Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex has let his girlfriend to sleep beside our son

213 replies

Toddi · 13/04/2013 11:04

Please help me...really needing some advice with this one. My ex partner is letting his girlfriend sleep beside him & our 4 year old son. I think this is so inappropriate, totally disrespectful. My son always had sleeping issues & ended up beside me & after split & moving to New house he sleeps better beside me. Last week, my son said in front of his dad & me that he slept beside them. Have told my ex my opinion but he's blaming me, saying all my fault, because I've let my son sleep beside me. My ex only sees his son one day/overnight on a Saturday. Today, I've decided he shouldn't sleepover & made an excuse. What do I do? What should happen next weekend? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
pictish · 13/04/2013 11:26

As for stopping overnighters...well I'm afraid you can't, because you have no good reason to.
Your ex has every right to have overnighters with his son.

HeySoulSister · 13/04/2013 11:28

actually its the son who has every right to stay with his dad,parents have few rights,lots of responsibilities.....as per the childrens act. op yabvu to try and interfere here

AmberLeaf · 13/04/2013 11:29

I also think you need to work towards solving your sons sleep issues on the 6 nts a week he is with you, it will be difficult for his father to make him sleep alone if he is not at all used to doing so.

I can sort of understand why you don't like it, but unless you do your bit to deal with his sleep issues I don't think you are in a position to complain.

I don't think you should be stopping him seeing his dad/staying over either.

Wallison raises a good point though, I think the responses would be different if it were a father posting a reverse scenario.

HollyBerryBush · 13/04/2013 11:29

Have told my ex my opinion but he's blaming me, saying all my fault, because I've let my son sleep beside me.

Well, he's right isn't he? you have 6 nights a week to work on your sons sleep issues, but you have taken the easy path and let him sleep in your bed. Whether that's comfort for him or you, only you know TBH.

pictish · 13/04/2013 11:29

Ok whatever...but to suggest stopping contact over this is folly no?

anklebitersmum · 13/04/2013 11:31

Last week, my son said in front of his dad & me that he slept beside them.

Did I read that right? Your son told you and his 'Dad' (I assume your new partner) about the fact he slept with the ex and his partner?

If that's the case then, yes, you are being unreasonable-assuming of course that this is a long term girlfriend and not some flash in the pan.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 13/04/2013 11:31

I can understand why you are annoyed. But you really need to step back and think about this.

Contact between your son and his dad is very important. Your feelings really dont count at all. Its about your son. Its not inappropriate for him to want to sleep in the bed with his dad when hes not used to sleeping alone. And you have absolutely no say in the relationships your ex has. He is as much a parent as you are, with the same right to make decisions.

There are a million things I have wanted to stop DD1s contact for, but I havent. HV and SS have pointed out that I would be within my rights, but its up to me to decide if the negatives outweigh the importance of her relationship with her dad. And right now they dont.

YABVU to stop contact today. You need to take your feelings out of this.

AuntieStella · 13/04/2013 11:33

I do not think you should be stopping contact over this (assuming they are not having sex of any form right next to him).

And the root issue is that your DS won't sleep alone. Perhaps now he's 4 it is time that he learned to do so? In which case you and XH need to work together on how to achieve this in both houses.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 13/04/2013 11:35

Toddi I understand how you feel but the most important thing is your son and his happiness. If he is happy seeing his Dad and sleeping in with he and his partner then that should be ok....as long as the partner is not TOO new....I would not allow this if the woman were not a long term partner.

Extended families...including partners are important for children and it's important that he is part of a loving family unit on both sides...you and his Dad have to work together to address issues.

If you and he want to stop co sleeping then you need to talk about a strategy.

diddl · 13/04/2013 11:38

What are you worried about?

They are all in the bed together-it's not as if it's just her sharing!!

crashdoll · 13/04/2013 11:39

YABVU to stop contact over this. I understand how it must feel for you but it is not inappropriate.

Wallison · 13/04/2013 11:39

I also don't think the OP should stop co-sleeping just to accommodate this new girlfriend, if both she and her son are otherwise happy to be doing it. I wouldn't kick my ds out of my bed for that reason, if he needed the extra love and comfort during what is after all a very difficult time for him, and I was happy to provide it in that way.

MissAnnersley · 13/04/2013 11:41

Does it really take that much imagination to wonder what the OP is worrying about?

A woman who is a stranger to her is sharing a bed with her child.

Whether she is right or wrong is immaterial. She is uncomfortable with this. I may not agree with her but I understand.

janey68 · 13/04/2013 11:42

HeySoulSister sums it up

This isn't about your 'rights', it's about your son. He has a right to be with his dad. I feel rather sorry for the dad here. He doesn't stand a cat in hell's chance of getting his child to sleep securely in his own bed, when what you are doing 6 nights a week is working against that goal. He's not allowing the boy to sleep in their bed as some sort of spite against you: he's preventing him from feeling distressed at being put in his own room when he's not used to it. I mean seriously, what would you prefer? That he forces his son into his own bed even if he;s crying and upset, or let's him come and sleep with his dad? Obviously what you'd really prefer is for your ex to kick his partner out, but that's totally unreasonable.

As for the poster who asked if people would feel the same if this were a man posting about his daughter co sleeping with his ex and new partner, yes, absolutely, why would you assume people would feel differently? Hmm

Personally I am not a fan of school age children co sleeping, and I would prefer to work on my child feeling really comfortable and secure in their own sleeping space. But if you want to co sleep, you can't have in both ways and then change the rules for the other parent

Wallison · 13/04/2013 11:48

If this is about the son's rights, doesn't he have a right to sleep with his mother? Why should he have to stop for the sake of another person's convenience - a person who he isn't even related to? Presumably there is a room there for the son to sleep in, so why can't the girlfriend go in there? After all, it's what plenty of mothers/fathers do when their kids get into bed. It's only one night a week and I don't see why the ex and his new girlfriend can't accommodate the wishes of his son to co-sleep while still being mindful of proper personal boundaries between the DS and this new woman.

BoneyBackJefferson · 13/04/2013 11:49

So much information missing.

When did the OP split from her Ex?
How long has the Ex been in the relationship with his DP?
Does the Ex's DP live with him?
Where in the bed does the Ds sleep (by his dad, in the middle, By the DP)?
Does The Ex try to get Ds to sleep in his own bed?
Does the DS co-sleep he has problems or because she has problems?

BruthasTortoise · 13/04/2013 11:50

I don't understand why the Dad can't sleep in the DS's bed with him and leave his GF to get a decent night's sleep without having to share with a 4 year old.

WorraLiberty · 13/04/2013 11:51

The Dad is happy with the GF sleeping next to him and his child

The child seemed ok with the GF sleeping next to his Dad and himself

The GF was obviously ok with sleeping next to her DP and his child

I don't see why anyone should stop doing anything here. As long as the child is happy (and the OP hasn't stated otherwise) it's a non issue imo.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 13/04/2013 11:52

Wallison...what message does that send to a child?? That his Father's partner is a nothing...an inconvenience? How stupid to teach a child that...the woman could be in his life for years!

BoneyBackJefferson · 13/04/2013 11:52

Oh and finally

Does the Ds choose to get into bed with the Ex and his Dp?

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 13/04/2013 11:52

Exactly Worra...the Dad's GF is hardly a stranger! She is the boys, Fathers' lover and friend...not a nothing to be shoved out!

Wallison · 13/04/2013 11:54

Incidentally, many years ago I was in a similar situation except I was the new girlfriend and we only had a one-bedroomed flat. We moved our bed into the living-room rather than even sleep in the same room as my ex's DD when she came to stay, and this was at a time when I knew her very well and got on with her mother etc. I am actually quite Shock at people saying it's ok to share a bed with a child you are not related to.

janey68 · 13/04/2013 11:54

Wallison - yes, it's about the son's right, and no where does the OP suggest that the son is bothered by this at all. (Unless of course she comes back to drip feed!) It's very clear that she is the person bothered by it. Her son didn't say he didn't like co sleeping at his dads, there is no evidence from the dad that there is a problem. The son just stated it as a fact, that he sleeps with them, which presumably seems quite normal to him as he co sleeps the other 6 nights. Sounds like sour grapes tbh on the part of the OP. She has control of what goes on 6 nights a week and now wants to control the other night

FreudiansSlipper · 13/04/2013 11:54

I have had a very similar problem. The ex told me his gf would be staying over I said that is fine but remember boundaries and why they are needed.

Of course the ex did not listen, I felt there was not much I could do but when ds refused to stay there, when he refused to talk to his dad, told me he wanted to see just daddy he got the message sadly it was his son that got confused before he took notice that his relationship with his gf is not a family set up and by acting in a lets play happy families way just confuses ds it was too smoothering

You have to be careful not to project your feelings onto your ds, let's not attack the op she is upset lets give her some advice so she can deal with this the best way

WorraLiberty · 13/04/2013 11:56

I'm quite Confused as to why you went to such lengths not to sleep in the same room as your ex's DD Wallison

Was it because she wasn't keen on it?