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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex has let his girlfriend to sleep beside our son

213 replies

Toddi · 13/04/2013 11:04

Please help me...really needing some advice with this one. My ex partner is letting his girlfriend sleep beside him & our 4 year old son. I think this is so inappropriate, totally disrespectful. My son always had sleeping issues & ended up beside me & after split & moving to New house he sleeps better beside me. Last week, my son said in front of his dad & me that he slept beside them. Have told my ex my opinion but he's blaming me, saying all my fault, because I've let my son sleep beside me. My ex only sees his son one day/overnight on a Saturday. Today, I've decided he shouldn't sleepover & made an excuse. What do I do? What should happen next weekend? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
ppppppppenguin · 13/04/2013 11:06

I don't really understand the problem?

Rainbowinthesky · 13/04/2013 11:07

I understand completely how you feel but I don't think there is much you can do. Your dh as a partner whom I presume he lives with therefore will share a bed with and your on needs to sleep long side a parent at the moment. Is it a long term girlfriend?

ppppppppenguin · 13/04/2013 11:07

I mean why is it innapropriate and disrespectful?

HollyBerryBush · 13/04/2013 11:07

Why don't you like it? Is she a longstanding GF?

Why is inappropriate?

WorraLiberty · 13/04/2013 11:07

Why do you think it's inappropriate?

Rainbowinthesky · 13/04/2013 11:08

Sorry. Missed odd letters for some reason!

HeySoulSister · 13/04/2013 11:09

you are well out of order stopping your ds contact with his dad today

you have no right to do that

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 13/04/2013 11:10

Is he saying that the child won't sleep in his own bed and can only sleep in with them? And with you?

I think that you should work towards getting your son back into his own bed and able to sleep alone. This will take time, obviously, but it's probably best to make a start on it. He's had a lot of change to deal with and he's very little so it's understandable that he wants to sleep with you - sleeping is when you're most vulnerable so he feels safest with you. But it's probably best to gradually help him to settle into his own bed and own room.

I don't think that it can be sorted in a week so next weekend he will probably need to still be in their bed/room. Could he be on a camp bed or mattress in the room rather than in bed with them if that's what bothers you?

DeadWomanWalking · 13/04/2013 11:10

How long has he been with his girlfriend? I can see where you're coming from, and in your situation I know I wouldn't like it. But I don't really think you can do anything about it? If he can only sleep with a parent then that means that ex's girlfriend can't sleep over when he has your DS. Do they live together? If so, it seem awfully unfair on her that she gets booted out of her own because you don't like her sleeping next to your son.

When DSD used to sleep over with us when she was little we lived in a 1 bedroomed flat and she used to sleep in the bed with us. That was purely down to there not being enough room for another bed in the room and was solved when we moved to a bigger place. I think if it's something you don't like then you're going to have to start teaching your son to sleep alone, as I don't really think you can dictate what goes on in your ex's house.

SirBoobAlot · 13/04/2013 11:11

If your son co-sleeps, and goes to stay at his dads whilst he dad has his girlfriend staying over (or living there..?), then they will be in the same bed together.

SirBoobAlot · 13/04/2013 11:12

And you are VVVU to stop your sons contact with his father today.

Jalopeno · 13/04/2013 11:14

Sorry op but you are being unreasonable.

If you do not want your son to co-sleep in his father's house then you need to get him into his own bed at home. What do you expect your ex to do if your son won't sleep on his own?

squeakytoy · 13/04/2013 11:14

eh??? so long as they are not shagging in front of him, I really cant see why there should be any issue..

MissAnnersley · 13/04/2013 11:18

Look, it's really hard getting used to this sort of situation.

If this is all new to the OP and her DS then I can completely understand her concerns.

I do think you should let your DS go to his dad's today though.

TheRealFellatio · 13/04/2013 11:19

I can understand that you must finding it upsetting but if he co-sleeps with you then it follows that he will want to co-sleep with his dad. Unless you have reason to believe that she is a threat to your child's safety as opposed to just being a threat to your ego then there isn't much you can do about it.

If you expect your DS's father to kick his partner out of her bed when your son is there you'll be waiting until the cows come home.

janey68 · 13/04/2013 11:20

So 6 nights a week you co sleep with your son, yet you have an issue with him co sleeping on the 1 night he goes to his dad?

YABU. Presumably if you had a new partner, your ds would still have the same sleep issues; it just appears that because the boot is on the other foot and your ex has a new partner, you're annoyed about it

As the parent with main custody, it's far more within your control to sort out the sleep issues. There's very little his dad can do if he only gets to have him once a week. In your position, I would be working hard to get my child feeling secure sleeping in his own bed. That's the solution. I think it's very unfair to expect your son to be allowed to co sleep 6 nights a week and then be expected to sleep in his own room on the 2 night he's away. Or are you expecting your ex to tell his partner to bugger off instead? Is that your 'solution'? Hmm

And preventing your son from seeing his dad is well out of order and cruel.

IYoniWantToBeWithYou · 13/04/2013 11:20

Yabu, you can't control the choices that your ex makes for his son in his contact time, as long as your ds isn't being hurt.

You might not like it but its really unfair to restrict your sons contact time in this way based on your feelings of jealousy.

janey68 · 13/04/2013 11:21

Sorry - that should be one night he's away not 2

Wallison · 13/04/2013 11:22

Why can't the girlfriend sleep on the sofa? Or just not stay over that night? I wouldn't want my ds sleeping in the same bed as someone not in his family; I think it's deeply inappropriate. Would people be jumping all over the OP if it were a father writing who was worried about his daughter sleeping in the same bed as his ex's new boyfriend?

wannaBe · 13/04/2013 11:23

yes yabvu.

Your child co sleeps at your house. therefore it stands to reason he will co sleep at his dad's.

Work on a solution to the needing to co sleep with you and the rest will follow.

But you are completely out of order stopping contact on that basis.

HeySoulSister · 13/04/2013 11:24

wallison

of course!!! but indulging in 'co-sleeping' at this age is kind of setting the whole overnight contact thing up to fail!! op needs to sort the issue. that's the problem with that sort of thing

pictish · 13/04/2013 11:25

What's the problem? Your ex is his dad so why is it inappropriate d=for his new partner to sleep alongside his son?

BruthasTortoise · 13/04/2013 11:26

Co-sleeping would've been a deal breaker for me in terms of moving in with my now DH and his kids (my now DSCs). Luckily it wasn't an issue but had my DH co-slept I wouldn't have moved in, I can't think of anything less comfortable than sleeping with someone else's child. I would imagine the GF isn't jumping for joy at sharing her bed with your DS either so maybe best for all concerned to stop the co sleeping altogether.

lydiamama · 13/04/2013 11:26

It would heart me that my exP's girlfriend is taking my place by my little one while he sleeps once a week, I totally sympathise. But I would better let my son have a relationship with his father and have a nice sleep for that night. You cannot ask for your ex to send his girlfriend home or to sleep in other place I think.

Doinmummy · 13/04/2013 11:26

I totally understand how you feel Op. it takes a lot of getting used to having a child meet/ mix with an ex's partner , let alone have them sleep in the same bed.

I think the idea of getting him to sleep in his own bed is a good one. It will take time. Would your ex be willing to help with this? Ie encourage him to sleep in his own bed when he stays at his house?