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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex has let his girlfriend to sleep beside our son

213 replies

Toddi · 13/04/2013 11:04

Please help me...really needing some advice with this one. My ex partner is letting his girlfriend sleep beside him & our 4 year old son. I think this is so inappropriate, totally disrespectful. My son always had sleeping issues & ended up beside me & after split & moving to New house he sleeps better beside me. Last week, my son said in front of his dad & me that he slept beside them. Have told my ex my opinion but he's blaming me, saying all my fault, because I've let my son sleep beside me. My ex only sees his son one day/overnight on a Saturday. Today, I've decided he shouldn't sleepover & made an excuse. What do I do? What should happen next weekend? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
BruthasTortoise · 13/04/2013 15:13

But his child needs to co-sleep as far as I can gather from the OP and the new GF isn't preventing that. Now if the OP comes back and says that her child is uncomfortable sleeping with his Dad and the GF then fair enough, adjustments will have to be made, but as it stands the only person who is uncomfortable is the OP so should she not be the one to adapt?

janey68 · 13/04/2013 15:14

I am just still agog at the people who cannot get their head around the idea of co sleeping without bringing sex into the equation. And even more agog at the poster who said they wouldn't have an issue with the Dad and partner having sex in the same bed Shock

Honest to god, I should think sex is the last thing on the dad's mind. He has 6 nights a week without his boy; I suspect that after having him all day Saturday, all they want to do is SLEEP!

It's really quite bizarre that some people can't separate the two things mentally

anklebitersmum · 13/04/2013 15:15

Ezza it doesn't sound to me like the son has a problem.

The problem appears to be all OP's..disrespectful to her etc etc

Regardless of whether she has a new OH or not, she should not be witholding her son's Dad from him because she feels slighted.

As for all this 'abhorrent' talk. Wow. I can see the AIBU mauling now;
My DP says I have to sleep on the sofa when his son comes over as his ex thinks I am a 'risk' to her son. Hmm

BruthasTortoise · 13/04/2013 15:18

Janey who said they wouldn't have an issue with the Dad and GF having sex in the same bed?

janey68 · 13/04/2013 15:23

Bruthas - this post

FreudiansSlipper Sat 13-Apr-13 14:34:24
I would not worry about the ex and his gf having sex with ds in the bed at all

BruthasTortoise · 13/04/2013 15:26

Ah right, I think freudian means that she wouldn't be concerned about the ex and GF having sex in the bed because its not something that is ever likely to happen hence it's not a real concern and shouldn't be brought into the debate. Not that she wouldn't be bothered if the ex and the GF were having sex in the bed iyswim.

janey68 · 13/04/2013 15:33

I hope so Bruthas, but it concerned me that so many people seemed to be talking about co sleeping and sex in the same breath, as if the two go hand in hand

Original poster
Toddi · 13/04/2013 15:35

WOW! This is the first message I've put on here, I'm bowled over by the responses, positive & negative, all very valued. Maybe I should've given you more information; the ex lives on his own in a 4 bed flat, his GF has her own house. They've been together for a year. Ex has 3 boys to 3 diff mums, I make sure my son keeps in contact with his half brothers & have great relationship with the other mums. Ex was violent & abusive, awful breakdown of relationship, my son caught in middle, he hit us both. Yes, there's trust issues with me, cos I worry constantly about how he treats/looks after our son when he's in his care. Never speak negatively about ex in front his son, encourage his time with dad even though lots really terrible things happened in past. I think I'm being more than fair with relationship with my ex & our son. He loves his Dad & his brothers & gets on well with the new GF. they're both nearly 50, do think they can do their thing the other 6 nights of week, & 1 night he has his son, he should focus on that.

OP posts:
FreudiansSlipper · 13/04/2013 15:40

of course that is what I meant I do not worry as I do not think it will ever happen

you can have other concerns there are many reasons they have only just started seeing each other, your child is still getting over the separation (seems the op's child is struggling), the ex has a history of getting serious in relationships then moving on or just it does not feel right could be because of a number of reasons

and really not surprised the op has not returned quite obvious from the opening line she is struggling with the situation and a little empathy was all that was needed

Original poster
Toddi · 13/04/2013 15:42

Also co slept with my son since BF. Had to sleep seperate room from his dad coz he complained about getting woken up during night & disturbing his sleep due to his job as a dentist. This just continued during all the fighting as son was being affected. He's much happier contented child now & I'm so proud of what I've managed to achieve in the last 18 months.

OP posts:
FreudiansSlipper · 13/04/2013 15:43

oh you have returned :)

well totally understand why you feel the way you do, exactly one day a week is not too much to expect him to put his child first

hope it all works out

janey68 · 13/04/2013 15:47

Ah right, just a little back story then!!

TBH I would be far more concerned about the ex having a history of abuse and violence and hitting both you and your child (and this must have been recent given the child is only 4 now)
The fact that the child co sleeps is hardly the biggest issue imo

anklebitersmum · 13/04/2013 15:48

ditto janey

FreudiansSlipper · 13/04/2013 15:52

oh ffs

she said that she is very worried when he goes to stay but he needs to have some sort of relationship with his father if ss are involved they will make sure of this

and very strict boundaries need to be kept in place to keep her ds as secure as possible they have been through a terrible time and she is doing her best to make sure her son suffers no more

diddl · 13/04/2013 15:53

He hit you both & your concern is that the GF is also in the bed??!!

defineme · 13/04/2013 15:54

I think you're sweating the small stuff op.
Are you really concerned about the cosleeping with the gf present, which is just what you do and makes your child happy-or are you concerned about him staying with a potentially violent man who has been unhappy with him in the night before?
Or is there something you haven't shared about the girlfriend that worries you?
Is there a reason why you didn't cut contact entirely, considering his violence towards both of you?

HeySoulSister · 13/04/2013 15:58

so you refused him contact today.....how did he react then?

BoneyBackJefferson · 13/04/2013 16:00

agree with janey and ankle

Nanny0gg · 13/04/2013 16:02

Hang on. He hit both you and your son and you're worried about your son sleeping in the same bed as the girlfriend?

Is that really the main issue here?

BruthasTortoise · 13/04/2013 16:08

This man was violent with your then 2 year old son? And now what you want more than anything is for him to spend 24/36 hours every weekend alone with your DS (I'm assuming when you say you want him to focus on your DS it isn't just at bedtime)? To be honest I think I would be happy to have someone else present at all times particularly if your DS likes the GF.

Reiterate what others have said, I think you're sweating the small stuff.

FreudiansSlipper · 13/04/2013 16:10

did you not read in her post that she worries constantly when her ds is there of course this added to that is an extra worry she just does not need

and she may not have much choice about her son seeing his father

pumpkinsweetie · 13/04/2013 16:13

Personally i would stop contact all together, the girlfriend isn't the problem. The problem is that your ex shouldn't even be allowed contact!!!

Your ex hit your son, i wouldn't allow him any unsupervised access whatsoever.
Arrange supervised contact if you still feel they should have a relationship.

pumpkinsweetie · 13/04/2013 16:14

Infact i would be bloody glad the girlfriend is there tbh!

MandragoraWurzelstock · 13/04/2013 16:14

Very difficult to avoid even a violent, abusive man having contact with a child now

janey68 · 13/04/2013 16:15

The OP only said much later that the dad used to hit her and her son and that she worries constantly about her son being there, and how his dad is treating him

Which is why it seems strange that the focus of the OP was it being 'disrespectful' and 'inappropriate' for the son to co sleep with his dad and dads partner. Not as bloody disrespectful and inappropriate as hitting a child.....