Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

AIBU to be slightly rude at this point

22 replies

fluckered · 30/04/2013 12:03

i love my in laws to bits however seeing as I am the only one working full time their kids dont have I presume as early a bedtime as ds. He should be down for 8pm seeing as we are both up at 7am. however in laws, grannies and kids seem to be lately calling at 6pm when i am in from work cleaning up after dinner and just wanting to spend some down time with ds.

i love that ds has loads of cousins and they are lovely kids and on weekends it doesnt bother me. but not on a school/work night! so last night while ds's little cousin was looking to do playdoh at 8pm and go outside and play I started to elaborately and slightly rude i'm sure to explain that no its passed his bedtime, i'm tired, he is tired, up early blah blah blah hoping the mum would get the hint. she did eventually go at 8.45pm by which time ds was cranky and i was annoyed. i was embarrassed thinking about it afterwards. i love it most of the time but just because they arent up early in the morning doesnt mean i wish to have kids running riot on a school/work night. fir/sat night have no problem with. aibu?

please don't suggest locking doors ... did that when was off sick after surgery and only place to relax was the couch so locked the door in case i feel asleep. woke to banging on window and waving in at me.

OP posts:

SanitaryOwl · 30/04/2013 12:08

Er ... just explain to them what time DS goes to bed?

Original poster

fluckered · 30/04/2013 12:09

they already know!! but doesnt seem to make them move. i tidy away but away toys, fill dishwasher, turn off telly etc. nope no budge.

OP posts:

MoonlightandRoses · 30/04/2013 12:09

YANBU if you both need the time.

If you want it to change though you will need to be direct with them ("DS needs to be in bed at 8 on a school night, so we'll need to call it a day at 7.45 tonight" etc.,) to them, rather than 'drop hints'.
What might seem crystal clear to you, may be 'clear as mud' to someone else as they are not in your head, thinking your thoughts.

MoonlightandRoses · 30/04/2013 12:11

oops x-posts. Is it possible they know his bedtime as a general, rather than specific, thing, which means they're not shifting?

Maybe start doing the jokey (but firm) "right you lot, clear out - DS' bedtime's coming up" and usher them out the door.

Original poster

fluckered · 30/04/2013 12:11

yeah your right i need to grow a pair and be more straight forward but i dont want to be thought of as a bitch. guess cant have it both ways. they are always welcome but jaysus not at that hour. its bad enough when they arrive after ds is gone to bed minus the kids and stay til midnight when i am there in me pjs yawning nursing a mug of tea and attempted 3 times to go to bed myself!! grrrr!

OP posts:

aldiwhore · 30/04/2013 12:11

I proudly state to anyone who'll listen that if they phone after 8pm on a week night I won't answer and if they turn up, they won't be let in.

I over compensate at weekends though.

I'm sure people tut tut about it, but I don't care. You have to be blunt, rather than rude. I find announcing it when everyone's together is a good start, then no one feels picked on... and then everyone is quite clear how unreasonable I am being

YANBU.

Everything stops at 8pm here.

Bejeena · 30/04/2013 12:12

Not at all. I think you should have just put him to bed and then they really would have got the hint and I don't think it would have been rude.

aldiwhore · 30/04/2013 12:13

NEVER EVER hint.

Say "Right, I need my bed, off you go... yes I am kicking you out (((hug))) lovely to see you, be off!"

Original poster

fluckered · 30/04/2013 12:13

i swear though i say that! get their bags/coats/whatever they brough in with them, refuse to let them start arts n crafts or jigsaws. the mums will back me up and say no now ds is going to bed cmon we are going home but all from sitting on the kitchen chair and still not budging for another hour!!!!

OP posts:

tomorowisanotherday · 30/04/2013 12:15

leave them where they are and take DS to bed, read his story, stay up there 45 mins if you need to!
either that or say, you are going to have to go now.

Original poster

fluckered · 30/04/2013 12:15

aldiwhore i can picture you saying it with such confidence and a smile. i wish i could be like that! i do the uncontrollable yawning and being quiet which i get mad at myself for doing as i am sure i seem rude. but i havent the energy!

OP posts:

Original poster

fluckered · 30/04/2013 12:15

christ ds would go mental if i dragged him to bed and his cousins still downstairs playing.

OP posts:

MarthasHarbour · 30/04/2013 12:18

God they are like teflon!

I second just getting him upstairs and getting him into bed. Although that doesnt solve the immediate problem it is a start.

Then next time say - 'right you lot time to go, lovely to see you' etc etc

My DS is almost 4 and we try to get him to bed by 7.30pm. Anything after that is asking for trouble

Good luck - you know what you have to do

DeWe · 30/04/2013 12:20

How old is he and the cousins?
Could you say, ds is having his bath now, would you like the cousins to go in the bath with him before you go, or shall we say "goodbye" now?

ShowMeTheYoni · 30/04/2013 12:27

It sounds like you just need to be clear cut about it. You might seem "horrible" (which you are not) but they will get over it. Just say to them they have to leave or pre-book in advance on week nights and not stay after 7pm? I can't imagine anyone being in my house if I didn't want them there. Give it a go!

deleted203 · 30/04/2013 12:30

You need to be blunt with these folks!

It is NOT rude (IMO) to say, 'Ok, I'm kicking you out now, I'm afraid. I need to put DS to bed'.

Similarly I have no problem saying pretty much the same to anyone who overstays their welcome.

aldiwhore I'm a little like you, although I don't bother announce it to folks. But frankly if you phone me in an evening after 8.00pm and I am settled comfortably on the sofa I will only get up and answer it if I can be arsed. I'm quite happy to point out to folks that just because my phone rings I am not automatically obliged to answer it. If I'm on the toilet, in the bath, engrossed in the last ten minutes of a film or gone to bed for an early night I feel no urgency to leap to my feet to see what you want.

sweetestcup · 30/04/2013 12:30

Are they ever in their own house?

Xiaoxiong · 30/04/2013 12:31

Jeez I had this once with some kids. I said "right, it's time to go home now!" about 10 thousand times. I thought I was going to start having to heave them out by their armpits.

Finally got rid of them by literally shooing them out the door with my hands barking "OUT OUT OUT" and a rictus grin plastered on my face to try and keep it "friendly".

Original poster

fluckered · 30/04/2013 12:35

thanks guys. they are 5 + yrs old. and i love them all i really do! but sweet jesus i just want a routine as i have to be in work by 8am myself. so we all suffer if I dont get him down at the time. plus i need that hour to myself for a cuppa and some telly and then bed myself. but i'm lucky to have lovely in laws so close. so just need to be more blunt. and if i hear "but its not dark out yet" one more time before bed time i will crack.

OP posts:

whosshe · 30/04/2013 12:41

Hah, I used to have this problem with mine, but not anymore! I just don't let them in, I open the door, block it with my body and make it quite clear they can't actually enter the house. I enquire what they want, accept any items that are being delivered (as an excuse to call in) and then explain now is not a good time. i also used my other half to pass on the message that I don't want anyone coming to the house without texting first.

I think my in laws now think I am an antisocial recluse, but it's lovely and quiet and bedtime is easy.

Just tell them, don't let them in the door in the first place, it's not a good time. It gets really annoying in the end to keep coming round someone's house only to find yourself stood on the doorstep. Make up excuses if you like, that you are I'll, just off on the bath, just off out, cooking dinner....

MonstrousPippin · 30/04/2013 12:43

I'm not fully clear on who you mean as you've been quite general about it but is there a usual culprit or is it literally everyone in your family? It seems like you've been fairly clear to them to the point of almost rudeness... I mean getting someone's coat for them etc. - that's fairly clear.

Could there be a reason they don't want to go home?

Pigsmummy · 30/04/2013 12:44

You need to put your DS to bed at his usual time, just get on with it, even if it means leaving the visitors on their own. I do with baby.

Flip