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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

is this me or not?

17 replies

bitannoyedatthis · 30/04/2013 10:55

I have named changed to protect my normal login

I have recently adopted two little boys, my wider family (cousins, aunts, uncles etc) have shown no interest in meeting them or asking about them.

My cousins wife is having her first baby, second child to cousin, and there is a huge build up fb about the next family baby.

We have always sent cards, presents etc for my cousins first baby and tried to be involved in her life as much as possible as well as travelling to see her although they live approx 200 miles away.

I feel my boys don't count.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

HoHoHoNoYouDont · 30/04/2013 10:57

YANBU but some people are funny about their own 'flesh and blood'.

Once they have had time to get to know the boys I'm sure they will bond with them. That doesn't excuse them from showing you their support right now though.

WaitingForPancakeDay · 30/04/2013 11:00

Congratulations on the adoption of your 2 boys! How did you manage to get 2?! Was the process very drawn out? I can imagine that not only do you want the enthusiasm of your family, you also need their support. I can't suggest anything, but YANBU.

aldiwhore · 30/04/2013 11:01

It can be very difficult to know how to play it when as close relative adopts a child.

I admit I feel a bit lost, my sibling has just adopted a one year old and knowing what's allowed and what isn't can be quite tricky.

It IS different to when a baby is born into a family, that doesn't mean I love my new family any less than if they'd be born into it, it means there are often more politics, more rules. For example, I have to be very careful regards giving any details out. Things I wouldn't think twice about in other circumstances. I worry that I'll get it wrong and put my beautiful new family member in jeopardy.

I needed my sibling to lead. And she has led.

YANBU to feel annoyed that people don't even try, unfortunately people tend to stick their heads' in the sand when they are unsure of protocol. You need to lead. Perhaps have real chats about it being OKAY to be family!!

Fortunately for us, our family is small, so politics are lesser!

Congratulations on your new family!!!! x

Peevish · 30/04/2013 11:04

Congratulations on your boys! Unfortunately, have come across this weirdness with a close friend who adopted a Chinese baby some years back, and whose family turned out not to think adoption 'counted' in terms of the family getting a new member. They eventually warmed to her of course, but my friend was a long time forgiving them for their initial attitude.

frazmum · 30/04/2013 11:19

Firstly congratulations on your two little boys. Family can be funny - my brother was adopted, I'm not and most of our family just treated him exactly the same but my grandmother was always a bit funny about it. She said it was to do with passing down the family name. My DF's brother only had girls so my DB was only boy - but the bit I didn't get was that it wasn't her family name, it was my Grandads .

And your boys do count - they're part of your family, lucky them!

Andro · 30/04/2013 11:51

How did you manage to get 2?

It's possible that OP adopted siblings.

OP: YANBU, but perhaps your family don't know how to deal with the situation or are having trouble with it feeling 'real' (this was an issue with some of my extended family when DH and I adopted, they had trouble rationalising that I was now a parent). Gauging their mindsets will be easier is you see them when you visit, at that point the presence of your boys in your life will become very real to them...how they react then is far more important!

Lilka · 30/04/2013 16:50

How did you manage to get 2?

There are a huge number of sibling groups waiting to be adopted in the UK. Many many groups of 2, lots of groups of 3, and a few groups of 4. Sibling groups of 5+ are nearly always split up into 2's and 3's. I saw a group of 8 who were split into two groups of 4 once, I wonder if they were adopted or not, large sibling groups are such a challenge it's very hard to find adoptive parents for them. You can't except in the rarest of circumstances adopt 2 unrelated children at the same time.

OP - YANBU at all. This is something a lot of adoptive parents experience, and I found that some of my friends and extended family were not excited for me, especially the second and third times I adopted, when quite a few people simply did not acknowledge the new addition at all :( It's so frustrating.

If anyone here has a new adopted child in the family, send a card or present as you would for a new birth child. Congratulate the new family!

BadgersNadgers · 30/04/2013 16:59

How did you manage to get 2?

BOGOF at Tesco, though you can get 3 for 2 in Morrisons

DH and I looked at adoption and my mother was scathing about it - damaged goods, all adopted children have huge mental health problems etc - whilst conveniently forgetting that her own mother and uncle were adopted. Some people are just twats.

Original poster

bitannoyedatthis · 30/04/2013 17:10

Hi, they are dt, would have been a bit wrong to only take one!

My immediate family and in-laws have been great, but no interest in wider family. The way I feel is that its their loss. I've put nothing on Feb about it to protect the boys but sent out new children cards so they have no excuse for not knowing

OP posts:

Original poster

bitannoyedatthis · 30/04/2013 17:11

Feb should be fb !

OP posts:

Bobyan · 30/04/2013 17:18

Some people are just weird, rude, whatever.

Congratulations!

thebody · 30/04/2013 17:19

Fantastic op, how lovely for you all.

Can't understand it myself, adopted children are your children, they are children in the family and should be treated the very same.

Silly people so ignore and them.

Blissx · 30/04/2013 17:23

How awful for you! I'm adopted (my brother and sister are also adopted, WaitingForPancakes) and my maternal grandmother absolutely hated us because we were not flesh and blood. Constant source of aggravation all round really, especially as we were the only grandchildren that cared for her and visited her in her final years, rather than her 'favourites'. My sister said that she admitted to her just before she died that she had been wrong. Not sure it makes up for all the abuse we got anyway though.

It's hard to know the reasons why you and your DCs have not been made a fuss off in much the same way as your cousins' pending arrival. All I know is, my immediate family were and are all that mattered to me anyway. I understand how much this can hurt, but there might not be anything you can do, other than them slowly getting to know your two DCs. Congratulations by the way;I bet they are wonderful!

Tailtwister · 30/04/2013 18:05

YANBU. Of course your boys count, just as much as a biological child. If you were my cousin, I would be going out of my way to welcome the boys into the family. It would be very important to me that they felt they were part of the extended family and valued just the same as everyone.

I would just ignore it and carry on as normal. Maybe they don't realise how they are coming across.

thebody · 30/04/2013 18:13

My late lovely pil treated their sons long term gfs dd exactly the same as their own grandchildren.

As it should be. What's wrong with people? Blissx that's awful.

LimitedEditionLady · 30/04/2013 19:50

Congratulations!!
Id be pretty bloody miffed too.we have a child whos from outside the family in our family but theyre just our family to me and i love them so much and always will.i forget anything other than them being one of us unless somethings jolts me to remember.i think itll just take time and bonding i suppose it could be hard to get their heads round.when they get to spend more time with them theyll love them x

SarahAndFuck · 30/04/2013 20:19

YANBU.

But they may not understand quite what to do, or if they should do anything.

It's easier when someone gives birth to send a card and a little outfit or something, and everyone wants to go for a cuddle etc.

But if you've adopted older children they might feel odd sending a card, if they know they actually print them even, sending clothes for an older child would probably feel strange and inviting themselves over for a cuddle might seem scary or overwhelming to your sons.

They might be thinking "we'd love to meet BitAnnoyed's boys but perhaps it will be a bit much for them, let's wait for her to invite us" or something.

I could be wrong, I was just wondering if that might be a possible reason, and I'm sorry they are letting you down and hurting your feelings.

Flip