Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex has let his girlfriend to sleep beside our son

213 replies

Toddi · 13/04/2013 11:04

Please help me...really needing some advice with this one. My ex partner is letting his girlfriend sleep beside him & our 4 year old son. I think this is so inappropriate, totally disrespectful. My son always had sleeping issues & ended up beside me & after split & moving to New house he sleeps better beside me. Last week, my son said in front of his dad & me that he slept beside them. Have told my ex my opinion but he's blaming me, saying all my fault, because I've let my son sleep beside me. My ex only sees his son one day/overnight on a Saturday. Today, I've decided he shouldn't sleepover & made an excuse. What do I do? What should happen next weekend? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
OHforDUCKScake · 13/04/2013 12:54

I thought my question would be by passed. So whoever called my 'prejudiced' presumably I am not the only one.

Diddl your reply was a good one, I agree with everything you put there, you explained it better than I could.

LilBlondePessimist · 13/04/2013 12:55

I've been almost exactly in this situation. Dh and I had been together over a year and were living together before his ex allowed us contact with his dd. DSS already stayed over with us four nights per week (moved in with us 6/7 about four months later), and occasionally slept in our bed if he has a bad dream. DSD slept with her mother 21:00 until 07:00 every night, so when she stayed with us she found it impossible to sleep in the bed we had for her (in DSS's room), or if we did manage, after a lot of persuasion and comforting, to get her to go to sleep in her 'own' bed, then guaranteed she was in with us by midnight if not earlier.

Her mother despised it, and demanded that she did not sleep in the same bed as me, but was entirely unwilling to do anything about the sleeping situation at her end. Of course the poor child wasn't going to go in to a bed by herself at our house if she slept with her mother every night. The fact of the matter was that her mother just couldn't bear her daughter talking about sleeping with daddy and blonde but wasn't willing to do anything to help resolve the matter (I.e. alter their co sleeping situation). Believe me, the last thing I wanted was to have my sleep disturbed by a kicking, talking child, but for her sake I accepted it, but I certainly wasn't going to squeeze into a toddler bed to placate her mother. The fact of the matter was, DSD couldn't have been happier snuggled up with us (and has fond memories 12yrs later, and tells her four baby half-brothers all about it). It was purely her mother who had the problem with it, but was totally unwilling to try to resolve it from her end. Not for one minute would I have considered telling DSD's mother that it was wrong to co-sleep (I have with all four of my boys), but it was what was causing her perceived 'peoblem'.

BruthasTortoise · 13/04/2013 13:00

Although I will qualify my last post and say that the exception to co-sleeping in the adult's bed is BF mothers and very small infants who would be in danger in a smaller bed.

queencat · 13/04/2013 13:01

It is extremely painful for the op and I know how that feels, I still feel it. Although sometimes you have to suck it up and get on with it for the happiness of the children. I have practically chewed my tongue off the amount of times I've had to bite it when my exp has done something that I don't necessarily agree with but know that he would not endanger the lives or well being of the children and you have to put your own feelings to one side.

I would be interested to know how long the ex has been in the relationship. Is this the concern?

anklebitersmum · 13/04/2013 13:01

Sorry Duck I thought I had answered your question.

If I were a man then I would assume that my DD would be quite safe with her mother and mother's new boyfriend because her mother is invested in her child's safety.

If my DH decided to run off with another man then I would be equally OK as, again, I would trust that my DD's Dad is as invested in her safety as I am.

BoneyBackJefferson · 13/04/2013 13:13

To those saying that its "just one night".

It isn't. Its one night per week every week that the mother ALLOWS contact.

Do you really want to give an Ex that much control over your life?

Could you imagine the uproar on here "My Ex won't allow my new partner to sleep with me in case my Children want a cuddle in the middle of the night"

Kiriwawa · 13/04/2013 13:15

I was the girlfriend in that position. I didn't particularly want my ex's DC to sleep in our bed but I wasn't going to sleep on the floor when they stayed over.

JumpingJackSprat · 13/04/2013 13:20

Some posts on this thread are fucking ridiculous. the only person it seems is uncomfortable with this is OP.what goes on in their house is none of your business and you have no right to dictate where anyone, let alone a grown woman sleeps in her own house. your child should be sleeping in his own bed at 4. If my dp's ex had tried to make such demands on me there is no way we would have the currently amicable relationship we do between me & dp and ex & her husband. just beggars belief that people think the gf should be kicked out of her own bed to the sofa because the op isnt happy, poor lamb. stop using your child as a weapon and grow up.

IneedAyoniNickname · 13/04/2013 13:27

Op I can see where you are coming from, ex moved in with gf after a week, and our dc had their first overnight stay a week later. That was 6 months ago, and I still struggle with my feelings about the whole thing.

But how long ago did you and ex split? How long have they been together? Do they live together?

Your son deserves a relationship with his dad, so you shouldn't stop contact imo.

Thisisaeuphemism · 13/04/2013 13:47

It can be v hard splitting when kids are v small - you don't trust that your kids will still want you - you fear they'll like the new person more. You brace yourself for the new girlfriend - for the days out and dinners- but it is a big shock to imagine some other woman cuddling up to your baby at night. I felt like there was nothing left to differentiate me -mum- from her.

DS was four too and it's hard to put In words how miserable the sleep thing made me. I realised this was not a battle worth fighting, and given time and sympathy, I'm sure the op will too.

(Ds is 12 now and no longer co sleeps!)

TigerFeet · 13/04/2013 13:47

there's a lot of assumptions being made here, for all we know the dad has been with his dp months or years and the ds knows her well and kikes or even loves her.

OP I can understand why you don't like the set up but unfortunately, especially if you want to continue co sleeping with your son, I think you're going to have to accept it.

MandragoraWurzelstock · 13/04/2013 13:47

Co sleeping is one of the most intimate things a mother does with her child.

I think it's Ok for a man to sleep with the child when it stays over, but not his girlfriend.

Also presumably they might be being intimate with one another in the same bed. which would not be ok imo.

OP I totally understand. I wish I knew the answer but I think standing firm on this and explaining that you wouldn't let another man sleep beside your child in your bed, is the way to go.

IneedAsockamnesty · 13/04/2013 13:50

I would be horrified at sharing a bed with a child that was not mine, there is something deeply wrong about it as far as I'm concerned.
Can't quite put my finger on exactly why I'm so uncomfortable with it because its not just one reason its a combo of several.

And I would be stunned if anyone I mix with thought it was ok.

Sallystyle · 13/04/2013 14:02

YABU

My 9 year old son can get very anxious and there has been times he has got into bed with my ex and his wife and he has done pretty much since my ex and his wife moved in together.

I know so many people find it very hard for their child to suddenly have some other woman/man in their lives but I was just always happy that my children were comfortable enough with her to be happy to co-sleep with them if needed.

The more they all love her, the more she loves them the better for them and me.

Obviously OP, you are entitled to your feelings but you shouldn't stop your son going round. It is something you have to get used to, there will be plenty of things they do that you probably won't agree with but unless your child is actually in danger of harm you often have to suck it up. I get on really well with my ex and can talk to him if I am worried about something but he still does things that I wouldn't and I have to accept that when they are at their fathers I have very little rights to tell them what they can or can't do unless it's a dangerous situation.

teacherandguideleader · 13/04/2013 14:02

What would happen if the ex and his gf had a child of their own. Would they have to say to one child that yes they can sleep in the bed, but have a different rule from the other?

I grew up in one of those step families, it screwed me up big time.

MandragoraWurzelstock · 13/04/2013 14:04

'It is something you have to get used to, there will be plenty of things they do that you probably won't agree with but unless your child is actually in danger of harm you often have to suck it up. I get on really well with my ex and can talk to him if I am worried about something but he still does things that I wouldn't and I have to accept that when they are at their fathers I have very little rights to tell them what they can or can't do unless it's a dangerous situation.'

and this I believe is part of the reason why so many people stay in unhappy marriages...at least they get a bit of control that way Sad

BruthasTortoise · 13/04/2013 14:05

Mandragora you do realise that it's not only mothers who co-sleep? And that "a man" is in fact the child's father? And as for suggesting that the child's father and his GF would have sex in the bed while the child is present... well words fail me.

honeytea · 13/04/2013 14:08

I can't see the problem it is only sleeping. Should ex's new girlfriend not ist next to op's ds is he falls asleep on the sofa. What about long flights, then children really are sleeping next to a stranger.

Maybe OP should buy a bed guard and suggest that ds sleeps on ex's side of the bed.

I have co-slept with my little sister and my boyfriend, there was nothing strange about it.

HeySoulSister · 13/04/2013 14:09

the 'mother' is not the superior parent here.....the dad is an equal! attitudes are so 1950 still

Sallystyle · 13/04/2013 14:09

Well, they aren't just my children and my ex has just as much right to make parental decision as I do, even if I don't always agree with them. I don't want control, what happens in there house is not much of my business as long as my children are happy and safe.

And please do not assume that they will be having sex with the child in the bed, that is absurd. I have never had sex when one of my children has got into our bed.

Sallystyle · 13/04/2013 14:10

their* I do know the difference ;)

surviving on two hours sleep lol

freddiemisagreatshag · 13/04/2013 14:13

If its good enough for the mother and "dad" aka new partner, then it's good enough for the father and his new partner.

Sauce for the goose and gander.

MandragoraWurzelstock · 13/04/2013 14:16

I can see how my post came across by the wording but look at what I said, and take it at face value - I said it was fine for the man (yes, the ather - not the inferior parent fGS!) to sleep with the child but not the girlfriend, who is not its parent.

That was what I said and what I meant.

At no point did I suggest that the father was inferior or should not be allowed to co sleep. My first line referring to the mother was in the context of the OP being female.

Sorry for any misunderstanding.

And yes it is possible that people will be intimate in a shared bed when a child is present. Not necessarily the case but possible.

MandragoraWurzelstock · 13/04/2013 14:17

father, sorry

MandragoraWurzelstock · 13/04/2013 14:17

also where did the OP say that she has a new partner?