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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say no to DS having GF stay over night?

53 replies

Danceasifnooneswatching · 19/04/2013 08:24

That's it really DS 20 GF19. Have said I don't like it, I feel uncomfortable and have younger ds's to think of.

He says I am old fashioned and behind the times! And it'd none of my business as its his room.
Aibu??

OP posts:

CSIJanner · 19/04/2013 08:26

Does he pay rent? Then he can argue its my room line

livinginwonderland · 19/04/2013 08:27

yabu, he's twenty. if he was sixteen, you might have a stronger argument, but at twenty, he's an adult and he should be allowed to have guests overnight.

my parents always let me have boyfriends over from the age of 17/18. the only rule was they had to have met them before the day they stayed over, and we had to have been together for three months.

Nanny0gg · 19/04/2013 08:28

If you're uncomfortable, then it's your decision.
Is it a long-term relationship or relatively new? Because that makes quite a difference too.

Original poster

Danceasifnooneswatching · 19/04/2013 08:33

Will come back to this later as I am at work.
Together about 8 months, am fine for odd nights over the weekend but its becoming every single night of the week.

Thanks for replies.

OP posts:

NewAtThisMalarky · 19/04/2013 08:34

What are you thinking is going to be a problem for your younger ds's? Surely nothing will be going on that hasn't already happened with them in the house between you and their dad?

I do get that it's a big deal for you, but if this is a girl that he has been seeing for a while and the younger ds's have met her already then I don't think it will be a big deal for them.

jacks365 · 19/04/2013 08:34

YANBU Your house your rules and he needs to consider the people he shares the house with. You can make it clear to him that its not the idea of the spending the night together but that its inappropriate with younger siblings in the house that you say no.

exoticfruits · 19/04/2013 08:36

If it is getting to be most nights is it not time for them to find their own place?

diddl · 19/04/2013 08:36

Sorry but I don't get the "he's an adult".

Well yes, but he's still living in someone elses house.

If he wants to do what he wants when he wants, he gets his own place imo.

Weekends sounds plenty.

Does he also stay at hers?

Bowlersarm · 19/04/2013 08:37

It's your house your rules but I think you YABU. 20 is quite old really to be made to have a separate bedroom from your girlfriend.

We've had this recently with my 17 year old DS, which I think is quite young. We've compromised on it being ok when he's 18, as long as he is in a longish term relationship and not for one night stands!

50shadesofbrown · 19/04/2013 08:38

Do you have specific religious views or similar issue with it, is he aware of this? I not, & if he is a similar age, I do think you may be a little bit U. If you say no (which is your right as it's your house) he may just stay at hers, or they will probably end up getting up to no good at a party at a friends house, in a bus shelter etc. If he's an adult if can reasonably expect to be treated like one, ie that you agree to this or that you & he have a proper discussion why you don't want his GF to stay.
At least if they are at yours you know they are safe. However if you still say no, he should respect that, but don't necessarily expect them to 'behave themselves' elsewhere.

50shadesofbrown · 19/04/2013 08:40

Sorry multiple x post.

livinginwonderland · 19/04/2013 08:41

Together about 8 months, am fine for odd nights over the weekend but its becoming every single night of the week.

but you didn't say this in your OP. your post implied that you didn't let her stay over at all. one or two nights a week is reasonable, but more than that is a bit unfair.

Locketjuice · 19/04/2013 08:42

Yabu he's 20.

expatinscotland · 19/04/2013 08:45

These two need to get their own place if it's that frequent.

sweetestcup · 19/04/2013 08:45

Together about 8 months, am fine for odd nights over the weekend but its becoming every single night of the week.

This completely changes the question really. Why is it suddenly inappropriate for your younger DSs when shes already stayed before at weekends, dont get it.

But as people said its your house. I dont have an issue letting my 20 year old DSs girlfriend staying over with him, our walls are very thin so I know for sure they wouldnt do anything though, they would be too embarrassed!

Bowlersarm · 19/04/2013 08:46

Agree that 'becoming every single night' changes the scenario. It is a different issue to not being allowed to have his gf sleep in his room at all. I wouldn't like it very night tbh as that impacts on family life. I think you need to compromise with him on how many, and which nights she stays over.

exoticfruits · 19/04/2013 08:49

More than a couple of nights a week means they need to start paying bills.

schoolgovernor · 19/04/2013 08:56

If it's starting to be every night then he's effectively moving her in, which is completely different to the odd overnight stay. Contrary to what some seem to think, nobody has an obligation to provide a home for their child and their partner. It's your choice if you want to add another member to your household. If you decide you do then you need to draw up a price for rent and other expenses, and some "house rules" about use of kitchen, housework and possibly even parking. If you don't want another adult moving into your house you're perfectly entitled to tell your son that if he wants to live with his girlfriend they need to find their own place.
I wouldn't even consider it personally.

Isthiscorrect · 19/04/2013 09:04

yy to say no. I'm coming at this from a different angle. Ds if off to uni shortly and I have been stalking browsing the student room forum. And according to students at uni on that forum almost permanent moving in is a big no no because as somebody says elsewhere in the thread, it changes the whole student house/family house dynamics.
Time for a chat and new rules about bills or a place of their own.

onefewernow · 19/04/2013 09:21

YANBU. At all.

There is a lot of liberal nonsense on thus issue but it is YOUR house. Actually I have made that mistake with adult son in the past and won't be repeating it. He pays rent, she doesn't.

We have had, in the past, queues daily for the bathroom, you never get a weekend without them hanging around and hogging the lounge, they start to play house by cooking separately and leaving a mess. An occasional sleepover eg if he us at Uni and home for a while us one thing, but if living at home full time it rapidly descends to Gf practically moving in.

Don't do it!

People who are for it may not have had the experience as a parent, and are thinking if their own teen years.

Also it alters the dynamics between siblings and sometimes not for the good.

If he is ready to move out, fair enough.

onefewernow · 19/04/2013 09:22

Is, not us!

diddl · 19/04/2013 09:26

When I lived at my parents & paid rent-that was my contribution to the food & bills.

Not an invitation to treat the house as my own.

To do that-I had to get a house of my own!!

LolaDontCryOverSpiltEggnog · 19/04/2013 09:27

Weekends is plenty. I'm looking at it from a different perspective though, when DP was young his older brothers girlfriend started staying on weekends then weekdays and would get up shower go off to work come back and stay at her mums once or twice a week and he hated it. He felt embarrassed in the morning and used to wake up early and get dressed because he said he could never fully relax he was only 10 or 11. His sisters did the same and sat about in makeup at silly o clock too. It's not just his house and I wouldn't like a permanent visitor and you don't either by the sound of it

LolaDontCryOverSpiltEggnog · 19/04/2013 09:29

Oh and this carried on until they were almost thirty and pregnant

everlong · 19/04/2013 09:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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