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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that my family could help out

45 replies

ThisIsYourSong · 30/04/2013 14:17

I have DTs who are 3.6 and DS who is 2.1. It's the school holidays here and the weather is changeable and the DSs have been unwell. BIL and SIL and my niece (29) had last week off work. Niece is off this week too, she is here on holiday. This is because another niece had a baby.

I said last week I could do with some support as the holidays are hard. Two of the DCs clash and a bit of distraction (ie visitors) does wonders as well as giving me someone to talk to.

Haven't heard from them at all and its been a hard couple of weeks. The DCs are used to being out and about a lot but I find it hard taking them all out by myself in the school holidays when everything is overrun with older kids.

I went through a period of depression last year and have been feeling really down lately as my Dad's just been diagnosed with cancer, so coping with the stress of the three of them at home has been hard.

Niece posted on Facebook today that they had fish and chips on the beach. The boys would have loved that and I am upset they didn't ask us. Even though the DCs argue at home they are very social and love being out so are generally really well behaved.

AIBU to think they could have helped out just a bit? Or am I expecting too much?

OP posts:

redexpat · 30/04/2013 14:21

Some people just don't get it. I'd ring and ask when they wanted to meet up, "because the DCs would love to see them". It doesn't sound like they're doing it to spite you, they just don't get how much it would mean to you.

Callisto · 30/04/2013 14:22

Pre-DD I would have done anything to avoid three small children and would have been very about being expected to help out so I don't think your neice is being U. She is on holiday, I'm not suprised she doesn't want to provide childcare, especially as your children are not easy to entertain.

Your in-laws probably don't realise you're struggling.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 30/04/2013 14:22

It would be nice if they wanted to. I think it is nice for families (and friends) to help each other out. I do think it's sad when people aren't willing to help one another.

But, unfortunately, the truth is that if they don't want to, they're under no obligation to whatsoever, sad as that is.

Did you ask for help from individuals in a clear way? "Can you help me" or did you just do a vague "could really do with a hand..." that they may have interpreted as a moan rather than a request? iyswim. did you invite anyone over? Did you suggest a trip out?

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 30/04/2013 14:23

sad that they don't want to, not sad that they don't have to. I'm not saying helping people should become mandatory!

although...

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 30/04/2013 14:25

Why not suggest doing something in a positive way?

Don't frame it as 'I could do with some help', but 'shall we all go to X for the day/afternoon together?'.

expatinscotland · 30/04/2013 14:25

I would not want to take out unwell children, sorry.

expatinscotland · 30/04/2013 14:26

It's also possible they don't care for small children. A lot of people don't.

ChewingOnLifesGristle · 30/04/2013 14:29

I am so sorry You have an awful lot on your plate there. I also had dt's and a toddler at one point and it was the hardest, hardest thing I've ever done. People don't really understand unless they've been there.

But you also have the extra worry of your dad too. Yadnbu. Could you directly ask them. They clearly haven't taken the hint and won't really know what you're going through.

Failing that would you be able to arrange some paid childcare. You sound as though you need a break.

WTFisABooyhooISBooyhoo · 30/04/2013 14:29

what expat said.

i know it's hard with 3 under 4, especially when they are sick. but no-one else made a comittment to care for them or help you out. if tehy are over on holiday then TBH they last thing they probably want to be doing is looking after someone else's sick toddlers.

MaryPoppinsBag · 30/04/2013 14:31

Some people don't enjoy spending time with kids.
My SIL doesn't bother with ours ever.

However, she recently said when she has a child she will go on nights, and I might get a knock in the door and a child dropped off so she can sleep.

Think not love you'll get the exact same back as you've given me - nowt!

expatinscotland · 30/04/2013 14:35

'However, she recently said when she has a child she will go on nights, and I might get a knock in the door and a child dropped off so she can sleep.

Think not love you'll get the exact same back as you've given me - nowt!'

Quite right, and I would make that well known to her now.

Original poster

ThisIsYourSong · 30/04/2013 14:36

I've asked a couple of times when is good to meet up. Have suggested coming here for morning tea. Haven't had a response.

I certainly don't expect my niece to 'provide childcare' and think that sounds really rude. I never asked anyone to look after them or take them out. They were unwell for a couple of days but are not now.

And I've said they are not hard to entertain, they are just difficult when its all three of them and me.

Also is only 10 years between my eldest niece and I. I spent countless holidays visiting them or having them visit us, taking the 5 kids out to the park, playground, movies etc, playing with them, babysitting etc.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 30/04/2013 14:37

They won't ask, and they don't want to be around your kids from your last post.

It's sad but there isn't a lot you can do about it.

PoppyWearer · 30/04/2013 14:42

I sympathise. I was struggling with school runs for DC1 recently whilst DC2 was poorly. And DC2 up every night crying, I was exhausted.

In the meantime, lovely photos posted by SIL of DNs and PILs having a lovely day out just down the road. They could easily have popped over and made just one of those school runs less of a pain. As it was, some very lovely school mums offered to help me, without me even asking.

I wanted to cry "what about me/us?!" to SILs/PILs but what other posters have said is true, there is no obligation for them to help me and I didn't want to ask so I had to grit my teeth and carry on.

I do feel for you though, it sounds rough.

BabsAndTheRu · 30/04/2013 14:42

I think redexpat is right, some people just don't get it. I babysat for years my six nieces and nephews and helped out where I could my brother and sister, would go over help with housework etc, bath the kds, story time at night etc. now have 3 of my own, 4,2 and 8 months. Not once have any of them offered to babysit, come to help. DP and I haven't been out together for 3 years. My lovely mum has offered to babysit but she has cancer which has caused a pathological fracture of her spine, so we would never take her up on the offer and DP'S mum has dementia. His brothers and there partners live to far away. We live in the same village as parents so not only do we take care of our DC's but also our mums as well. It's tough going sometimes as you can imagine. So basically what I'm saying is YANBU and you would think just once they might offer. I have asked before but always an excuse, also told once by one of them, no way been there done that. Nice attitude eh. Really empathise with you.

Original poster

ThisIsYourSong · 30/04/2013 14:46

Thanks Hecsy that's what I mean. I can't understand why family wouldn't want to help.

They do claim to love my kids and do have fun with them but I guess their own lives are just too important. My niece lived with us for four months when she got to London so its not like we aren't close.

OP posts:

Original poster

ThisIsYourSong · 30/04/2013 14:54

Poppy hope things are better now

Babs that sounds so tough . So hard seeing your Mum going through that. Hope you get a break soon. Do you have friends you could do a babysitting swap with?

OP posts:

GrendelsMum · 30/04/2013 14:59

So, speaking from my own experience as someone without DCs of my own

a) I'd wait to be asked before coming to visit, rather than 'imposing myself' on relatives with small children, although I can see that you have asked them.
b) I don't have any experience with children of that age (even though I work with children aged 6 and up), so I don't have any confidence looking after them for more than about 10 mins.
c) I don't find young children a huge amount of fun to look after - stressful, but not fun, presumably because I don't have any confidence with them.
d) to be honest, things that children enjoy aren't always very interesting for adults. Horrific memories of taking DNs to a themed tractor experience come back to mind... I also find that I don't get to talk to the adults, because all the focus is on the children, so I leave feeling that I haven't spent any time with the adult relatives.

I think that by originally saying you need some support, it might sound like you're asking for more than your relatives feel able to offer. Could you make another attempt to suggest some low-key, short activity that you could all do together?

BabsAndTheRu · 30/04/2013 15:11

ThisIsYourSong
I've got a couple of friends who's daughters will soon be doing babysitting, one especially knows the kids really well as was childminders daughter, so hopefully get out soon. Written down does look tough going but you just deal with the situation you've got and we are blessed with the most gorgeous and fun kids (didn't think we could have any). Mums a real trooper, been through so much but still smiling, cancer dormant at the moment so fingers crossed stays away for a good while. I think more the fact that we look after parents as well that it gets to me that no offer from rest of family.

MaryPoppinsBag · 30/04/2013 15:57

Expat - I am a CM.
So they will either have to pay me or not bring said baby.

I looked after my DSis DS1 for nothing but my DSis has done loads for me in terms of looking after mine. But now my business is up and running I can't do it for nothing for anyone.

OP do you have friends that you can call on instead? My friends got me through the toddler years. With meet ups at toddler groups or each others houses for lunch.

It would be nice to be asked to go out with family though.

Bridgetbidet · 30/04/2013 21:39

Sorry, OP I really sympathise with the horrible time you are going through but I do think YAB a bit U.

The way I read this one of your BIL and SILs daughters has had a baby and this is why they are off work and why the other DN is visiting. In the circumstances I think their focus will quite fairly be on the girl who's just had the baby, I think she will be needing the help a bit more in the first few weeks.

Also they are on annual leave and on holiday and I think it's a bit unfair for you to expect them to be picking up your chores with the kids when they won't get much annual leave.

If you need more help I think the best thing to do is to wait until everything has settled down with the new baby and ask BIL and SIL to help out perhaps with a few hours at the weekend or something. But when they've just had a new baby in the family and they're on leave I think it's unfair to ask them to prioritise you to be honest.

Original poster

ThisIsYourSong · 01/05/2013 04:51

FGS I never thought they would

pick up my chores
look after my children
make me a priority
take lots of time out of their week

Just to visit for half an hour so the DCs and I can have some company or think to invite us places that would be suitable like fish and chips on the beach.

Yes my niece has had a baby but she, her partner, my other niece, brother and SIL and partner's mother were all around. I don't think it takes six people full time to look after one breastfed baby in a small 2 bed flat.

Clearly lots of people think that its unreasonable to hope for some support from family when you are struggling, depressed and have a young family, which is fine, that's your opinion. But I'm not some entitled bitch expecting people to look after my kids and do my dishes.

Thanks

OP posts:

Original poster

ThisIsYourSong · 01/05/2013 04:52

Sorry meant to say... Thanks to those who have tried to understand where I am coming from and sorry for those who have experienced the same

OP posts:

claraschu · 01/05/2013 05:49

Some MNers have a bee in their bonnet, and will go to absurd lengths to call you "entitled". It's completely obvious that YANBU.

Unfortunately, people are selfish and thoughtless.Sometimes, very nice people don't take the trouble to put themselves in someone else's shoes. (I'm talking about your relatives here.)

They may be fond of you and love your kids, but be having fun together, and not thinking about you. They may actually prefer to be alone. It's hard to tell. Either way, I think they should make the effort (if it is an effort for them) to be with you. I am sure that being with you and your lovely children would be a pleasure.

Please try not to let the annoying comments on here make you feel worse. These people don't read your posts carefully; they give knee jerk reactions, possibly because of something in their own lives.

Doubledare · 01/05/2013 06:06

No you are not being unreasonable. I'm lucky, I get lots of help. It makes me feel quite depressed when I read about other parents who get not enough or nothing.

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