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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex has let his girlfriend to sleep beside our son

213 replies

Toddi · 13/04/2013 11:04

Please help me...really needing some advice with this one. My ex partner is letting his girlfriend sleep beside him & our 4 year old son. I think this is so inappropriate, totally disrespectful. My son always had sleeping issues & ended up beside me & after split & moving to New house he sleeps better beside me. Last week, my son said in front of his dad & me that he slept beside them. Have told my ex my opinion but he's blaming me, saying all my fault, because I've let my son sleep beside me. My ex only sees his son one day/overnight on a Saturday. Today, I've decided he shouldn't sleepover & made an excuse. What do I do? What should happen next weekend? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
MyDarlingClementine · 13/04/2013 12:20

I think the boy will survive while she pulls contact to think about this.

I can totally understand why she isn't happy.

Right or wrong?

People onm MN seem to expect you to go through a split like an robot and immediately be so fine with another woman stepping into your shoes because its for the child's best interest.

no adjustment period, or support! or gentle thinking it through.

There was even a thread once where someone suggested giving expressed Breast Milk to the dad and OW to co sleep and BF and lots of people thought that was OK too.

Take time to adjust, I am sure the powerful bond between your DC and ex will survive while you come to terms with this.

FWIW I would never ever co sleep with another woman s DC out of respect to the mother. If that meant sleeping on the floor, so be it.

janey68 · 13/04/2013 12:20

'I wonder whether everyone would be as accepting if it was a full time dad, sending his 4 year old daughter off to her mums, finding out she was shang a bed with the mums boyfriend.'

OHforDUCKScake - I never understand why people project their own prejudices and double standards onto other people. If you would have a problem with that, then just say so. I wouldn't have a problem with it either way; neither would many others on here

reluctantmover · 13/04/2013 12:22

co-sleeping a fad? Sad you think that.

FreudiansSlipper · 13/04/2013 12:24

I too would not co sleep with another child if I was the new girlfriend it just would not feel right for me I am not their mother

I loved an ex children very very much but there are boundaries that all should respect easy ways to deal with it, I was able to understand that our relationship was separate to that with his children it did not mean we could not enjoy our time together

BruthasTortoise · 13/04/2013 12:25

Clementine seriously you would sleep on the floor like a dog out of respect for another woman? Even if you, your DP and the child were all comfortable with it? FWIW I would never co-sleep with anybody else children either but because I would never feel comfortable with it and I personally feel it's inappropriate.

HappyMummyOfOne · 13/04/2013 12:25

YABVU, you have not dealt with his sleep issues and thats not your exs fault.

The sooner courts even things up with regards to men and women the better. Your child is not a pawn that you can withdraw when you want to. He already only gets one night with his father as it is.

You trusted this man enough to sleep with him and make the life commitment of making a child together but dont trust him now because it doesnt suit you?

anklebitersmum · 13/04/2013 12:27

There seem to be a lot of people who are forgetting that they are supposed to love their child more than they hate their ex.

HappyMummy hear, hear, exactly.

OHforDUCKScake · 13/04/2013 12:29

Janey, yes I would absolutely have a problem with my 4 yo child sleeping in a bed with an adult male who I knew little of (i.e was not a friend of mine).

Would everyone be ok with their 4 yo daughter doing this then?

If that makes me prejudice, then so be it.

TentativeWhistleBlower · 13/04/2013 12:30

I've been the new gf in that situation, my DP had his daughter at his, she wet the bed so she came in with us for the rest of the night. If this happens at her mums, the mum will put her on a rug with a blanket on the floor rather than take her into her bed because of we boyfriend being there. Of the two situations, I think making the daughter sleep on the floor is be far the worst

FreudiansSlipper · 13/04/2013 12:32

he sees his son once a week it is that hard to put your child first for one day

he can still include the gf in their relationship but what is the harm in taking things slowly when from the op it is obvious this little boy is struggling with the changes, maybe the op does need to take a different approach she might be struggling to deal with all that is going on and being a single parent but we do not know the full story but it is so easy to class her as the bitter ex isn't it

MissAnnersley · 13/04/2013 12:33

It's not as simple as that. Your instinct as a parent does not switch off as soon as you separate.

It takes time to come to terms with this.

Both parents should be doing all they can to make the split as easy as possible for the child.

If, and we don't know, this is a new split then the father is not doing his best.

Once again if this split is new then the girlfriend is a stranger to the OP. Her natural parenting instinct is to protect her child and prevent a stranger from sharing a bed with her child.

Seems pretty normal to me.

I am not saying it's right but it is well within the range of normal parenting to be concerned.

MyDarlingClementine · 13/04/2013 12:34

Umm sleeping on the floor like a dog.....

If the mother of the child was unhappy by us co sleeping, that's me - the other woman with HER ex and HER dc, I would yes, manage to be sensitive to that, and I would sleep elsewhere, on the sofa for one night, one night, and if we didn't have a sofa, then get a futon mattress or something!

Because even if the ex, the Dc and the OW are all happy co sleeping but the DM is not, she cannot help how she feels about that - right now.

She has allowed access, the man does have his son over night.

If easing problems and keeping the situation as smooth and workable as it can be, by doing such a small thing I would.

MissAnnersley · 13/04/2013 12:34

Sorry that took me ages to post. That was a reply to anklebiter.

BruthasTortoise · 13/04/2013 12:37

So the minute the mother told you it was ok to co-sleep with her DC and your DP would you then do it?

anklebitersmum · 13/04/2013 12:40

I trust that my daughter or son's father is invested enough in them to protect them from harm in the same way as I do.

Even though we've split up.

FreudiansSlipper · 13/04/2013 12:42

sleeping on the floor so the bf could stay in bed that is awful :(

diddl · 13/04/2013 12:42

It is only for one night & yes, there's no reason why the child & his father shouldn't sleep together & the GF elsewhere.

Depends maybe on how it comes about.

Nowhere else?

GF refusing to sleep elsewhere/father not wanting her to?

Although OP doesn't know the woman-she needs to trust her ex on it-the same as he would have to if she meets someone else.

MyDarlingClementine · 13/04/2013 12:45

Probably not no.

A family unit has been smashed.

BUt in the event of a split I would never expose my Dc to the new person for a long long time, I would gradually introduce them as a friend and probably not have them in the house to sleep over when little for a long long time.

If a man/ woman really loves you they will be more than happy to also take things slowly and wait a bit.

I would wait first to make sure my relations with the new person were solid, then introduce casually and very slowly and gradually, all the while still giving it lots of time. I would think a relationship of several years, lots of commitment and DC very secure and recovered from the family unit being blown to smithereens, then - THEN I would feel better about co sleeping, and with his DC too.

Until it was absolutely concrete that the new relationship was solid.

BruthasTortoise · 13/04/2013 12:47

Are there households all over the country where one parent is put out of their bed so the children can take their place? I've honestly never heard of it, I thought the norm was children being settled into their own beds and don't see why the same can't apply here. If the DS can't settle on his own then his DF should settle him into his own bed, if that means staying the night with him them so be it and his GF have their bed to herself.

Thisisaeuphemism · 13/04/2013 12:48

Oh I remember how terribly painful this was. :(

Sorry op, it's best to try and accept it. It doesn't mean anything. You will always be ' mum'

anklebitersmum · 13/04/2013 12:49

She has allowed access, the man does have his son over night.

Wow. Just wow. Shock

Actually, she hasn't. She's denied her son access to his Father because she is uncomfortable.

MissAnnersley · 13/04/2013 12:50

I am remembering too thisisaeuphimism.

MyDarlingClementine · 13/04/2013 12:51

if a four year old child has had his little world blown to smithereens by goodness knows what, what is one night of self sacrifice? Surely the adult can make their own bed as nice as they want too>

The adult has access to shops and bedding, the four year old does not.

I don't care what the rest of the country is doing, it doesn't make it right.

BruthasTortoise · 13/04/2013 12:52

Clementine don't get me wrong I do agree with you that co-sleeping with other peoples children is, in my view, inappropriate and as I said I have never co-slept with my DSC. I'm just not sure why the emphasis is on the GF to give up her space in the bed, I think it sends the wrong message about the roles in the family. I think in blended/seperated families and, in all honesty, in all families if co-sleeping is necessary and it can't be done with both adults in their own bed then the child and the co-sleeping adult should decamp to a different bed.

janey68 · 13/04/2013 12:53

anklebitersmum - yeap that comment shocked me too. It speaks volumes doesn;t it? Some parents genuinely believe it is within their gift to 'allow' the other parent to see their child. Erm... no, the CHILD is the central person here and they have a right to spend time with both their parents. They aren't some commodity which one parent magnanimously 'allows' the other one access to. Hmm

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