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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dss and days out.....

22 replies

Whereisegg · 21/04/2013 12:12

I have been with his df for 9 years, we pay regular maintenance, and see him every weekend and holidays, have taken him on holiday, and usual days out, same amount spent on Christmas and birthdays as our 2 dc etc.
Due to work changing over the past couple of years money is a lot tighter.
In the past 3 years dss has been (with his mum) abroad 5 times, legoland, Alton towers 3 times, London eye and has started 3 expensive clubs.
We can't afford for our 2dc to do clubs (money can vary week to week) and we can't afford to take all 3 to places like London/legoland etc but may occasionally be able to budget for 2.
I'm really unsure if it's unreasonable to not take him because he has recently been, or unreasonable that the other 2dc can't do it if we can't take him iyswim?
No visits would be planned if it meant we couldn't have him over to stay.
So, wwyd

OP posts:

currentbuns · 21/04/2013 12:33

Personally, I don't think YABU. If he has already been somewhere (eg Legoland) recently with his dm, there's no reason you shouldn't take your dc separately. Re holidays, if your dss is going away with his dm, perhaps you could schedule a holiday for the same time, so that he doesn't miss out on time spent with you?

Original poster

Whereisegg · 21/04/2013 12:49

We wouldn't think of going on an actual holiday without him (unless his mums plans to be away were the only time we could go too, but we can't afford 'holidays' anyway) but I was really worried I would be viewed as the evil step mother to not take him on day trips he has recently taken.
I really don't want to leave him out, but financed dictate that if we had to take him, none would go :(

OP posts:

Ledkr · 21/04/2013 12:54

I think it's ok but as the mum of a dd who's dad has other dds I'd suggest telling him and giving the reasons why and maybe suggesting as soon as money's a bit better you will take him too.
Rather than him just feeling left out.

Original poster

Whereisegg · 21/04/2013 13:00

That was my plan but really wanted to check I wasn't being super bitch to even consider the idea!
He is a sensible chap, not at all hard work, and feel really bad about this, but equally bad about the other children's faces when he excitedly tells them about another trip he is going on.
Urgh, such hard work to always try to be 'fair'

OP posts:

JackieTheFart · 21/04/2013 13:14

We have a similar situation, I was basically called a nasty bitch and a bad parent when I suggested that we do something without DSS considering he was getting everything from his mum and stepdad, and to include him meant nobody went.

This was some years ago (and on a different forum netmums) but I felt like shit. You just can't win when you're a step-parent.

Original poster

Whereisegg · 21/04/2013 13:22

I'm really sorry to hear that jackie.
It really is hard :(

OP posts:

MidniteScribbler · 21/04/2013 13:22

I think it sometimes depends on the circumstances. If it's "just" a trip to the zoo or theme park or where ever, and it's not on a weekend you would have him normally, then I don't think YABU.

If you're going to celebrate something (a family outing for a birthday or something along those lines) then I think you should include him.

Original poster

Whereisegg · 21/04/2013 13:33

It absolutely wouldn't be a family celebration as such, just something we know he has recently done and know that for the foreseeable, we can't afford to re-take him.
I'm worried that the only time we may be able to guarantee we can all go, they will be too old to want to.

OP posts:

IneedAyoniNickname · 21/04/2013 13:42

As long as you do it outside of his contact time, then I think it will be ok. I say this because my ex cancelled on our dc together, then took his gf and her dc to the seaside. He then told our dc that they couldn't go because they couldn't afford to take both cars!

CloudsAndTrees · 21/04/2013 14:45

I think YABU to a certain extent, but also NBU.

It's ok for you to do things with your own children when your ds's isn't around. It would be odd if your own children could only have fun days out when their brother is with you. But if it's something you know he would enjoy, then it would be worth saving up for him to be able to go to, and I think it's important that you only do those things without him if you know that he has already had the opportunity to do them as well. Days out are fine, weekends away and holidays are not.

AThingInYourLife · 21/04/2013 14:54

I think when he's not with you you can do as you please.

Original poster

Whereisegg · 21/04/2013 14:57

clouds that is exactly the view I have.
Big/long/things he hasn't done wouldn't even enter my head.

OP posts:

greenfolder · 21/04/2013 15:01

yanbu

you have every other weekend without him and he without you. just schedule your trips for those weekends. especially with buy one get one free, 3 is just an awkward number. i have a friend with 3 dcs who rotates theme park trips on occaison so they all get a chance to go and do more or else they wouldnt go. there is nothing wrong with treating the other dc sometimes.

IneedAsockamnesty · 21/04/2013 15:18

Yanbu.

I've never understood the attitude that some people have about only ever doing anything if they also include the step children especially when the step children are also getting these treats when at their other home.

It may be wonderful for the step child but your own children learn pretty damn quick that they don't matter as much.

As long as you are not doing these outings when sdc's are with you or are meant to be with you.

Oh and the equal money on birthday or Christmas gifts sucks as well when your parent has another child elsewhere because your own children are not also going to their other home and also having these sums spent on them. So sdc's end up with twice as much.

Original poster

Whereisegg · 21/04/2013 17:42

I do see your point about having twice as much, sockreturningpixie, but the things he gets from us at Christmas and birthdays tend to stay here.
He is almost 5 yrs older than his db so they don't receive many joint presents so I feel he does need a good selection of his own stuff here.

Good to know no one thinks it would be dreadful to treat the other 2 occasionally though.

OP posts:

IneedAsockamnesty · 21/04/2013 17:53

That's fair enough then. I think it only tends to cause issues when step child is turning up at yours with his stuff from mums and bragging about it ect to your kids.

CloudsAndTrees · 21/04/2013 17:56

I think you have the right attitude towards birthday and Christmas gifts Whereis, and it's nice to see. It sounds like you are doing a great job with your family and all of your children.

Step children can end up with more in the way of material stuff, but they also have the disadvantage of not having their parents living in the same home, unlike their step siblings who get the better deal overall.

IneedAsockamnesty · 21/04/2013 17:58

When your parents do not get on its a advantage if they cease to reside in the same house.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 21/04/2013 18:18

On the subject of fairness and inclusion-

does your DSS mum (your DP ex) take your two DC (her DS half siblings) for days out?

Not necessarily abroad or Alton Towers but if they are young then LegoLand ?

likesnowflakesinanocean · 21/04/2013 20:18

totally on the same page at the minute, cannot afford trips out as a larger family buy can me and ds. got moaned at about it relatively recently but I stick to what I always say now , just like you do fun things with mum sometimes so do me and ds. it usually evens out but it is so hard not to feel like a prize bitch like you though some weeks I have more spare and we do more together.

Original poster

Whereisegg · 21/04/2013 23:06

No, she doesn't take out the other 2, and I wouldn't really expect her to either.
We all get on to a point, there's no nastiness (that I'm aware of!) but we're not really close either.
I agree on parents together being a bit nicer than presents :)
Thank you all, I'm pleased I'm not being mean to think of doing this!

OP posts:

CloudSurfer · 21/04/2013 23:41

just do the more expensive ones when he has his weekends with mum until you can afford to take them all, and find some cheaper things that dss hasn't done recently to do on his weekends. But make sure he is still doing fun things, just what you can afford. It would be different if he hadn't had these experiences at all, but it makes no sense for the other 2 children to miss out
for him to repeat a daytrip.

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