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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel somewhat daunted by motherhood

24 replies

SpanielFace · 13/04/2013 21:01

DS (PFB) is 7 months. He's just so, so lovely. My biggest worries at the moment are to do with whether his diet is good enough & why he's not rolling over yet. Whenever I come on here I read threads about people having problems with their toddler, their teenager, their 7 year old - their behaviour, their education, their health... So many big, serious worries, as well as the small ones.

AIBU to feel utterly daunted by the 18 years I have ahead of me, and the challenge of turning out a happy, fulfilled, successful adult? How do people do it without a manual?!

OP posts:

InkleWinkle · 13/04/2013 21:04

One day at a time!

Theyoniwayisnorthwards · 13/04/2013 21:07

You really do calm down as they grow and you kind of settle in to parenthood. I was obsessive about my PFB (my sister called me a S'Mother) and I am generally much more relaxed about DS2.

Karoleann · 13/04/2013 21:07

I think your first is really, really hard, there is no manual and there is no right and wrong way to bring up a child, even if there were they are all different anyway so what works with one, doesn't work with the other.

What's important is that you, your son and your family are happy and well and if you're achieving that already you're doing well.

I found things much easier after having dc2 and then 3. Knowing a bit more about how to deal with a baby is very empowering and makes you feel more confident with the older child as well.

BTW non of my three rolled at that age (the eldest two were climbing out of their cots at 18months).

InkleWinkle · 13/04/2013 21:08

Sorry, that doesn't sound helpful but for me it often is true
No manual, just your own instincts and MN of course.
And remember the famous MN saying when times are trying 'this too will pass'

sittinginthesun · 13/04/2013 21:11

Big big learning curve the first time round. I think it really helps if you have friends with children exactly the same age, so that you can compare notes!

Oh, and my youngest didn't roll until 10 months.

Nagoo · 13/04/2013 21:48

precisely because you care enough to be worried about it means it's going to be ok.

And you have MN :)

Bingdweller · 13/04/2013 21:50

My DS was 11mths old before he rolled over. I really worried about this lack of milestone.... Turns out he is/was very lazy.....

MMcanny · 13/04/2013 21:50

In a couple of years you'll be back on the wine and winging it. Just takes a few major errors for you to realise you cannot be perfect but they'll most likely still be fine, then you relax a bit. Good luck.

ShirazSavedMySanity · 13/04/2013 22:00

Enjoy the not rolling - makes nappy changing easier! My eldest never rolled & didn't walk until she was 19 months & never crawled.

You get by, you learn, as long as you're all happy, you're doing a great job. Stick at it!

Hassled · 13/04/2013 22:05

Not unreasonable at all to feel daunted - it is a daunting business. But if you're a nice person (and you sound it) and your child is loved (which he clearly is) then you're pretty much sorted - there will be blips along the way but I'd say there's a high probability you will end up with a happy, well-adjusted adult. And I say that as someone who has made a whole raft of mistakes along the way but has nevertheless managed to produce two happy, well-adjusted adults. Of course there's still time for me to ruin the younger two .

bigbuttons · 13/04/2013 22:08

yes is is daunting, but every day you become more experienced at parenting your child. There will always be issues to be faced, that's life.
Who knows how it will all turn out, all you can do is try your best.

OHforDUCKScake · 13/04/2013 22:11

Dont be daft, you cant worry about what Probably Wont Happen.

Enjoy your baby.

It'll be fine.

pixwix · 13/04/2013 22:27

Bless you! It can be daunting - I tried just to take a day at a time, but I do remember fretting about some stuff - Ds1 refused to lift his head from the playmat - I have all these photos of ex-dh lying along side him., beaming away, and trying to encourage him... likewise with ds2 - he didn't smile for AGES - he had a face like a bulldog licking the piss off a nettle for quite some time!

I remember going to his 6 week check when he 'should' be smiling, and saying "well - I can't get him to smile - good luck!" but by 8 weeks he was a beamy thing!

If you are concerned about milestones, talk to your HV or GP they can put your mind at rest or keep an eye on things etc

My mates baby never crawled - I have a lovely video of ds1 and my mates boy, passing a toy between them at about 10 mos - this went on amicably for about 5 mins - then ds1 decided to crawl off with it - my mates baby decided he had to take decisive action as he couldn't crawl after him, so hung on for dear life onto ds1's dungaree straps to stop him hoofing off! but my mates baby was walking before mine! he just bypassed the whole crawling stuff...

and - don't think about it terms of 18 years! That would have freaked me right out btw - I just took it a day at a time. They are 15 and 9 now - happy healthy lads - I don't worry too much now - you DO calm down x

Original poster

SpanielFace · 13/04/2013 23:43

Thanks for the nice replies

It's reassuring to know that he's not the only late roller! Sometimes it feels like a competition among new mums as to who is doing what the soonest. Apparently I was late to get mobile but early to talk, so maybe he's going to be like me.

One day at a time seems sensible! I need to try to keep in in focus I think!

OP posts:

grovel · 14/04/2013 00:03

My DS (now 21) was a slob of a baby. Gorgeous but knew somehow that effort didn't pay. Did everything at least 9 months" late". He's about to leave a top university with a wonderful CV. Just enjoy.

I know it's hard.

Iwantmybed · 14/04/2013 00:17

Do not compare your DC to others is the only advice I will give you. He's perfect and despite what all the competitive Mums and various books will tell you, you know best. It honestly doesn't matter who ate / walked / talked / potty trained first. It won't be on their school application / CV / obituary, it's largely irrelevant. As long as they do eventually meet those milestones then there's no concern.

Enjoy your sweet boy and cherish each day whilst they are so young.

EATmum · 14/04/2013 00:20

My mum said that back in the seventies, when she was a new mum, the Dr Spock book had just been published which opened by saying that while you may not believe it, you already know far more about bringing up your baby than you think. She said it gave her real confidence - books and doctors can tell you statistical norms, but no one will know your baby better than you.
My three DDs are all different, developed at different times and have different strengths and interests. They're all brilliant (but I may be a tad biased ...). Trust your instincts. I'm sure everything will be fine!

SirBoobAlot · 14/04/2013 00:22

It's incredibly stressful. But try and relax, and enjoy, as much as you can. It is utterly daunting, but then, if you weren't worried about your child being happy and healthy, you wouldn't make much of a parent, would you? :)

Make the most of the not rolling, nappy changes become a wrestling match after that

DoJo · 14/04/2013 00:27

Mine is 13 months, and I sometimes feel as though the worries about the way things could go for him will crush me. But you can't do all your parenting in one day and you always get a chance to refine the way you do things, change your mind along the way and learn from little mistakes so you avoid making bigger ones. Whenever I think I will never let him out of my site, or leave home or let anyone break his tiny heart, I remember that everyone's mum must have felt like that at some point, and they all managed to raise functioning, independent humans by crossing each bridge as they come to it.

As for competitive parenting, I'm pretty sure it comes from exactly the same insecurity that we all feel, but if you are feeing bad then just don't get sucked in. Say something like 'He's always right where I leave him, so I am quite happy for him to not roll for a while longer' or 'Well, I've never met an adult who couldn't roll, so I'm assuming he'll get the hang of it eventually' and leave it at that. Hopefully if you don't 'compete' then the others will feel a little less inclined to and you can all relax and enjoy the little milestones whenever they happen.

MsAkimbo · 14/04/2013 00:34

I'm with you. Have posted about it extensively on here.

Something that helped a lot is cuddling with my DD and going through all of her pictures with her, even now. Seeing how much she's changed reminded me that time goes by fast and she's changing everyday.

And don't worry about rolling. It's overrated.

LimitedEditionLady · 14/04/2013 07:36

I think it starts to get easier when people relax about milestones! Every child is going to be different, just because little Jimmy rolled over at 5 months doesn't mean that it's an issue if Little Freddy doesn't until 7 months. I think we are always going to worry as mums about something but we should remember there are no set rules and if you don't do something the same as someone else this doesn't mean either way is wrong.

Loislane78 · 14/04/2013 07:46

My DD is 8 mo. I no longer go to groups/meet people who display any whiff of competitive parenting re. arrival of teeth, rolling, crawling etc. and as long as I 'feel' she's doing alright and broadly meeting milestones then I figure I'm best saving my energy and worry for when she's older and to just enjoy mat leave and this baby stage as they change so quickly.

Maybe my philosophical approach coincided with the early introduction of wine :)

MamaBear17 · 14/04/2013 08:27

My PFB is 20 months and I feel like I have finally relaxed in to everything. Do not concern yourself with mile stones and when they should meet them. Your baby will do everything at their own pace regardless of what the book says. For example. my dd crawled at 6 months and was cruising around the furniture at 7. Everyone told me that it meant she would be walking independently by 9 months because that is what their child/grandchild/nephew/her dad did. DD had no interest in walking whatsoever. She didn't want to walk whilst being held, or behind a push along toy. They got in the way. She was little Miss Independent who insisted that she could get where she wanted by herself. She was 13 months by the time she was walking properly unaided. It took her about 4 weeks after she had taken her first unaided steps to master walking and another three months (and very strong shoes from Clarkes) to encourage her to walk with her toes pointing forward instead of to the side. My niece however, barely crawled and walked at 11 months. Babies are all so different. I also agree that you should distance yourself from any competitive groups and just enjoy your baby.

cory · 14/04/2013 16:35

"the challenge of turning out a happy, fulfilled, successful adult?"

The strangely reassuring thought that has grown on me in recent years (eldest sitting her GCSEs and youngest already sporting the shadow of a moustache) is that this one is not actually within my remit.

I can contribute to my dcs' wellbeing, I can provide some happy memories, I can show them things that my (or may not) prove useful, I can give them tools, but there is no way I am in charge of their fulfillment or success.

They are real people, just like I am. Their lives are in their hands. They decide who they want to be.

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