu. My XP was like that, he used to shout at me if I dared suggest he did more parenting.

You could try relate and if he refuses to buck his ideas up then decide whether you want to put up with him for another 20yrs. I didn't put up with it, I kicked mine out after a couple of years of piss-poor parenting.

meglet · 06/05/2013 11:10

I don't think it's fair calling the OP a doormat. Some men are assholes who will not change and will merrily carry on as if they don't have kids despite knowing damn well they should be doing more and the mother wants them to do more.

Original poster

anonpost · 06/05/2013 11:29

To be fair, I am acting like a doormat. I don't get any leisure time.

Need to have a proper talk with him later. Don't get me wrong, my baby is my world and I love the time we have together. Just be nice to be able to go swimming or something alone occasionally.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 06/05/2013 11:35

this won't improve if you don't tackle it

I expect you are still in the baby "honeymoon" phase

trust me, his selfishness will get very old when you still find yourself stuck at home with a 6 yo while he lives the life of a single man with no responsibilities

Shellywelly1973 · 06/05/2013 11:45

Its an easy situation to end up in. Of course you love your baby but her father needs to learn to care for her too.

Take it from me, i could have written your post 12 years ago... We are separating now. Our Dd is indifferent to her father. Its very sad.

Ledkr · 06/05/2013 11:52

A baby is hard work and most men rise to the challenge. However some choose not to and then it's up to their partners to either put up with it or not.
He is being a selfish prick and you would seriously be better alone so at least you could get on with your life.

CocacolaMum · 06/05/2013 13:55

is a baby hard work??!

Honestly if I worked full time and my DP expected me to do night feeds as well I would be royally pissed off. If he has to be at work during the day then where is the fairness in that?

I would let him know however that Friday night you are going out and he is on daddy duty.

Ledkr · 06/05/2013 14:22

Well yes I think they are extremely hard work.
Well my five certainly were.

Squitten · 06/05/2013 14:26

Well do something about it then! The only thing you are doing wrong is putting up with it

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/05/2013 14:58

Honestly if I worked full time and my DP expected me to do night feeds as well I would be royally pissed off. If he has to be at work during the day then where is the fairness in that?

I worked full time and did night feeds because DD was still waking in the night and BF when I went back to work. I did all of them, OP just wants her DH to do something with the baby.

Skelosia · 06/05/2013 15:36

I don't think the main issue is the lack of night feeds, but the fact that her DH just isn't around at all?

I think it is really unfair that most his time that he is not at work is spent outside the family home.

He works hard no doubt, and yes, he does deserve a break and to relax. But so do you! A lot of people think that it is a doddle raising a child, but it can be monotonous and boring too.

So, make plans yourself and get him to babysit. But also talk to him. How can he know what you want if you don't? Men are really rubbish mind readers, even the most attentive. So spell it out for him. If after all that he doesn't seem to want to work with you to improve the situation, then you really need to decide if he really is the man for you!

YoniOrNotYoni · 06/05/2013 15:50

Hes not really acting like a dad (or a partner) at all is he? What happens when you call him on it? What did he say about the races?

I think you need to be blunt and tell him this isn't on. He needs to take a full role in your family or ship out.

Tbf, dh took a while to get his head round being a dad and for the first six months kept booking things he would have done before without considering the impact on me and ds. He soon got told! Importantly, he also understood that if he carried on he'd be out on his ear.

ilikemysleep · 06/05/2013 21:40

While I was not working DH did not do night feeds (I breastfed anyway, so he couldn't) however he did spend a couple of particularly colicky nights driving a screaming child around the ring road until they went to sleep. I did and do expect him to contribute to nappy changes, play time etc and to prioritise family time. Everyone needs the occasional day away but it sounds like things do need to even up a bit in your house OP. Good luck!

dubstarr73 · 06/05/2013 21:51

I breastfed as well but my dp when he comes home gets the kids to bed.Thats my time as i have the kids during the day.He goes to them if they need anything.
It wasnt always like this he was like your dp.Until i started disengaging wouldnt nag.Just got up on a Saturday and did my own thing with teh kids.
He realised himself he was missing out so changed himself

Fairenuff · 06/05/2013 21:54

When I was a SAHP and dh was working full time, he still shared the night feeds. We were both working during the day, him out of the home, me in it. Just because I was looking after the children it didn't mean I wasn't working. It wasn't as if I could catch up on sleep like you can with a newborn.

The easy way to assess fairness, op, is to measure your leisure time. It should be equal.

samandi · 07/05/2013 08:35

Stop having babies with selfish men then.

Wishiwasanheiress · 07/05/2013 08:39

Yabu for venting on aibu which is generally a discussion area? Good luck with replies.... Not much to discuss as some of what you say is agreeable but your telling us not him! Where's the sense in that?! Tell him, tell us his response and then we can discuss :)

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