Yes I am being unreasonable but so what

[GreatBallsofFluff]

I work full time, am single and have no family nearby. I invite DD's friends around to play and due to work, this is always at the weekends. Usually I will take them to some activity (park, swimming etc) and more often than not it becomes a sleepover.

Here's where I'm being unreasonable. Nearly all reciprocal invites for DD are after school. It annoys me that I don't get the 'benefit' of not having DD here. Don't get me wrong DD is the most wonderful child ever but sometimes it would ne nice to have a sunny Saturday where I can just chill reading a book.

So I know IABU thinking that if someone has had your child for 24 hours then you should do the same.

I've noticed this trend gbf the problem I have is dd1 and dd2 never get invites on the same day, so I'm always left with one of them.

Actually YANBU for thinking if you have someone's child for 24 hours they should do the same.

If it was only for a couple of hours for tea then you would be unreasonable. I'd always have the boys friends over during the week after school as I'd rather do other things at the weekends. But I wouldn't think this was reasonable reciprocation for a sleepover!

Weekends are family time. I wouldnt want to be bothered with someone elses child/ren. That fact you arrange dates to suit you, and happens to be ata weekend, is your choosing.

YANBU it could be because their kids weekends are packed with tutors, activities, clubs etc but they they wouldn't be free to sleepover at yours. The other parents are just not thinking of how it might be for you, surprise. Could you drop a gentle hint?

I do feel for your but it's a tricky one.

One of the DH's friends mums works full time and wants to arrange stuff at the weekend but that's our family time so I tend not to arrange as much stuff then.

If you know the parents well you could just mention it, ask if its possible for a specific Saturday and see what they say. I'd react well to that. Like a lot of people I tend not to think of things until they are presented to me.

Yes hooky berry but they don't mind dumping their kids on her so not such precious family time.

Sorry, hollyberry, typo

I like hooky berry

The OP is dealing with one child. Otherr house holds may have shift workers and younger siblings/babies in, clubs, activities, other family commitments.

You cant always expect reciprocal agreements

Start refusing the sleepovers. Arrange for dd's friend to be picked up by, say 5-6pm on the same day. Maybe everyone is so used to you hosting the weekend, they don't feel they need to. The other one is to prime your dd so when she asks if x can stay over, it turns into her friend asking if your dd can stay over. My dd is particularly good at this. If I say she can't have a friend over, her and friend come and ask if dd can go round instead (they're too young for sleepovers at the moment). I do always say it depends on what the other parents say though.

Thanks all. Not sure I could say about a weekend. Don't think I'm ballsy enough
I know the weekends are family time and most of DD's friends tend to have siblings as well whereas its just me and DD here so weekends are pretty much do what we want, when we want.

HollyBerry believe me DD would have no social life if I stuck to afterschool, considering we don't get home until 6.30. But then at weekends you get "can we drop Beatrice off an hour early as Freddie has his fencing lesson" "oh we'll be late to pick up Gwyneth as Eugenie has her horse riding lesson"

I think you've highlighted the issue in the OP when you've said it "becomes" a sleepover.

If you're having a sleepover, organise it as a sleepover and present it kids and parents as a sleepover and they might feel more inclined to reciprocate because its clear its a sleepover and therefore a big ask.

If its just a "come for the afternoon we went out" that kind of drifts into a sleepover then I think it's more blurry and you're less likely to have it returned. If that makes sense.

Sorry Freddie I probably didn't word that right. It is always .prearranged as a sleepover. It's usually a suggestion of friend playing for an afternoon and then it will easily evolve to be a sleepover prior to the day of coming over.

Now you have expanded, you are allowing yourself to be used as an unpaid babysitter.

But it still starts out as a friend coming over.

And that is a very different thing to it starting as a sleepover.

You need to start it off as a sleepover and make sure that the kids know it a big deal. And the other adults if you're talking to them.

I will bet my last pound that the other parents think you do t mind you're so easy going. Blah blah

I've been the same as you. I never got it returned and sleepovers were organised in an easy going fluid way. I never got them returned.

Now that it's presented as more of a big deal I DO get them returned.

Greatballs, you do need to talk to the parents.

People aren't mind readers, they really aren't. They perhaps think that you enjoy having extra children over all the time and that it frees you up to do things. They perhaps think that as you work full time you don't want your daughter to be away at the weekend. Or more likely they haven't given it any consideration at all and are giving you the times that work best for them.

If you want free time you need to ask for it. I wouldn't present it as "OOh you are so ungrateful Eugenia has slept over 3 times but Blossom hasn't seen the inside of your house yet" but perhaps more like "DD would really enjoy a weekend sleepover with Eugenia, do you think that would be possible?" said as they are picking up their child.

That way you have stated your needs clearly. If they don't get back to you then start cutting back on the playdates, but at least give people the chance by letting them know what you want.

What I'm trying to say is that the other parents probably think that you WANT other kids over to play with your DD and that it's not a bother to you to have a sleepover because you don't have husbands/shift work/other kids/whatever to consider.

I used to have this problem - kids always at mine and it never being returned. The thinking of the other parents was that I was a single parent so I didn't have anything else to do the weekends I had my kids so it was no big deal.

Once I started saying NO to sleepovers because I'd done my fair share or telling my kids that no Jocasta couldn't sleep over again because Jocasta's mummy wasn't doing her share of the sleepovers then it became much more fair.

Even just a simple smile and jokey "it's your turn next" as they picked the kid up was enough to mark the line in the sand and lay it down that it had to be a two way give and take thing.

Thanks Freddie and toabr. Will give it a try :-)

I second the idea that you should try to explain to the parents why you can't do playdates during the week. If they invite on a weekday, could you reply something along the lines of sorry can't do week days, can we change it for this weekend?

I understand your frustration thought - to me it seems obvious that if you work full-time you can't do a weekday playdate! I would manage to work that out and invite your dd over at the weekend!

I knew I had posted about this!!

this thread

Some people will take the piss. You just need to be firm.

PS I don't do fencing

Euphemia thanks for the offer, I'm in Devon! If that's too far away I'll send DD off to you for a long weekend So I can spend a sunny afternoon in the pub garden gardening

Freddie you sound so much like me, a total soft touch. I also feel guilty as DD is an only child but I find it knackering trying to play with her all the time. She in no way needs entertainment all the time. She has spent all morning sorting herself out and a large majority of yesterday afternoon so she is not demanding.